[there's a part of him that nags over the same thoughts. so many other times, dabi'd have finished and left a long time ago. but those times hadn't brought him homemade food and certainly hadn't expressed such interest in being close to him in a friendly way. yes, he's not charred in the mind and heart enough to not recognize the impact this night left on itadori, but no, he fails to see just how much it's meant to him. likely because he doesn't want to see it. dabi has no delusions about the future of his life. whether it ends in death or imprisonment, there is no "good ending" waiting for him. without knowing itadori's ultimate termination looming over his head, he figures the kid has a challenging but long life ahead of him. not something he should be wasting by getting involved with a psychopathic murderer who intends to kill his entire family and shake the foundations of civil society until it's crumbling.
he also doesn't want to know what it feels like again... the idea of someone caring about him. a long time ago, touya grew up clinging to the hope that his father's pride in him and his mother's fearful kindness meant some sort of love and care despite the abuse his father put him through. held onto that desperately to get through the suffering loneliness. but after endeavor dismissed him, replaced his existence with two failures and at last a success, after his mother didn't care enough to listen to him... he realized it was all a lie. the "care" he thought they gave him was nothing more than his father's expectations over his usefulness and his mother's fear over her meal ticket being ruined. the betrayal and emptiness gutted him, left him crying to natsuo so many nights, begging his brother to tell him what his purpose was in life because touya couldn't see it anymore. someone had to care about him, right? someone had to see him, Right?RIGHT?!
no... no one did.
he died alone. dragged himself off that burning mountain alone, flesh smoldering and heart blackening inside his charred body. it's how he's existed for years. hating people, acknowledging his existence as being nothing to anyone but himself. the only way he could get attention was to flare up and draw eyes of hatred and disgust on himself. there had been no hero to reach out to help him. no kindness to tell him he'd be okay. those things didn't exist in the world for people like him. they were cursed villains. they made use of each other, consumed each other, lashed out against the people who despised them. existed.
then itadori yuuji showed up.
in one conversation and one night, this random ass kid showed dabi more kindness and consideration, more sincere and true care than he could ever remember receiving from anyone in his entire fucking life (well, in his own jaded and embittered memory). slashing straight through the scars and burns and scorched walls, until dabi was left staring at the very real reality that this young man would, if given the opportunity, really reach him. grasp his hand and hold on tight. remind him of what it felt like to actually recognize someone giving a fucking shit about whether he hurt, lived, or died.
it terrifies him. the reality of being cared about. of attempted rescue and protection.
yeah, he knows what this night means to itadori and the potential behind that knowledge between them. if he's not careful, if he doesn't keep this kid at arms length behind a wall of fire... dabi might actually care about him too. and that's such utter fucking bullshit! does he have any idea just how fucking risky and dangerous that is? those damn feelings he burned out of himself long ago?!
Look at me!
he can't fathom it. so he downgrades his influence on him. he refuses to admit this night's special. he keeps itadori at arm's length. he can't see how he could ever be "important" to someone in that way, because doing so means there's someone who'd mourn for him once he was gone. someone he might actually care about enough not to want to hurt. someone he might actually listen to when it came to stopping. feelings are dangerous because they don't stop. so keep this as nothing. keep this as a sexual experience between some naive sorcerer and a murderous villain. it's safer that way. for both of them. this little moment that dares to suggest there's a hope of some fragile sense to belong...]
Do I look like someone who gets clung to a lot?
[dabi rolls his head to the side and gives him a dry expression as the sorcerer sidled up next to him. watching his face in the stark contrast of shadows and moonlight. most people see the scars and think if they touch him, his damn skin'll flake off onto their hands like torched bark.]
Safe, huh. Hate to break it to ya, but we were safer in that shack.
[at least that shithole didn't have a lit sign out front for "vacancies". still, itadori's only proving once again that he cares about dabi's feelings. "safe" is a gambling word. there are places dabi felt safe enough to sleep and rest. villain hideouts and stuff. but he's kept himself separate from the league enough it's not like he's got "friends" coming into his room at night to check on his slumber, much less sleep in his bed with him. if itadori's going to school, then he's probably got friends who fill that need for him, comforting him and helping him sleep knowing he's safe within the perimeter. they're from different lives, loneliness for one being a horrible burden to bear, while the other cloaks himself in it as the vanguard of safety. itadori clings to people he cares about while dabi's long since given up on people in general and rejects them all.
reaching him takes a lot more than a conversation, a meal, and a night together.]
Hmph... [stubborn guy. giving him his space and all. he's already put up with a lot of this. from staying after the sex to getting a shower with him to agreeing to spend the night in the same bed. itadori's simple that good-hearted of a person.] Why the hell are ya so intent on connectin with me? Ya got ya whole life ahead to find someone who ain't gonna be dead or imprisoned within a year.
[he gets this is... was, a release and freedom for itadori, but now it's developed into more. dabi can see that already. it's strange. as naive as he is, this guy knows not to fall for someone on the first "date", right? he can't be this protective and attached to everyone he first meets.]
no subject
he also doesn't want to know what it feels like again... the idea of someone caring about him. a long time ago, touya grew up clinging to the hope that his father's pride in him and his mother's fearful kindness meant some sort of love and care despite the abuse his father put him through. held onto that desperately to get through the suffering loneliness. but after endeavor dismissed him, replaced his existence with two failures and at last a success, after his mother didn't care enough to listen to him... he realized it was all a lie. the "care" he thought they gave him was nothing more than his father's expectations over his usefulness and his mother's fear over her meal ticket being ruined. the betrayal and emptiness gutted him, left him crying to natsuo so many nights, begging his brother to tell him what his purpose was in life because touya couldn't see it anymore. someone had to care about him, right? someone had to see him, Right? RIGHT?!
no... no one did.
he died alone. dragged himself off that burning mountain alone, flesh smoldering and heart blackening inside his charred body. it's how he's existed for years. hating people, acknowledging his existence as being nothing to anyone but himself. the only way he could get attention was to flare up and draw eyes of hatred and disgust on himself. there had been no hero to reach out to help him. no kindness to tell him he'd be okay. those things didn't exist in the world for people like him. they were cursed villains. they made use of each other, consumed each other, lashed out against the people who despised them. existed.
then itadori yuuji showed up.
in one conversation and one night, this random ass kid showed dabi more kindness and consideration, more sincere and true care than he could ever remember receiving from anyone in his entire fucking life (well, in his own jaded and embittered memory). slashing straight through the scars and burns and scorched walls, until dabi was left staring at the very real reality that this young man would, if given the opportunity, really reach him. grasp his hand and hold on tight. remind him of what it felt like to actually recognize someone giving a fucking shit about whether he hurt, lived, or died.
it terrifies him. the reality of being cared about. of attempted rescue and protection.
yeah, he knows what this night means to itadori and the potential behind that knowledge between them. if he's not careful, if he doesn't keep this kid at arms length behind a wall of fire... dabi might actually care about him too. and that's such utter fucking bullshit! does he have any idea just how fucking risky and dangerous that is? those damn feelings he burned out of himself long ago?!
Look at me!
he can't fathom it. so he downgrades his influence on him. he refuses to admit this night's special. he keeps itadori at arm's length. he can't see how he could ever be "important" to someone in that way, because doing so means there's someone who'd mourn for him once he was gone. someone he might actually care about enough not to want to hurt. someone he might actually listen to when it came to stopping. feelings are dangerous because they don't stop. so keep this as nothing. keep this as a sexual experience between some naive sorcerer and a murderous villain. it's safer that way. for both of them. this little moment that dares to suggest there's a hope of some fragile sense to belong...]
Do I look like someone who gets clung to a lot?
[dabi rolls his head to the side and gives him a dry expression as the sorcerer sidled up next to him. watching his face in the stark contrast of shadows and moonlight. most people see the scars and think if they touch him, his damn skin'll flake off onto their hands like torched bark.]
Safe, huh. Hate to break it to ya, but we were safer in that shack.
[at least that shithole didn't have a lit sign out front for "vacancies". still, itadori's only proving once again that he cares about dabi's feelings. "safe" is a gambling word. there are places dabi felt safe enough to sleep and rest. villain hideouts and stuff. but he's kept himself separate from the league enough it's not like he's got "friends" coming into his room at night to check on his slumber, much less sleep in his bed with him. if itadori's going to school, then he's probably got friends who fill that need for him, comforting him and helping him sleep knowing he's safe within the perimeter. they're from different lives, loneliness for one being a horrible burden to bear, while the other cloaks himself in it as the vanguard of safety. itadori clings to people he cares about while dabi's long since given up on people in general and rejects them all.
reaching him takes a lot more than a conversation, a meal, and a night together.]
Hmph... [stubborn guy. giving him his space and all. he's already put up with a lot of this. from staying after the sex to getting a shower with him to agreeing to spend the night in the same bed. itadori's simple that good-hearted of a person.] Why the hell are ya so intent on connectin with me? Ya got ya whole life ahead to find someone who ain't gonna be dead or imprisoned within a year.
[he gets this is... was, a release and freedom for itadori, but now it's developed into more. dabi can see that already. it's strange. as naive as he is, this guy knows not to fall for someone on the first "date", right? he can't be this protective and attached to everyone he first meets.]