[ and then, out of nowhere, dabi's words would sting, humbling itadori back to his place. he knew that man is so haunted by revenge to think of any other way to find some relief to all the hatred fuming from within— behind it all, reality is: dabi is hurting. how could anyone find peace when they're holding onto the past and resentment the way he did? how could anyone be happy like this? dabi didn't seem to care about anything but his retribution. it ultimately left him alone. he will die alone too. and itadori will hear it on the fucking news, huh.
as he stood there, somewhat chewing on his lower lip, in a way muffling back the urge to say something. after taking in a deep breath, itadori shakes it off, watching as dabi stepped out of the shower. the changes in the burned flesh are subtle enough to dismiss, not like itadori is attentive to the small details. still bitter about the previous comment. whether it was intentional or not, the deflection toward their sexual experience served as a good distraction; sobering him up from the rut he was in. such a simple mind yuji has. ]
... For real?
[ he hasn't pursued him out of the bathroom yet, frozen. a bit startled with the possibility of them being intimate again. despite how comfy itadori is with touching, holding, and being 'fluffy' with that villain— he sincerely thought this was as far as they can go, and tonight was an exclusive generosity. he truly believed their upcoming hangouts will be nothing more than sharing a meal, and — found peace in it. therefor excuse him, while he stares at a random wall; the wheels in his head slowly turning and making sense of everything. dabi wants to do it again? with him?
hastily he dropped the towel, ran his hands through his hair to neaten it, heart hammering. his fingers danced with nerves, twitching, shifting, flexing— ]
Okay!!!
[ he blurted out, forcing himself to take the chance and not surrender to his doubts. yes, he almost lost control tonight, but he didn't. itadori chose to take it as an encouragement and have some faith that it will stay this way the next time. now that he consented, he can't take it back. it's done. they're doing this when the time is right.
god, why is his heart still pounding in his chest? with a heavy huff, he leaned down to pick up his boxers from the pile of clothes on the floor, finally covering himself. his gaze shifts towards a nearby closet, upon unlocking it— let's say he didn't expect this shitty motel would offer an extra pair of bedsheets to their guests, which is something they desperately need. after all, they have left their marks on the bed. ]
If we're doing it again, let me know in advance. I'll need to bring some stuff along.
[ the old bedsheets are yanked off, joining the hoard of clothes on the ground, and with some quick work— itadori spreads the new ones, running his fingers over the mattress to smooth it over, getting those edges tucked in; pillows fluffed. by the time dabi pays attention to him again, he'd find the sorcerer chilling on his side of the bed, legs crossed, waiting for him.
with a lighthearted smile, he gestures for the other to come closer. ]
[revenge is a disgusting thing. he started out split down the middle, with his father demanding and affirming that touya would be the greatest hero who ever lived, who would surpass all might and endeavor. over and over, you are my greatest success, filling him with his father's ambitions. and then one day, when those burns were still fresh on his little body, his father told him the truth: you can't. you're only a failure. stop trying. and abandoned him. he watched him try to replace him over and over. fuyumi. natsuo. more failures tossed to the wayside. and then little shouto. endeavor's ultimate success and the pride of his life. the final nail in touya's coffin for ever getting back his reason for living. his existence forfeit. a final last-ditch effort to show his father he really could be the pillar he wanted and forge that future and destiny endeavor engraved in him so hard touya never developed one of his own. that one lingering chance... his father never showed up. and touya died.
yeah. tell yourself that doesn't hurt. tell yourself that wouldn't drive anyone insane to have their reason for being extinguished. failure. useless. annoyance. worthless. LOOK AT ME!!
there's nothing left for him to care about. anything new that tries to press in meets the same flames within him. an azure domain that burns and burns and burns everything it touches to ash. cares. emotions. bonds. people. it's all gone inside. itadori'll hear about it on the fucking news because that's what dabi's good for: the sensation of revenge.
it's strange that yuji wants to reach into that hellish realm inside dabi and try to find something to grasp onto and save. hell, protect. but he'll only burn his hand black. they both want things, but at such a diametrically-opposing direction it's impossible to bring into alignment. and yet... there's weight inside itadori that dabi can almost feel. something damaged and hurting. it's not the thing inside him either; it's the kid himself. why else reach for a stranger? why else would a simple comment send him spiraling? simple, yeah. naive, definitely. stupid, of course. human? ... so very tenderly human.
dabi eyes him as he walks past, noting the surprise in his voice and expression as he passes. so eager to jump onto that pleasure all over again and forget the burdens inside. hmph. at least itadori still possesses the ability to be selfish. it's almost attractive.]
Uh-huh.
[the eldest todoroki son has his standards despite being willing to sleep with trash on the same level as dabi and even lower. he'll kick someone out or burn them up (the more likely) if they aren't worth an 'again' with him. itadori is worth more than one 'again' with him. whether it's meeting him for a meal or a fuck, there's something about him that dabi's silently caught. like a shining piece of unknown he can hold in his hand all for himself. not attached to any hero or villain, not involved(ish) with his life or ambitions, but instead a confusing, attractive, curious escape that dabi can't make any use of other than being able to selfishly keep all to his own.
he wants to do it again. wants to eat with him again. wants to see him again. you know, within limits. dabi's not a friendly guy even with the allies he's made in the league. still a lone wolf.
...did he just try to neaten his hair? swore he caught a glimpse of that in the mirror right out the corner of his eye. che, idiot. cute, but idiot. there's still things they have to deal with, but dabi's fine with that. keeping their lives and issues separate from each other leaves them able to focus only on the things generated between them. itadori didn't lose control tonight either and had sex. a big middle finger to whatever fears or blocks he had before keeping him from enjoying that part of life. another person dabi might say he corrupted, but itadori? ... tsk, the kid's so light all dabi can really say is that he managed to free him. in one little area. oh well. sometimes it just takes one rock to bring the house down.
he kicks his boxer briefs out of his pants and then up into the air, catching it in one hand before putting them back on. not really one to sleep in the buff, this is more comfortable. dabi's a bit surprised to see itadori returning with clean bedsheets. didn't expect that. but he accepts it silently and goes to tug the sheets of along with him, taking a moment prior to strip the blanket away before they got some of the mess on that. don't have to change everything.]
What kinda stuff?
[he's assuming lube and perhaps condoms, though it's not like they used one tonight and likely wouldn't use one in the future. maybe some cleaning wipes? he's assisting in changing the bedsheets and so mentally pictures itadori coming to the next meeting with clean sheets in a bag. wow. wouldn't that be like him... leaving the other guy to deal with making it all pretty, dabi heads to the window to slide a finger through the slats, just enough to open it and take a peek outside. as expected... nothing. could do with a smoke right now, but considering who he's with, hmph, guess he'll pass.
by the time he turns back around, itadori's done and dabi eyes him with a curious look at the clean-made bed and his partner sitting there like a little kid with a gentle smile. you really aren't someone who should be hanging around me... said that before and he still thinks it. too bad he knows now itadori's too stubborn to listen. leaving the window, dabi moves back to the bed and kneels on it, moving to just behind the other boy.
he catches him on the top of his head, fingers curled in his hair, and lightly--bur firmly--draws back, tilting itadori's head backwards. just enough he's left staring at the ceiling until dabi leans over him and kisses him upside down. there's the faintest trace and taste of smoke on his tongue, free hand cupping the sorcerer's throat.]
Lube and condoms. We need it, right? We just made a huge mess ...
[ yeah, dabi got it right. it was extremely tempting to give in to exhaustion as he relished the bliss of their afterglow, and itadori is still annoyed that he had to break it off and attend to the shower instead. it's a learning experience, so next time he will come prepared. well— if he ever gets the heads-up. you can't always plan out those things. sometimes it just happens.
his gaze shadowed dabi's steps, turning his head to glance back at first, only to be coaxed by a firm tug at his hair. itadori asked no questions, aired no protests, merely complying with it. the pressure on his throat might make someone feel restless, especially with the way his neck flexed, bare, far too vulnerable under the mercy of a man who had blood on his hands. was it blind trust, or foolish devotion? maybe a mix of both.
... oh, that was— cute. he could almost see sparks striking behind his closed eyelids, tipping his chin upward, embracing the kiss with parted lips. itadori didn't dare to move when dabi broke it off to speak, not even an inch. he stares at the other from this peculiar viewpoint, lashes low. his blood has warmed up, and is just roaring hot through his veins. why? because this is the first time dabi reached for a touch, seemingly growing more relaxed around him. in contrast to how their night had started, watching the man right now just felt so—
what was it again? is it 'calming'? 'heartwarming'? itadori couldn't specify it into a single word. it's a mad rush of several emotions all at once. he leaned in again, tongue flicking a line to bisect dabi's lips before kissing the edge of his mouth. ]
Am I? ... Sorry. Tolerate it.
[ gently, he relaxed his neck, sitting up a bit as his arm stretched back to curve around dabi's waist, drawing him close, enough to urge him to settle down next to him. it makes his heart beat faster, warmer... itadori's own smile softens, and he leans toward his partner just a little, lightly touching their foreheads together. even in the heaven of itadori's rare contentment ... 'how can I protect you? — those words persist, a breath away from slipping out. they end up unheard, and he turns his face just enough, lips brushing the other man's ear. ]
I want to be with you. Like this. Whenever we can.
[ and maybe, just maybe, that's all itadori can do for him. if he can't change his mind, change his resolve, make him see that he's sabotaging himself more than the family he's so desperate to punish—then all he can offer is a safe space, a kind company, and a reminder that he doesn't need to be alone all the time. please don't end up all alone. the conception might be enough, even in its simplicity. itadori hopes so.
playfully, he pulled dabi against him before he shoved his weight on the other, and they end up flopping down on the mattress with a loud creak. man, that bed had gone through some shit tonight, and it's still not over. resting on his side, he rolled over to face dabi, with his cheek squished against the pillow. ]
Okay. You need to decide! Pitch black or lights on? Blanket or no blanket? I'll be fine either way.
Leave the second one out; ya don't need it. Mess' fine.
[it's part of the experience. considering they just did it without a condom, dabi's not figuring they're going to require a revisit with one. especially since he's pretty sure itadori'd be curious about what finishing inside feels like, as he had with dabi. and heartless villain as he is, who's he to deny the guy that experience? especially after determining he's gonna fuck him into the mattress to get the other end of the spectrum. (hey, annoyance down; shower was your idea, yuji.)
tilting his head back and kissing him like this glazes towards the intimacy side of things, fingers and palm cupping round his throat flavoring it with something possessive and maybe even threatening. his thumb's right against itadori's pulse point, every beat of his blood thrumming through his flesh. dabi eases the grip on his hair, letting the damp, pink spikes shift between his joints and flutter across his hand. the guy complied with the kiss without question... well, they've not given each other reason to be afraid of the other so far.
parting their mouths only just enough to speak, dabi's words as tangible against itadori's lips as they're audible to his ears. only scarred throat and collar are visible real estate from this point of view for the sorcerer, but a good view's not the point for this kiss. temptation crawls through his lips and teeth to bite him, something aggressive and raw to clash with this sudden dip into the softer, but he brushes the allure aside. itadori's put up with plenty so far and has held to his word. he'll give him a little more leeway for the time being. give instead of taking.
maybe blame it on the afterglow later, despite that being long-since washed down the drain. a wet flick of tongue thuds against his lips, pressing them apart as the taste buds along the surface of itadori's muscle skim across dabi's scorched and fire-crenelated lower lip, a far contrast to the glass-smooth underside of that wet invasion wandering across his healthy upper. before that whole dual experience truncates in a short and sweet kiss to the corner of his mouth.]
If I feel like it.
[what a bratty response. kind of likes it. releasing his neck and withdrawing, dabi surrenders itadori back to himself, resting on his calves behind him. that arm about his waist ultimately draws him out of his perch and he wrangles himself a bit to lean down beside him. attention to his position's momentarily shattered when itadori brings their foreheads together, earning a blink of surprise and then a somewhat narrowed gaze. there's a point where 'too familiar' is breached. this is nearing it. even with sex, dabi's not a touchy feely person this way. it skims it, a fish just under the surface, but doesn't breech as itadori instead goes for his ear.]
Gonna take that at surface value...
[such a statement is way past "dangerous" and into the "over the edge" territory. but to some testament of itadori's offer of a comfortable retreat, dabi doesn't outright dismiss it as his instinctive reaction immediately flares up to do. scorch it, kill it, tell him he's stupid for even thinking such a thing. instead, he'll take it as this. a physical retreat from his life. a place and person he can come to free of his normal baggage. apparently that also comes dealing with itadori's clingyness, but that's not too high a price. he can tolerate it. in exchange, he'll simply offer the same. a place where the sorcerer doesn't have to hold all of his baggage for a little while. that's as comfortable a trade as dabi's willing to make right now. itadori's welcome to fall deeper over the edge, but he won't.
never get attached to someone else. especially not like this... not that the villain has the capacity for those feelings anymore. but he'll at least give itadori that acceptance.
strength and pressure quickly topple him and dabi swings an arm back instinctively, bracing on the bed before his elbow buckles and he drops down onto it with a soft grunt. relax. the beds here have been through worse. sometimes quirks get involved in sex and that can really fuck up the supporting furniture. dabi settles onto his back, one arm draped across his chest, the other one lying at his side.
really? itadori's making a big deal about that? like a carnival game. this kid has too much fun with life. instead of answering, dabi merely kicks the sheets and blanket up from the bottom of the bed and drags them up. despite his resistance to cold, he's never been comfortable sleeping uncovered when he's not wearing his clothes. brings back bad sensations.]
Ya know both of those can be individual decisions. [aka: neither needs to decide to tolerate the other's preference. right before clicking off the light beside the bed.] Light or dark doesn't bother me.
[ ah, that little glare from dabi, as endearing as it was, he knew the warning signs. honestly, this whole thing felt like taming a feral cat at times, one that's not used to the human touch. while you're so eager to pet it, reach down for their head, often you'll be rewarded with a paw clawing your hand away. it takes time and effort to win their trust, and dabi would probably kill him for that analogy— but is he lying here?
the stiff and narrow stare is heard loud and clear. itadori will back off, give him some space, let him breathe. otherwise dabi wouldn't tolerate his advances and drag them back to the stage of caution. or, that man might ghost him completely. now that will be painful; especially after getting so spoiled with their closeness, and given the freedom to be affectionate (even if it's one-sided) with someone. it meant too much for itadori to fuck up. he'll behave for now.
and so, with a knowing smile, he curls up next to the other man, close but not clinging. he's fine with it. itadori is fine with them being here, sharing space, content, and comfortable. ]
I like it dark, with a blanket and a leg sticking out.
[ it's his turn to switch off the light from his side, and like the perfect romantic cliche— the moonlight subtly illuminates the room as it fell into a serene hush. for now, itadori rests on his back, his shoulder touching dabi's, with his head tilt to the side. it's a safe option where he gets some kind of physical contact under their blanket, without smothering the other man. a fair trade between his neediness and dabi's reserve.
he stares at the ceiling, nothing in particular. however, the unwavering smile on his features speaks a lot about how itadori perceived this entire experience. he begins to reflect on this day, from the moment he woke up, to when he joined his classmates, successfully handling a mission, rushing back to the dorms to prepare the meal, meeting with dabi, having his first kiss, his first sexual experience, understanding why he's so infatuated by this man after obsessing about it from the night they met, getting some of his questions answered— and now, he's brought back to this moment. as they relaxed on one bed, under one blanket, with enough trust that he could fall asleep, consoled he's not at risk, nor is dabi.
— to be able to know that he didn't need to be alone. that he could be with someone. all those fears and dreads should no longer paralyze him. to have the freedom to seek the intimacy he craves, a person he could confide in, someone who can reciprocate his feelings. what started as 'never' has made a dramatic twist to 'it might happen!'.
is he allowed to be this happy?
... it's scary. ]
It feels ... weird knowing that I can actually ask someone out now. Well, it's not like people are lining up to date me. But, it feels nice to have an option.
[he's never once agreed with itadori's sentiments that he's a 'nice guy' to be with. despite his laid-back attitude, dabi's violent, spiteful, and selfish. he may trust the other guy a little more than he did before, a little more than he probably should for just two meetings, but itadori's sincerity is easily noticed and self proven. this is a person would reach out for anyone's hand and grasp onto them, hold them tightly, and never let go, no matter what came his way in recompense, all to save them. a hero and a good person to the end. makes him unbearably naive at times, and yet... how different would the world be if the heroes and others in the world were like him?
in a way... it's frightening, to stare acceptance in the face so readily. those walls of flame come up fast and dabi backs off into the darkness, refusing to allow either of them to move forward any further. it's a warning and both an admission and agreement. as itadori retreats, dabi settles on the bed beside him. might be a sort of unconscious power play here. an understanding that the kid won't push him to far out of fear of being left along, and a similar realization that the villain actually wants this to last a bit longer and so won't burn him.
that smile lingers in the corner of his turquoise eyes even as he shifts them up to the ceiling. it's his presence beside him that he feels. a gentle glow of warmth and the weight of another sharing his bed. thing is, itadori's right; he is comfortable.]
That's specific. [and the obvious solution to the fight between too hot under the covers but too cold with them off.] Over the edge of the bed or in the middle?
[as the room settles into darkness, it's a few seconds before his eyes adjust to the moonlight coming from window. dabi glances towards it. yeah, those curtains are gonna have to be shut before he goes to sleep. not having his face resting unconscious towards an exposed window. later. right now he feels at ease enough to let it stay open, moonlight included. there's no attempt to edge away from the shoulder touching his own, a single point of contact between villain and sorcerer. not going to admit to the subtle attempt his body makes to feel itadori's heartbeat through that contact.
gives him time to think about everything as well. dabi doesn't want to look into this as anything more than two guys meeting and fucking to blow off some steam. some free meals on the side. and yet, it's itadori yuji. which means it's not just that on the other guy's side. a glance over at that smile is enough to tell him that. took a lot of this kid's firsts tonight, from kiss to sex to having a partner no strings attached. what dabi sees as merely a useful thrill is a friendship for itadori. he's probably spent all day excited about it. what dabi gets excited about would horrify itadori and make him cry. they're diametrically opposed so completely, it's fucking insane for them to be together, and yet here they are. which of them is crazy? doesn't know. probably both. it's easier to tell himself this is infatuation, a massive crush on the wrong person, and eventually the kid's gonna wise up and leave. in the meantime... che, fuck it. he'll stick around and see what happens.
admittedly, it's kind of nice to have an escape. someone he doesn't have to look over his shoulder at or think about what use he could make over them. no real suspicions about hiding revenge or attempts to supplant or take down. he's just itadori yuji. someone who's happy to be around him.]
[ it's not like dabi can 'see' anything, but he can certainly feel the shifts under the thick fabric, as itadori pushed his leg out. it wasn't really dangling over the brim, but close to it. the perfect balance in his opinion.
for the sake of keeping a blind eye to dabi's criminal, murderous activities— the mundane question of 'how was your day?' is not an option in their case. he will hear the grim details, and it will only trigger a squabble, make this night end on a bad note— therefore, itadori will try his best to avoid that. he deserves one fucking good day, and he'll grab into it with his teeth and nails. now that he thinks about it, dabi had a perk that made their relationship work. that man didn't have the desire to gloat about his wicked sins, often keeping it to himself. while the kid likes to pretend he's doing it for his welfare, it was more of dabi's psyche. for someone who's carrying a heavy load of resentment, he's oddly chill. it's probably why itadori, and some individuals in the league, are encouraged to call him their friend. ]
It's not. I mean ... I wouldn't tell my date I'm 'using them'. It kinda kills the vibe of making it romantic, you know? Then again, we've done some ... very date-ish things?
[ — for two strangers choosing to have casual sex, with no emotional connection, they might've crossed a few lines. itadori rolled his eyes to the side, sneaking a peek at the other man as he ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it back and slick. the mild confusion with his answer is evident, from the way itadori furrowed his brows, pressed his lips together, eyes narrowed and seemingly lacking certainty. itadori didn't go far in his hunt for a justification; way too tired, instead sighing and returning his attention toward the other man.
god, the way itadori is looking at him ... like he's begging for something, yet he's conscious he's not allowed to. forbidden! it's like a child standing outside a candy store, face glued against the window, in total agony. this screams pathetic, but the sorcerer couldn't give a fuck anymore. ]
Okay, I will let you sleep at peace tonight. I promise. But, can we cuddle next time? Isn't that what people do when they share a bed?
[ maybe if he warned dabi in advance, he wouldn't be so opposed to the idea in the future. it allows him time to be mentally prepared, which diminishes the chance of getting rejected. heh, maybe he's not so stupid after all! ]
[itadori's protested being a kid before, and yet then he goes and does something like this. eager and proud to answer with a show off of something so mundane and childish, it's annoyingly pure-hearted. dabi doesn't bother lighting anything to see; he can gather as much by the shifting covers.
yeah no, he'll just keep the sheets around his ribs for now.
dabi's not expecting itadori to ask about his "day" or his "life" since they already decided not to bring those topics into their meetings. one out of secrecy over a life unrevealed to the villain, and one out of caution over the activities the sorcerer would be against hearing and at risk of knowing. dabi isn't one to garrulously spill about his criminal ways, at least not to most people, and usually never for no reason. he likes to save that kind of shit for battles or dangerous situations where he needs to by time or intimidate others. itadori doesn't fall into that category. plus he's already made it clear he doesn't approve. no point in getting into an argument. but it does limit their conversation topics... what to speak about when their normal lives are shuttered by the lives themselves? likely something more off topic. preferences and thoughts about random shit. small talk that means nothing more than finding commonality between two different people.
odd thing is, dabi finds himself actually wanting to perhaps indulge in some of that with itadori. it irritates him because he normally couldn't give a shit. and yet here he is, talking about what temperature is best in bed. there's something about the sorcerer that's... comfortable. he's not someone dabi would ever admit to caring about whether he lived or died, but apparently he does take some solace in knowing itadori's alive. at least alive enough he can look forward to meeting him another time. can't say he's really ever felt that about someone else. someone he isn't planning on being villainous towards.]
Depends on how ya define a date. Two people goin out an doin' somethin they both enjoy doing? Could be a date. [no matter if the "something" is watching a movie or blowing up a convenience store.] Wouldn't call this one. It's just an extended meetin, dinner an' a fuck included.
[a little smirk and a "heh" pop off at the end of that. dabi didn't do "emotional" connections, since that moved too much into the "feelings" he doesn't have. what itadori holds towards him is the other guy's own burden. he knows not to expect much, if any, on the return outside of a surface-level curiosity and interest. still... that does beg the question why he's staying here to sleep beside him when he would've long-since left someone else and the door behind him.
eyes fall on him again and dabi glances to the side to catch the sorcerer's face in the faint moonlight. confusion and frustration in his voice isn't hard to hear, but seeing it on his face reminds him itadori's still just off the cusp of adulthood. contrary to the expressive display on his partner's face, dabi's remains a complete blank, eyes somewhat lidded, brows resting neutral, lips together despite his scarred slicing across his stapled cheeks making him reminiscent of a glasgow smile. can't give him certainty or justification beyond simply wanting to do something and going for it. to hell with the results.
so why is itadori looking at him like a begging child outside a store window? it is pretty pathetic, but hey, if dabi's going to encourage the guy to be free with his desires, then isn't he setting himself up for this kind of crap? who knows what sort of repressed wants itadori's been harboring under that pink hair of his.]
Huh?
[the villain's mouth cracks open a bit in a slight twist of confusion, brows angling in the same. that's what he's wanting? to be clingy?]
Ya ain't gonna turn into some kinda octopus while I'm sleepin are ya?
[granted, considering dabi's main concept of "being together" is his parents, the idea of cuddling in bed is a relatively alien concept in his head. do people really have to touch while they're sleeping to feel comfortable or something? granted, he appreciates the warning, but he's not sure he's the kind of person who's right for cuddling. which is still playing out almost like a failed wrestling match in his head. a far cry from what itadori's thinking about.]
Or do ya mean... uh... fuck, what kind are ya talkin about?
[ just a meeting, dinner, and a fuck. itadori didn't object, even when he was side-eyeing the other man the whole time, taking in that smirk and the unspoken words behind it. if this is how dabi has chosen to interpret tonight's events, then he wouldn't ruin it by fighting him for what he truly believes happened. it wasn't a casual fuck. the villain didn't indulge his urges and then left the kid behind in his mess. he was attentive when he didn't need to be. patient when no one asked for it. he understood what this fucking night meant for itadori. in the best way his revenge-craved mind could, within what little compassion he had left in him, dabi made it special for him. how the hell is this a casual fuck? impassive? and he's still here. with itadori. he's still accommodating to him, tolerating this clingy kid and allowing him to end this night, his special night, on a good note. there is an effort, there is acceptance—
it's easy to get heated at how he's steadfast in downgrading his influence on the sorcerer. dabi refused to give power to the one thing that made itadori feel he's fated to die a lonely, miserable death. he's angry because— that man didn't know how much this moment had shaken him. this might be a silly conclusion for some, to be put on a high standard as being saved, while all he got is a sexual experience with a murderer. itadori didn't care about the circumstances. it is what it is. this night is everything he ever needed, and it pissed him off that dabi couldn't see it.
it was hard to swallow it all in, but he did. precious, yet fragile— is his time with this man. ]
... for real? It's that confusing to you?
[ itadori raised an eyebrow, he then rolled over, leaning on dabi's side as he regarded him closer. a slow blink, and with a quiet 'ah!', he realized this is serious. he's not messing with him. ]
I'm talking about holding you as we sleep. No, not like an octopus. I don't want to suffocate you. It's ... uh, it will feel good. For both of us. You will feel ... safe.
[ because, let's be honest, when they're out there— it's never safe. you're always on edge, moving, running, fighting, obsessing, tired, fucking exhausted, out of breath, and then ... return 'home' to an empty bed only to stay up for hours because your thoughts are running wild in your isolation. itadori, at least, is not alone. in a sense he had friends who care about him, who try to protect and support him in his journey. dabi is on another threshold, stubborn and committed to walk through hell on his own; lost all trust and faith in others. he's not even trying. he's done trying. it took itadori back to that smirk, and the pride behind it for denying anyone to presume his actions can be more than emotionless acts; the walls he built around himself seem infinite.
how can he reach him? ]
... Whenever you want.
[ by giving him space. breathe. try again another time. nice and easy. ]
We should try it. I want to be your first in something.
[there's a part of him that nags over the same thoughts. so many other times, dabi'd have finished and left a long time ago. but those times hadn't brought him homemade food and certainly hadn't expressed such interest in being close to him in a friendly way. yes, he's not charred in the mind and heart enough to not recognize the impact this night left on itadori, but no, he fails to see just how much it's meant to him. likely because he doesn't want to see it. dabi has no delusions about the future of his life. whether it ends in death or imprisonment, there is no "good ending" waiting for him. without knowing itadori's ultimate termination looming over his head, he figures the kid has a challenging but long life ahead of him. not something he should be wasting by getting involved with a psychopathic murderer who intends to kill his entire family and shake the foundations of civil society until it's crumbling.
he also doesn't want to know what it feels like again... the idea of someone caring about him. a long time ago, touya grew up clinging to the hope that his father's pride in him and his mother's fearful kindness meant some sort of love and care despite the abuse his father put him through. held onto that desperately to get through the suffering loneliness. but after endeavor dismissed him, replaced his existence with two failures and at last a success, after his mother didn't care enough to listen to him... he realized it was all a lie. the "care" he thought they gave him was nothing more than his father's expectations over his usefulness and his mother's fear over her meal ticket being ruined. the betrayal and emptiness gutted him, left him crying to natsuo so many nights, begging his brother to tell him what his purpose was in life because touya couldn't see it anymore. someone had to care about him, right? someone had to see him, Right?RIGHT?!
no... no one did.
he died alone. dragged himself off that burning mountain alone, flesh smoldering and heart blackening inside his charred body. it's how he's existed for years. hating people, acknowledging his existence as being nothing to anyone but himself. the only way he could get attention was to flare up and draw eyes of hatred and disgust on himself. there had been no hero to reach out to help him. no kindness to tell him he'd be okay. those things didn't exist in the world for people like him. they were cursed villains. they made use of each other, consumed each other, lashed out against the people who despised them. existed.
then itadori yuuji showed up.
in one conversation and one night, this random ass kid showed dabi more kindness and consideration, more sincere and true care than he could ever remember receiving from anyone in his entire fucking life (well, in his own jaded and embittered memory). slashing straight through the scars and burns and scorched walls, until dabi was left staring at the very real reality that this young man would, if given the opportunity, really reach him. grasp his hand and hold on tight. remind him of what it felt like to actually recognize someone giving a fucking shit about whether he hurt, lived, or died.
it terrifies him. the reality of being cared about. of attempted rescue and protection.
yeah, he knows what this night means to itadori and the potential behind that knowledge between them. if he's not careful, if he doesn't keep this kid at arms length behind a wall of fire... dabi might actually care about him too. and that's such utter fucking bullshit! does he have any idea just how fucking risky and dangerous that is? those damn feelings he burned out of himself long ago?!
Look at me!
he can't fathom it. so he downgrades his influence on him. he refuses to admit this night's special. he keeps itadori at arm's length. he can't see how he could ever be "important" to someone in that way, because doing so means there's someone who'd mourn for him once he was gone. someone he might actually care about enough not to want to hurt. someone he might actually listen to when it came to stopping. feelings are dangerous because they don't stop. so keep this as nothing. keep this as a sexual experience between some naive sorcerer and a murderous villain. it's safer that way. for both of them. this little moment that dares to suggest there's a hope of some fragile sense to belong...]
Do I look like someone who gets clung to a lot?
[dabi rolls his head to the side and gives him a dry expression as the sorcerer sidled up next to him. watching his face in the stark contrast of shadows and moonlight. most people see the scars and think if they touch him, his damn skin'll flake off onto their hands like torched bark.]
Safe, huh. Hate to break it to ya, but we were safer in that shack.
[at least that shithole didn't have a lit sign out front for "vacancies". still, itadori's only proving once again that he cares about dabi's feelings. "safe" is a gambling word. there are places dabi felt safe enough to sleep and rest. villain hideouts and stuff. but he's kept himself separate from the league enough it's not like he's got "friends" coming into his room at night to check on his slumber, much less sleep in his bed with him. if itadori's going to school, then he's probably got friends who fill that need for him, comforting him and helping him sleep knowing he's safe within the perimeter. they're from different lives, loneliness for one being a horrible burden to bear, while the other cloaks himself in it as the vanguard of safety. itadori clings to people he cares about while dabi's long since given up on people in general and rejects them all.
reaching him takes a lot more than a conversation, a meal, and a night together.]
Hmph... [stubborn guy. giving him his space and all. he's already put up with a lot of this. from staying after the sex to getting a shower with him to agreeing to spend the night in the same bed. itadori's simple that good-hearted of a person.] Why the hell are ya so intent on connectin with me? Ya got ya whole life ahead to find someone who ain't gonna be dead or imprisoned within a year.
[he gets this is... was, a release and freedom for itadori, but now it's developed into more. dabi can see that already. it's strange. as naive as he is, this guy knows not to fall for someone on the first "date", right? he can't be this protective and attached to everyone he first meets.]
[ he shakes his head. no, dabi isn't inviting. it's not easy to build the courage to get close to that man, and most people wouldn't gamble on it. he shakes his head again— that's not what itadori meant by 'safe'. his protest is reserved, weak, only because he didn't know how to elucidate it.
it's when you don't need to run. when it doesn't hurt anymore. when your thoughts are hushed into a peaceful lull. it's warm; their body is warm against yours. you can finally close your eyes, drop your guard, take a steady inhale. in the end, you're no longer alone. you're happy, content and-
safe.
itadori did a pretty good job in keeping himself together. he really tried to calm down and not to overwhelm dabi and himself with all the fire blazing inside of him. it's young, eager, and belligerent— it didn't want to wait. they don't have the fucking luxury of time. he wants to follow the right steps, give that man the patience he deserves after getting fucked over by the closest people in his life. dabi deserves to have someone putting in the effort to win his trust, not by empty words but by being consistent, and by showing up. be there for him, for as long as he welcomes it. show him you won't grow tired of him, show him he's worth the risk. just show up. be there.
— until he can't anymore. what if itadori ends up as another reason in his book on why he shouldn't waste his time on others? was it fair to beg for a connection only to disappear without any justification? ]
I don't want anyone else.
[ while it's true, that's not what dabi asked. it was a half-assed answer, and itadori knew it. he takes in a quivery breath, glancing up at the ceiling again, idly toying with his fingers against his chest. he will not talk about his situation, only because dabi will just use it as an excuse to discredit him. 'oh, he probably doesn't have enough time to find someone better, so he's settling with a criminal like me.' yeah— that's not happening. this might really get itadori to lose it. ]
I ... don't know what to say. I'm not good at this? I'm not good at explaining myself. I just do it. Because I want to, and it feels right.
[ no matter how hard he tries, he can't fucking stop thinking about what little time they have. dabi could be dead tomorrow, he might end up dead before him. it's a sick race to who gets to be buried first, and he's supposed to be okay with it. he shakes it off, or tried to. he's struggling with it— itadori huffs, closing his eyes; fingers curled up into tight fists now. ]
If the situation was different, and you stopped back then ... I don't think I'd be able to recover. I'd break, and I can't ... break. People need me not to fall apart.
[ he paused, silent, and then— quietly: ]
I was scared. You knew I was scared. You knew I needed some control over my life, even if it's as simple as having sex with a stranger, but you gave it to me. You didn't mock me for it. You knew how important it was to treat me like I'm normal.
[ he is not taking dabi's past away from him, if anything ... itadori knew he could never relate to that type of betrayal, especially when you're just a child crying for your parents. they didn't relate in their pain, but they are in their loneliness. dabi can pretend he's above it all, but it can't possibly be true. he refused to believe anyone can go through this life on their own. it's too cruel. he returns staring at the ceiling, only for a second, before he glanced at the man beside him. ]
what the fuck is wrong with this guy?! how can someone meet up with a person so randomly and after so little time, decide that person is the "one" for them? while he certainly doesn't seem like the type, dabi's not exactly an emo thug punk with a brick for a brain. the son of endeavor meant he did more than throw punches and train his quirk. he had an education shoved into his head, learned courses and did studies, had enough knowledge in there to get up in school. which included knowing about relationships, despite his current inability to feel them and disparaging contempt for them.
the notion of "love at first sight" isn't lost on him, unlike his more socially-impaired little brother. not that dabi has much intention of explaining how he has that kind of knowledge. but what he does know is enough to tell him itadori's attraction to him is a god damn moth to a flame, an infatuation that this kid probably barely even recognizes. why the hell is he so set upon this?! his sincerity is alarming and it's the sheer lack of lie or ulterior motive behind that pure confession that makes it all the more damning.
it doesn't make any sense. it clashes with everything dabi's living for right now. there's no place for affection and fondness in a life of hatred and revenge! there's no room for caring about someone else! no care for someone reaching out for him! long since fallen over the edge of that cliff, laughing insanity in the dark amid the burnt corpses, it's utter irrational to look up and see itadori hanging over the edge of that cliff, arm extended as he strains himself to connect to dabi in the dark. fucking insanity to try it.
and yet there he is, saying these kinds of things to him.
the only time he wouldn't need to run is if the villains take over or dabi's left in jail. only time it wouldn't hurt anymore is when he's fucking dead. the only time his thoughts would quiet into that peace is underneath six feet of dirty. shut eyed, guard dropped, breath steady, content with someone and safe...
verdict: impossible.
however, itadori, of all fucking people, gets it. words mean nothing, they're cheap, fake, and untrustworthy. but his actions say so much more. holding promises he's made, showing that eager willingness to learn and care, determined to not let go because he gives a shit, being there for him. even in this short time, dabi's almost convinced he can trust anything this guy says. lying doesn't come to the sorcerer even naturally; he simply doesn't think to lie. so when he says "i don't want anyone else", dabi's left fucking rattled and dealing with a panic he's never had to wrangle before.
without any context, he's left with only itadori's words, unable to use them as an excuse to dismiss his affections and feelings. he's left with only stark honest, fingers curling by his side and silent breath drifting like smoke between his lips. is it telling that among his wandering thoughts and rising agitation is the sudden desire to erupt the entire bed into a sea of flames? because this guy's managing to peel through a tiny part of that blackened crust over his heart and poke some of the agonizing raw flesh that remains deep inside.
protect me from what i want. but which of them is that speaking of and which of them is it spoken to?}
Because it feels right...
{again, it's words like that dabi actually respects. itadori's giving no excuse, not trying to rationalize his thoughts with feelings or drives. he simply wants to. on the one hand, impressive. on the other hand, pathetic. a sliver inside him wants to grab it and hold on selfishly. this is one person in the entire world who'd actually care about him. he could experience something his life had always denied him. but is it crueler to accept itadori's feelings, only to wind up dead or imprisoned and rip his heart out of his chest because of it? or reject him completely and get the heart ripping out of the way before itadori winds up hurting himself even worse...
and why the fuck is he even having these feelings? why the hell should he care what this kid's doing? this is a no-strings-attached activity of mutual using each other for their own gains.}
This ain't the smartest choice to make if ya got people countin on ya. {again, dabi feels it necessary to remind itadori of what he's getting himself into. if he wants to plunge in headlong without looking, that's his choice. but consequences don't vanish into nothing.} Why the hell would I stop? Already told ya I ain't scared of whatever you've got goin on.
{he thinks the kid's giving him more credit and thought into his choices than's due, but whatever. let him think so highly of him. it's kinda nice to have that for a chance. some of what he says is true, even if dabi made those decisions out of a "fuck it, blow some time" mindset. but treating itadori like he's normal... yeah, that's one of the nail-on-the-head points.}
Wow. Makin me out to be a fucking saint. {his tone's amused in a sardonic way, but at least he's not rolling over and showing his back to him.} Don't think anyone's "normal" in this life. We're all fucked up one way or another.
{yeah, leave it to the villain to choose "fucked up" rather than "unique" or "special" like other people would use. because he is alone. even with the league, he's not one of the cuddly members. still keeps to himself, still sees them as useful rather than friends, still holds his own machinations and goals as far more valuable than their stupid lives. he truly doesn't give a shit about shigaraki, all for one's plans, or any of that crap. so long as "that crap" remains a vehicle he can hitch a ride on and use to ram endeavor to despair and death, he'll grab on and hang out the fucking window with a grin on his face. (and then puke if the driver's a piece of shit cause he gets carsick easily.)
dabi finds he can't really answer the rhetorical question tossed at him. telling itadori not to be attached to him, or attracted to him, is about as useful as telling a train to stop coming towards you. if he's not going to get out of the damn way, well...}
Just remember to careful, Itadori. {sheets shift and the villain leans over, one hand swinging around to reach over the other boy's head, catch him at the back of the crown, and then pull him forward until he could catch his lips with his own. there's something almost possessive about this kiss, and his lips are hot, probably enough to make itadori's nerves question if this is safe. the kiss breaks easily.} If ya play with fire too much, ya gonna get burned.
{but even with that said, there's a silent acceptance in the air. if itadori wants to cling to him (and that includes physically), then that's his choice. so long as he understands this is a dumb choice, it's a dangerous choice, and it's potentially damning.}
itadori simply nods, like the fucking coward he is, and allows dabi to continue living under the shadows of the unknown. sure, he didn't lie, but he's also not giving that man, the one he's committed to protecting, the chance to understand what he's dealing with. how is he begging for trust when he's not doing his part of the deal? why is he so intimidated of telling him? is he scared that he's breaking a rule of secrecy, or ... because dabi might be like 'fuck this' and leave him?
those words are empty in his ears. the villain didn't need to fear the king of curses— it wouldn't change the outcome, though. itadori didn't fear him either; it's his actions, his strength, insane power, and sadistic cruelty that humbled itadori down to his knees. he has seen what sukuna can do. he can feel his animosity. it's so intense, like a constant fever simmering inside of him. an endless hell. dabi is not weak, his quirk is anything but fragile. the question is: is he stronger? can his flames outshine sukuna's? who will get turned into ashes first? who will end up standing and laughing at their new earned freedom?
the tingle in their kiss, the scorching heat of dabi's lips against his own didn't repel him. itadori leans into it instead, sighing softly as his fingers cradle the other man's cheek; skin equally hot against his touch. he didn't even flinch; he'd take that bite without any grievances. keeping their closeness, foreheads pressed together, eyes barely open. itadori seemed in such a bliss, almost as if he's dismissive, but that's not the case. he took it to heart, and he plans to be careful— not in the way dabi is directing. ]
You keep saying I'm making a mistake. I'm being stupid. This won't end well ... why do you want me to act like the society you hate so much?
[ itadori attempts to ease his now slightly swollen lips by running his tongue over them; canted his head back a bit as he forced dabi to tilt his chin upward, eye to eye. his own expression relaxed, now staring— praising dabi's rough features under the dim lighting. even with all those distractions, this man is undeniably good-looking. his little brother might be the golden prince, the epitome of a 'pretty boy', but the oldest todoroki hasn't lost his shine; even when the skin is fighting to hold on to his flesh. ]
This society will call me a fool. They will ask: why would a good kid end up with someone like you? They will say you're not worth saving. Lock him up. Kill him. I'm not defending your actions, Dabi. You have killed people. You're dangerous— but no one wants to think about how you needed protecting too.
[ a pause, hesitant- ]
If I'm honest, I was like them. I started doubting it when I've seen the 'bad guy' in my society spend the last few seconds of his life crying for his brother. I've been told 'they don't feel anything', yet I've seen them in pain, in tears, scared, and very much ... human.
[ he lets go of his chin, and that same hand pressed flat against dabi's lower back under the blanket; it brushed lower and over the curve of his ass, then down to his thigh. his fingertips knead on the soft, healthy skin as he closed his eyes. kinda like his own personal stress ball, huh. his own body feels heavy, and itadori is unsure whether it's due to his exhaustion or the weight of their conversation. they're not really 'cuddling', but they are in each other's space— close and cozy; his voice is barely above a whisper. ]
You're too warm. Please don't burn down the bed. I'm too tired to find another motel right now ...
[cowardice or strategy or requirement? dabi's not holding itadori's secrecy against him because he's laid that out as "to be expected" since the first conversation. and he has his own choice to walk away and leave the mystery behind him. while the villain doesn't fear whatever resides in the dark, he has every right to be cautious of it. arrogance is not one of dabi's stumbling blocks; he's far too selfish and survivalist to risk losing his goals over the sake of proving a stupid point. though he's also not failing to notice the irony in itadori wanting to be closer to him, wanting to help and protect him (bleh), and yet still refusing to be open to him about his life and the threats that brings. luckily for the sorcerer, that sort of information isn't (always) the requirement for dabi's supposed trust.
itadori's willingness to meet him and, as of yet, lack of breaking any promise or attempt at stopping him are the more important vouches for his acceptance. information on his life and issues can come later. dabi does know, however, that whatever it is itadori's feared ruining his attempts to sleep with someone isn't something he's going to write off either. there's a danger here and he'd best keep that in mind as much as itadori recognizes he's sleeping with a mass murderer. (little does dabi know he's doing the same.) but would he actually contend with it were it to emerge? not sure...
of course he'll defend himself if itadori attacks him, regardless of who or what is looking out of those eyes. he's made that clear in the past. without knowing of his potential opponent, he keeps self assurance with his quirk's range and scope. for the meta record, dabi's flames burn hotter than 3600 F, while steel melts around 2600 F and lava runs around 2000 F, so pick your hell. though knowing sukuna's speed and range, it'd be first strike versus surprise attack = winner. until the curse regenerates. dabi's seen shigaraki disintegrate half a fucking city, along with the people inside; he's ridden on the back of a monstrosity of a giant charging through one city after another, leaving the slaughtered and destruction in its wake, and laughed about it because it was an awesome ride. yeah, he's got better things to do than fight with not!itadori. (might tell him off though? cause he's a dick himself.)
no real reason to threaten a burn with the kiss, asides from reminding the other guy what he's dealing with. maybe to make a semi-unconscious point about the danger he possesses. but as expected, itadori doesn't back away from it or retreat. instead, he leans int it, accepts the heat, even touches his cheek with that tender tactile sensation of his. breaking their lips again, he complies with that ironically-tender motion of forehead to forehead, eyes watching itadori from beneath his hooded lids. guy looks like he's so fucking zoned in good feelings right now... when's the last time anyone ever was in such a state because of him?
why indeed...]
Cuz I ain't worth ya losin ya life over.
[without knowing itadori's life, dabi simply assumes it to be better than the majority of villains scraping by a living on their own. he's in a school with friends, he's dealing with some stuff, but it's not something the villain sees as weighty enough to choose this as his method of going out. even if he did want itadori to act like the rest of society, he knows now this kid won't act that way. he's too nice, too kind, too stupid. he tries to see what's good in people and he fights for his opinions whether they're right or wrong. honest and loyal, someone who could really make a difference in the world if only there had been more people like him when it was shaping itself.
someone like that didn't deserve to die in an improper way like going down with a mass murdering villain who didn't care whether people lived or died.
he lifts his head when itadori pushes up on their foreheads, watching him with the same sort of dour gaze a walking corpse would have. he's already prepped for what's going to happen to him, makes no secret his expectations of his future. so why did itadori think it'd be cool to go with him on this path? knowing he's going to kill, knowing he has no reason to stop, knowing that if things are found out, he's going to be looked at like a madman, or worse, an accomplice for not stopping dabi when he had the chance.
turquoise eyes wander over itadori's visage, taking in the sight of his face and his expression. young, but there's more to him than his naivety. even with that, the scar between his eyes and on his lip, as well as the look that lurks behind the surface amazement and childishness of his eyes speaks of a growing maturity and understanding within him. which again only confuses dabi even more as to why he'd make such a damning choice as him. he knows nothing about itadori, save for his grandfather died in a hospital a while ago. hasn't bothered going after anything else in the meantime. so something with that school he goes to then...
at the very least, dabi's not lost his sense of physical detail. itadori is attractive.]
How I need protecting? [he sounds somewhat caught off guard by that. is it the wrong thing to say? the right? maybe both. instantly it digs into the coals and throws them into the flames. talking to him about needing some damn protection.] Ya pretty fucking late on that.
[no one one's ever "protected" him. his mother only half-heartedly tried to keep endeavor from beating touya senseless. she never truly intervened when he was struggling against the burns on his body. and his father's only recourse for getting touya to stop training, to stop the fires he'd lit under his son and never bothered to teach him how to turn off, was only a callous dismissal of his failure and angrily berating him on his stupidity for continuing to train, which merely led to more abuse on his mother for letting touya out of her sight. neither of them cared enough to protect him, neither him nor the rest of his siblings. no hero came to protect them from that painful life of neglect and worthlessness. no friends came to offer their hand. and when touya died and dabi returned, the city did nothing but curse as another villain skulked into the darkness.
now itadori's here, talking about protecting him, when dabi's ready and willing to burn down the world with himself as the fucking match.
I've seen them in pain, scared, and very much ... human.
it's impossible to miss. the anger in dabi's narrowed eyes flickers like a fire suddenly blown in a wind, his gaze widening some in surprise. there've been times when he thinks to himself, this guy actually understands, while talking with itadori. someone who sees past the villain and into the person behind their actions and looks. while it's too late for dabi, the sheer reality that itadori's seeing him as a human and not some mass murdering monster, even though he is, not to mention treating him like one...
for several seconds, he's silent, no angry, not spiteful, but sincerely stunned. until finally.]
World'd be a lot different if more people were like you...
[there's a depth in his tone that admits to a wistful regret, rueful in understanding the patheticness of the world that can't have but only a handful of shining gems like itadori. perhaps if someone like itadori had been there... had reached out for any one of the league... shigaraki, dabi, touga, twice... they never would've been here. so many villains could've had their presents completely changed, if not entirely erased... but it's too late. the damage is done. the fires crawl back in and set up on the pyre he's built, returning into a hellish blue flare all over again. revenge can't be pushed away with a few nice words. there's too much poison, rooted too far within. too late.]
I ain't gonna burn ya up.
[said as the temperature lowers and everything goes back to simply being the normal warmth. a hand resting on his thigh, cupping at the unburnt skin there. dabi regards itadori for a little while longer before leaning forward and resting an arm around the other man's body. even if he is too late to change anything, perhaps it won't be horrible to go to the grave or the prison at least knowing one person in the world gave a shit about him.]
Ya fuckin crazy... but guess ya all right, Itadori.
[ hard to miss, indeed. a glisten that shines bright in their lightless room. even behind that anger, confusion and haze in dabi's mind, itadori couldn't help but to find every shift in his emotions as— beautiful. his own heart breaks with one word, then patches itself in another, that's how much power that man had over him. it comes and goes in waves, swaying under the sweet, sweet voice of a stranger who came into his life out of nowhere. he feels the weight of his arm over his body, only then his eyes widen a bit. oh, it's actually happening ...
itadori had been confident with his hands so far, too greedy and cocky in claiming dabi's body until he was faced with a warning for his unearned privilege. but, this? no, it's impossible not to fall for that bait. he takes in a breath; let his calloused fingertips feel upwards along the curve of dabi's lean body, so gentle. and then, with some pressure, he smoothed a full-palm touch against his back shoulder; they flex, pulling their bodies against each other— he ends up hiding his face against the curve of dabi's neck as he held into him. it was such a ... desperate embrace. as if he's reuniting with an old friend or a loved one. it felt familiar, as if they've done it before ... a long time ago.
he basks in the sedating warmth, eyes closed, his own back hunched— those fingers against the other man's back slowly curl up, balling into a fist. his breath is hot against dabi's skin; it stutters with every exhale. a moment later, it becomes clear. it's written all over his body language, and from the way he attached himself against the other. it wasn't a lovers' embrace. it's raw fear. vulnerability at its best, like the idiot he is.
weak. so fucking weak.
in contrast to dabi's words, and how the world would be less infernal and grim if more people like him are around— itadori is not living up to that compelling statement. he really was okay a second ago. why is everything falling apart over a simple little gesture? without any given cautionary too.
okay, deep breath. he got this. he's just a little overwhelmed. no one has ever held him before, not even as a child— or, not that he remembers? his grandfather was a good man, not affectionate though. a bit of a sob story, isn't it? never been hugged. dabi had it worse. far worse.
regardless, he should be happy right now, and yet it hurts. maybe because he couldn't fucking block dabi's words earlier; talking about how he's not worth saving, it's too late to protect him, the damage has already been done— the idea of being useless is lodged in him, down to the bone and the core of his soul. it must have been repeated so many times to the point it became touya's reality and the air he breathes; his own grasp of himself within his own family, in society, and on this earth. a failure. until this very second, even as he's willingly walking to his grave as dabi, seeking revenge, leaving blood and ashes behind his every step— there is a small part of him that still believes it. 'not worth saving'. ]
... don't disappear on me.
[ 'I want to save you' — is what itadori desired to say, but it was nothing more than forged promises. one he can't keep, even if he changed dabi's mind, society will not accept him back with open arms. those words will haunt him again- 'you're not worth saving'. it will take a level of strength, the type itadori didn't know if he had it in himself, so how could he ask dabi to do it? he couldn't.
that man had no home.
fuck. it's like someone dropped a heavy weight on his chest, and yet he's seduced by the idea of giving in to his exhaustion. it's mesmerizing, as he huddled under dabi's arm, feeling his steady pulse against his forehead. it's so dark, so warm, as they hid under the blanket, away from this world. their breathing almost matched in its rhythm, he's not alone in his bed back in the dorms, trapped between hollow walls. he's not alone with sukuna. someone is here with him.
it's— safe.
his heavy lids lower, eyes barely open. itadori is intoxicated by it all, his mind dancing over the edge of the unconscious. let it all go and figure it out in the morning, yuji. the original plan was to return to the dorms before sunrise, but fuck it. it won't happen. if he ends up waking up to a deserted bed; he wouldn't be mad. dabi has given him more than he could ever ask for. a night he will never forget.
{he's come to acknowledge itadori as strong, but watching the emotions the young man wears on his face only more proves he's still stupid and naive. to be so affected by one person's story... well, technically dabi had invited many people to be affected by his story, the world at large, but this wasn't the reaction he had gone for. he wanted his story to breed hatred for the heroes and mistrust in the society people lived in. he never set out to post that video and reveal his scars and sordid past in order to gain an effort by some hero to save him. the video was meant to attack endeavor. don't come to me! but alas, someone did come to him... this idiot with a weighty secret who got sucker punched by a stranger's chat and knocked windless by the truth behind it.
honestly, dabi's not sure if itadori's the worse fool or if it's himself. even daring to suggest the very idea he might give a shit about this weird kid enough to consider his feelings. but even if he knows full well he could drop itadori without hesitation, there's no denying that this guy actually gets it. the problems with society and the human behind the villain persona. he's a rare person who doesn't see the surface like society blindly drives for, but instead holds fast to his own convictions no matter what other people say. dabi knows even from this short time together, itadori can save people. not everyone, but he can save those close to him.
well... those who want to be saved, that is.
fingers wander along his skin, taking in the glide of his healthy covering and tracing the scarred flesh along a street-worn frame. ironically, most of his shoulder blades were still left clean from touya's demise and he unconsciously rolls his back up into itadori's calloused touch. a physical fighter from the feeling of those hands... sheets hiss again and he finds himself pressed to the sorcerer, legs hesitating for a moment before slowly risking the initiative to tangle around their ankles. staples scrape against the instep of itadori's foot, but he doesn't stop since the guy's never backed away from his wrecked flesh. dabi leans his head to the side, the crook of it invaded by a pink-haired head as itadori dampens the violet scar tissue with his breath.
why is this embrace so desperate? it's not the cling of a turned-on teenager or even an over-eager kid. it's the dogged grip of a lonely individual. he recognizes it as the same kind touya used to hold onto natsuo with as he cried his eyes out on his shirt and begged for some relief from a meaningless existence. so why, with all his friends and mystery school stuff, does itadori yuuji hold onto a villain like he's the only thing keeping him from a world of pain and suffering?
and yet, despite that undercurrent, there's no denying dabi's presence brings itadori comfort and warmth. the idea he'd bring those emotions to anyone is fucking laughable. except he's not laughing. there's something messed up with this kid and he has no idea what it is. but dabi's been around plenty of messed up people. he's merely curious, not at all afraid or disgusted. the arm resting around itadori's body remains where it is, hand dangling down behind him and fingers occasionally curling to brush spider-like touches across the diamond of his back. where the muscles curve and his spine bends. vulnerable, putting himself in the embrace of a walking crematorium, and finding solace in it. seriously fucked up.
doesn't dissuade him from those words he said. more people could stand to be like itadori. not 100% him, but if they were more willing to listen, to reach, to understand, maybe much of this could be avoided. who knows what would've happened if touya had stumbled off that mountain and yuuji had been there to catch him. it's a stupid thought and there's only a scant few times dabi's ever bothered letting himself think of "what if's" for any period of time. this is one of them.
would it help or hurt itadori to know that when dabi had grabbed onto shouto and tried to burn him to death above their semi-conscious father... that was the first time in his life touya had ever hugged his little brother... it's not the first time someone's ever held or hugged him, but it's the first time someone's done so for this reason. his father never did, his mother only did so out of fear and pity, and natsuo... eventually grew tired of it. why had no one ever hugged itadori? did someone this kind and cheerful really go through life without affection? that's kind of pathetic. but perhaps that's what makes it so easy for him to offer it to others. to try and ensure no one who crosses his path lives without at least some kind of affection. even if from a strange high schooler. some guy who wants to protect.}
Ain't makin that promise.
{it's a stupid promise to even ask for. itadori knows well enough dabi could die any day. or get caught and arrested. whether he dies during his fight with endeavor and against society or vanishes forever into the bowels of tartarus, there's no way he can promise not to disappear. somehow, he doesn't think itadori can make such a promise either. he's not going to give him little feel-good platitudes. fire doesn't comfort when you hold it close; fire burns.}
But I ain't gonna die until I'm done.
{something for him to hold onto. the knowledge that dabi's stubbornly going to keep his life whatever way he can no matter what it costs others (for him) until he can realize his ambitions. his father was the one who imparted that knowledge and drive into him; the art of sacrificing everyone and everything else for your own selfish path. who knows, maybe insanity's genetic. either way, itadori can at least hold that scorching knowledge as his promise. maybe it'll keep him warm at night.
tired as he is, dabi's not planning on sleeping yet. he'll finally fall under once itadori's drifted off to slumber. but it is comfortable here in his embrace. the rhythm of his breath on his neck, the beat of his heart against his chest, the constant undulating reminder this guy's alive and wants him here with him. ironic, but not exactly unwanted now. while he's by no means let itadori inside, at least the sorcerer is no longer across the street. he can stay in the foyer for now.
there's a lot to think about later. not tonight. tonight he'll accept a rare moment to rest beside someone who cares. let the world around them drift away. forget everything else except itadori and the strange feelings he brings. who knows who'll wake before the other, but dabi won't leave without him. if only for the dinner and sex, the kid's earned that much. even if things have to end tonight with the morning sun, at least he can admit he wouldn't mind a repeat. hell, already agreed to it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yay ;u;
Date: 9/27/21 20:21 (UTC)as he stood there, somewhat chewing on his lower lip, in a way muffling back the urge to say something. after taking in a deep breath, itadori shakes it off, watching as dabi stepped out of the shower. the changes in the burned flesh are subtle enough to dismiss, not like itadori is attentive to the small details. still bitter about the previous comment. whether it was intentional or not, the deflection toward their sexual experience served as a good distraction; sobering him up from the rut he was in. such a simple mind yuji has. ]
... For real?
[ he hasn't pursued him out of the bathroom yet, frozen. a bit startled with the possibility of them being intimate again. despite how comfy itadori is with touching, holding, and being 'fluffy' with that villain— he sincerely thought this was as far as they can go, and tonight was an exclusive generosity. he truly believed their upcoming hangouts will be nothing more than sharing a meal, and — found peace in it. therefor excuse him, while he stares at a random wall; the wheels in his head slowly turning and making sense of everything. dabi wants to do it again? with him?
hastily he dropped the towel, ran his hands through his hair to neaten it, heart hammering. his fingers danced with nerves, twitching, shifting, flexing— ]
Okay!!!
[ he blurted out, forcing himself to take the chance and not surrender to his doubts. yes, he almost lost control tonight, but he didn't. itadori chose to take it as an encouragement and have some faith that it will stay this way the next time. now that he consented, he can't take it back. it's done. they're doing this when the time is right.
god, why is his heart still pounding in his chest? with a heavy huff, he leaned down to pick up his boxers from the pile of clothes on the floor, finally covering himself. his gaze shifts towards a nearby closet, upon unlocking it— let's say he didn't expect this shitty motel would offer an extra pair of bedsheets to their guests, which is something they desperately need. after all, they have left their marks on the bed. ]
If we're doing it again, let me know in advance. I'll need to bring some stuff along.
[ the old bedsheets are yanked off, joining the hoard of clothes on the ground, and with some quick work— itadori spreads the new ones, running his fingers over the mattress to smooth it over, getting those edges tucked in; pillows fluffed. by the time dabi pays attention to him again, he'd find the sorcerer chilling on his side of the bed, legs crossed, waiting for him.
with a lighthearted smile, he gestures for the other to come closer. ]
You ready? ♥
no subject
Date: 9/27/21 21:07 (UTC)yeah. tell yourself that doesn't hurt. tell yourself that wouldn't drive anyone insane to have their reason for being extinguished. failure. useless. annoyance. worthless. LOOK AT ME!!
there's nothing left for him to care about. anything new that tries to press in meets the same flames within him. an azure domain that burns and burns and burns everything it touches to ash. cares. emotions. bonds. people. it's all gone inside. itadori'll hear about it on the fucking news because that's what dabi's good for: the sensation of revenge.
it's strange that yuji wants to reach into that hellish realm inside dabi and try to find something to grasp onto and save. hell, protect. but he'll only burn his hand black. they both want things, but at such a diametrically-opposing direction it's impossible to bring into alignment. and yet... there's weight inside itadori that dabi can almost feel. something damaged and hurting. it's not the thing inside him either; it's the kid himself. why else reach for a stranger? why else would a simple comment send him spiraling? simple, yeah. naive, definitely. stupid, of course. human? ... so very tenderly human.
dabi eyes him as he walks past, noting the surprise in his voice and expression as he passes. so eager to jump onto that pleasure all over again and forget the burdens inside. hmph. at least itadori still possesses the ability to be selfish. it's almost attractive.]
Uh-huh.
[the eldest todoroki son has his standards despite being willing to sleep with trash on the same level as dabi and even lower. he'll kick someone out or burn them up (the more likely) if they aren't worth an 'again' with him. itadori is worth more than one 'again' with him. whether it's meeting him for a meal or a fuck, there's something about him that dabi's silently caught. like a shining piece of unknown he can hold in his hand all for himself. not attached to any hero or villain, not involved(ish) with his life or ambitions, but instead a confusing, attractive, curious escape that dabi can't make any use of other than being able to selfishly keep all to his own.
he wants to do it again. wants to eat with him again. wants to see him again. you know, within limits. dabi's not a friendly guy even with the allies he's made in the league. still a lone wolf.
...did he just try to neaten his hair? swore he caught a glimpse of that in the mirror right out the corner of his eye. che, idiot. cute, but idiot. there's still things they have to deal with, but dabi's fine with that. keeping their lives and issues separate from each other leaves them able to focus only on the things generated between them. itadori didn't lose control tonight either and had sex. a big middle finger to whatever fears or blocks he had before keeping him from enjoying that part of life. another person dabi might say he corrupted, but itadori? ... tsk, the kid's so light all dabi can really say is that he managed to free him. in one little area. oh well. sometimes it just takes one rock to bring the house down.
he kicks his boxer briefs out of his pants and then up into the air, catching it in one hand before putting them back on. not really one to sleep in the buff, this is more comfortable. dabi's a bit surprised to see itadori returning with clean bedsheets. didn't expect that. but he accepts it silently and goes to tug the sheets of along with him, taking a moment prior to strip the blanket away before they got some of the mess on that. don't have to change everything.]
What kinda stuff?
[he's assuming lube and perhaps condoms, though it's not like they used one tonight and likely wouldn't use one in the future. maybe some cleaning wipes? he's assisting in changing the bedsheets and so mentally pictures itadori coming to the next meeting with clean sheets in a bag. wow. wouldn't that be like him... leaving the other guy to deal with making it all pretty, dabi heads to the window to slide a finger through the slats, just enough to open it and take a peek outside. as expected... nothing. could do with a smoke right now, but considering who he's with, hmph, guess he'll pass.
by the time he turns back around, itadori's done and dabi eyes him with a curious look at the clean-made bed and his partner sitting there like a little kid with a gentle smile. you really aren't someone who should be hanging around me... said that before and he still thinks it. too bad he knows now itadori's too stubborn to listen. leaving the window, dabi moves back to the bed and kneels on it, moving to just behind the other boy.
he catches him on the top of his head, fingers curled in his hair, and lightly--bur firmly--draws back, tilting itadori's head backwards. just enough he's left staring at the ceiling until dabi leans over him and kisses him upside down. there's the faintest trace and taste of smoke on his tongue, free hand cupping the sorcerer's throat.]
Ya really are impossible.
no subject
Date: 9/28/21 19:58 (UTC)[ yeah, dabi got it right. it was extremely tempting to give in to exhaustion as he relished the bliss of their afterglow, and itadori is still annoyed that he had to break it off and attend to the shower instead. it's a learning experience, so next time he will come prepared. well— if he ever gets the heads-up. you can't always plan out those things. sometimes it just happens.
his gaze shadowed dabi's steps, turning his head to glance back at first, only to be coaxed by a firm tug at his hair. itadori asked no questions, aired no protests, merely complying with it. the pressure on his throat might make someone feel restless, especially with the way his neck flexed, bare, far too vulnerable under the mercy of a man who had blood on his hands. was it blind trust, or foolish devotion? maybe a mix of both.
... oh, that was— cute. he could almost see sparks striking behind his closed eyelids, tipping his chin upward, embracing the kiss with parted lips. itadori didn't dare to move when dabi broke it off to speak, not even an inch. he stares at the other from this peculiar viewpoint, lashes low. his blood has warmed up, and is just roaring hot through his veins. why? because this is the first time dabi reached for a touch, seemingly growing more relaxed around him. in contrast to how their night had started, watching the man right now just felt so—
what was it again? is it 'calming'? 'heartwarming'? itadori couldn't specify it into a single word. it's a mad rush of several emotions all at once. he leaned in again, tongue flicking a line to bisect dabi's lips before kissing the edge of his mouth. ]
Am I? ... Sorry. Tolerate it.
[ gently, he relaxed his neck, sitting up a bit as his arm stretched back to curve around dabi's waist, drawing him close, enough to urge him to settle down next to him. it makes his heart beat faster, warmer... itadori's own smile softens, and he leans toward his partner just a little, lightly touching their foreheads together. even in the heaven of itadori's rare contentment ... 'how can I protect you? — those words persist, a breath away from slipping out. they end up unheard, and he turns his face just enough, lips brushing the other man's ear. ]
I want to be with you. Like this. Whenever we can.
[ and maybe, just maybe, that's all itadori can do for him. if he can't change his mind, change his resolve, make him see that he's sabotaging himself more than the family he's so desperate to punish—then all he can offer is a safe space, a kind company, and a reminder that he doesn't need to be alone all the time. please don't end up all alone. the conception might be enough, even in its simplicity. itadori hopes so.
playfully, he pulled dabi against him before he shoved his weight on the other, and they end up flopping down on the mattress with a loud creak. man, that bed had gone through some shit tonight, and it's still not over. resting on his side, he rolled over to face dabi, with his cheek squished against the pillow. ]
Okay. You need to decide! Pitch black or lights on? Blanket or no blanket? I'll be fine either way.
no subject
Date: 9/28/21 20:38 (UTC)[it's part of the experience. considering they just did it without a condom, dabi's not figuring they're going to require a revisit with one. especially since he's pretty sure itadori'd be curious about what finishing inside feels like, as he had with dabi. and heartless villain as he is, who's he to deny the guy that experience? especially after determining he's gonna fuck him into the mattress to get the other end of the spectrum. (hey, annoyance down; shower was your idea, yuji.)
tilting his head back and kissing him like this glazes towards the intimacy side of things, fingers and palm cupping round his throat flavoring it with something possessive and maybe even threatening. his thumb's right against itadori's pulse point, every beat of his blood thrumming through his flesh. dabi eases the grip on his hair, letting the damp, pink spikes shift between his joints and flutter across his hand. the guy complied with the kiss without question... well, they've not given each other reason to be afraid of the other so far.
parting their mouths only just enough to speak, dabi's words as tangible against itadori's lips as they're audible to his ears. only scarred throat and collar are visible real estate from this point of view for the sorcerer, but a good view's not the point for this kiss. temptation crawls through his lips and teeth to bite him, something aggressive and raw to clash with this sudden dip into the softer, but he brushes the allure aside. itadori's put up with plenty so far and has held to his word. he'll give him a little more leeway for the time being. give instead of taking.
maybe blame it on the afterglow later, despite that being long-since washed down the drain. a wet flick of tongue thuds against his lips, pressing them apart as the taste buds along the surface of itadori's muscle skim across dabi's scorched and fire-crenelated lower lip, a far contrast to the glass-smooth underside of that wet invasion wandering across his healthy upper. before that whole dual experience truncates in a short and sweet kiss to the corner of his mouth.]
If I feel like it.
[what a bratty response. kind of likes it. releasing his neck and withdrawing, dabi surrenders itadori back to himself, resting on his calves behind him. that arm about his waist ultimately draws him out of his perch and he wrangles himself a bit to lean down beside him. attention to his position's momentarily shattered when itadori brings their foreheads together, earning a blink of surprise and then a somewhat narrowed gaze. there's a point where 'too familiar' is breached. this is nearing it. even with sex, dabi's not a touchy feely person this way. it skims it, a fish just under the surface, but doesn't breech as itadori instead goes for his ear.]
Gonna take that at surface value...
[such a statement is way past "dangerous" and into the "over the edge" territory. but to some testament of itadori's offer of a comfortable retreat, dabi doesn't outright dismiss it as his instinctive reaction immediately flares up to do. scorch it, kill it, tell him he's stupid for even thinking such a thing. instead, he'll take it as this. a physical retreat from his life. a place and person he can come to free of his normal baggage. apparently that also comes dealing with itadori's clingyness, but that's not too high a price. he can tolerate it. in exchange, he'll simply offer the same. a place where the sorcerer doesn't have to hold all of his baggage for a little while. that's as comfortable a trade as dabi's willing to make right now. itadori's welcome to fall deeper over the edge, but he won't.
never get attached to someone else. especially not like this... not that the villain has the capacity for those feelings anymore. but he'll at least give itadori that acceptance.
strength and pressure quickly topple him and dabi swings an arm back instinctively, bracing on the bed before his elbow buckles and he drops down onto it with a soft grunt. relax. the beds here have been through worse. sometimes quirks get involved in sex and that can really fuck up the supporting furniture. dabi settles onto his back, one arm draped across his chest, the other one lying at his side.
really? itadori's making a big deal about that? like a carnival game. this kid has too much fun with life. instead of answering, dabi merely kicks the sheets and blanket up from the bottom of the bed and drags them up. despite his resistance to cold, he's never been comfortable sleeping uncovered when he's not wearing his clothes. brings back bad sensations.]
Ya know both of those can be individual decisions. [aka: neither needs to decide to tolerate the other's preference. right before clicking off the light beside the bed.] Light or dark doesn't bother me.
[considering his quirk and all.]
no subject
Date: 9/29/21 21:16 (UTC)the stiff and narrow stare is heard loud and clear. itadori will back off, give him some space, let him breathe. otherwise dabi wouldn't tolerate his advances and drag them back to the stage of caution. or, that man might ghost him completely. now that will be painful; especially after getting so spoiled with their closeness, and given the freedom to be affectionate (even if it's one-sided) with someone. it meant too much for itadori to fuck up. he'll behave for now.
and so, with a knowing smile, he curls up next to the other man, close but not clinging. he's fine with it. itadori is fine with them being here, sharing space, content, and comfortable. ]
I like it dark, with a blanket and a leg sticking out.
[ it's his turn to switch off the light from his side, and like the perfect romantic cliche— the moonlight subtly illuminates the room as it fell into a serene hush. for now, itadori rests on his back, his shoulder touching dabi's, with his head tilt to the side. it's a safe option where he gets some kind of physical contact under their blanket, without smothering the other man. a fair trade between his neediness and dabi's reserve.
he stares at the ceiling, nothing in particular. however, the unwavering smile on his features speaks a lot about how itadori perceived this entire experience. he begins to reflect on this day, from the moment he woke up, to when he joined his classmates, successfully handling a mission, rushing back to the dorms to prepare the meal, meeting with dabi, having his first kiss, his first sexual experience, understanding why he's so infatuated by this man after obsessing about it from the night they met, getting some of his questions answered— and now, he's brought back to this moment. as they relaxed on one bed, under one blanket, with enough trust that he could fall asleep, consoled he's not at risk, nor is dabi.
— to be able to know that he didn't need to be alone. that he could be with someone. all those fears and dreads should no longer paralyze him. to have the freedom to seek the intimacy he craves, a person he could confide in, someone who can reciprocate his feelings. what started as 'never' has made a dramatic twist to 'it might happen!'.
is he allowed to be this happy?
... it's scary. ]
It feels ... weird knowing that I can actually ask someone out now. Well, it's not like people are lining up to date me. But, it feels nice to have an option.
no subject
Date: 9/30/21 02:24 (UTC)in a way... it's frightening, to stare acceptance in the face so readily. those walls of flame come up fast and dabi backs off into the darkness, refusing to allow either of them to move forward any further. it's a warning and both an admission and agreement. as itadori retreats, dabi settles on the bed beside him. might be a sort of unconscious power play here. an understanding that the kid won't push him to far out of fear of being left along, and a similar realization that the villain actually wants this to last a bit longer and so won't burn him.
that smile lingers in the corner of his turquoise eyes even as he shifts them up to the ceiling. it's his presence beside him that he feels. a gentle glow of warmth and the weight of another sharing his bed. thing is, itadori's right; he is comfortable.]
That's specific. [and the obvious solution to the fight between too hot under the covers but too cold with them off.] Over the edge of the bed or in the middle?
[as the room settles into darkness, it's a few seconds before his eyes adjust to the moonlight coming from window. dabi glances towards it. yeah, those curtains are gonna have to be shut before he goes to sleep. not having his face resting unconscious towards an exposed window. later. right now he feels at ease enough to let it stay open, moonlight included. there's no attempt to edge away from the shoulder touching his own, a single point of contact between villain and sorcerer. not going to admit to the subtle attempt his body makes to feel itadori's heartbeat through that contact.
gives him time to think about everything as well. dabi doesn't want to look into this as anything more than two guys meeting and fucking to blow off some steam. some free meals on the side. and yet, it's itadori yuji. which means it's not just that on the other guy's side. a glance over at that smile is enough to tell him that. took a lot of this kid's firsts tonight, from kiss to sex to having a partner no strings attached. what dabi sees as merely a useful thrill is a friendship for itadori. he's probably spent all day excited about it. what dabi gets excited about would horrify itadori and make him cry. they're diametrically opposed so completely, it's fucking insane for them to be together, and yet here they are. which of them is crazy? doesn't know. probably both. it's easier to tell himself this is infatuation, a massive crush on the wrong person, and eventually the kid's gonna wise up and leave. in the meantime... che, fuck it. he'll stick around and see what happens.
admittedly, it's kind of nice to have an escape. someone he doesn't have to look over his shoulder at or think about what use he could make over them. no real suspicions about hiding revenge or attempts to supplant or take down. he's just itadori yuji. someone who's happy to be around him.]
Not sure this'd be counted as a date...
no subject
Date: 10/2/21 04:17 (UTC)[ it's not like dabi can 'see' anything, but he can certainly feel the shifts under the thick fabric, as itadori pushed his leg out. it wasn't really dangling over the brim, but close to it. the perfect balance in his opinion.
for the sake of keeping a blind eye to dabi's criminal, murderous activities— the mundane question of 'how was your day?' is not an option in their case. he will hear the grim details, and it will only trigger a squabble, make this night end on a bad note— therefore, itadori will try his best to avoid that. he deserves one fucking good day, and he'll grab into it with his teeth and nails. now that he thinks about it, dabi had a perk that made their relationship work. that man didn't have the desire to gloat about his wicked sins, often keeping it to himself. while the kid likes to pretend he's doing it for his welfare, it was more of dabi's psyche. for someone who's carrying a heavy load of resentment, he's oddly chill. it's probably why itadori, and some individuals in the league, are encouraged to call him their friend. ]
It's not. I mean ... I wouldn't tell my date I'm 'using them'. It kinda kills the vibe of making it romantic, you know? Then again, we've done some ... very date-ish things?
[ — for two strangers choosing to have casual sex, with no emotional connection, they might've crossed a few lines. itadori rolled his eyes to the side, sneaking a peek at the other man as he ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it back and slick. the mild confusion with his answer is evident, from the way itadori furrowed his brows, pressed his lips together, eyes narrowed and seemingly lacking certainty. itadori didn't go far in his hunt for a justification; way too tired, instead sighing and returning his attention toward the other man.
god, the way itadori is looking at him ... like he's begging for something, yet he's conscious he's not allowed to. forbidden! it's like a child standing outside a candy store, face glued against the window, in total agony. this screams pathetic, but the sorcerer couldn't give a fuck anymore. ]
Okay, I will let you sleep at peace tonight. I promise. But, can we cuddle next time? Isn't that what people do when they share a bed?
[ maybe if he warned dabi in advance, he wouldn't be so opposed to the idea in the future. it allows him time to be mentally prepared, which diminishes the chance of getting rejected. heh, maybe he's not so stupid after all! ]
no subject
Date: 10/2/21 22:33 (UTC)yeah no, he'll just keep the sheets around his ribs for now.
dabi's not expecting itadori to ask about his "day" or his "life" since they already decided not to bring those topics into their meetings. one out of secrecy over a life unrevealed to the villain, and one out of caution over the activities the sorcerer would be against hearing and at risk of knowing. dabi isn't one to garrulously spill about his criminal ways, at least not to most people, and usually never for no reason. he likes to save that kind of shit for battles or dangerous situations where he needs to by time or intimidate others. itadori doesn't fall into that category. plus he's already made it clear he doesn't approve. no point in getting into an argument. but it does limit their conversation topics... what to speak about when their normal lives are shuttered by the lives themselves? likely something more off topic. preferences and thoughts about random shit. small talk that means nothing more than finding commonality between two different people.
odd thing is, dabi finds himself actually wanting to perhaps indulge in some of that with itadori. it irritates him because he normally couldn't give a shit. and yet here he is, talking about what temperature is best in bed. there's something about the sorcerer that's... comfortable. he's not someone dabi would ever admit to caring about whether he lived or died, but apparently he does take some solace in knowing itadori's alive. at least alive enough he can look forward to meeting him another time. can't say he's really ever felt that about someone else. someone he isn't planning on being villainous towards.]
Depends on how ya define a date. Two people goin out an doin' somethin they both enjoy doing? Could be a date. [no matter if the "something" is watching a movie or blowing up a convenience store.] Wouldn't call this one. It's just an extended meetin, dinner an' a fuck included.
[a little smirk and a "heh" pop off at the end of that. dabi didn't do "emotional" connections, since that moved too much into the "feelings" he doesn't have. what itadori holds towards him is the other guy's own burden. he knows not to expect much, if any, on the return outside of a surface-level curiosity and interest. still... that does beg the question why he's staying here to sleep beside him when he would've long-since left someone else and the door behind him.
eyes fall on him again and dabi glances to the side to catch the sorcerer's face in the faint moonlight. confusion and frustration in his voice isn't hard to hear, but seeing it on his face reminds him itadori's still just off the cusp of adulthood. contrary to the expressive display on his partner's face, dabi's remains a complete blank, eyes somewhat lidded, brows resting neutral, lips together despite his scarred slicing across his stapled cheeks making him reminiscent of a glasgow smile. can't give him certainty or justification beyond simply wanting to do something and going for it. to hell with the results.
so why is itadori looking at him like a begging child outside a store window? it is pretty pathetic, but hey, if dabi's going to encourage the guy to be free with his desires, then isn't he setting himself up for this kind of crap? who knows what sort of repressed wants itadori's been harboring under that pink hair of his.]
Huh?
[the villain's mouth cracks open a bit in a slight twist of confusion, brows angling in the same. that's what he's wanting? to be clingy?]
Ya ain't gonna turn into some kinda octopus while I'm sleepin are ya?
[granted, considering dabi's main concept of "being together" is his parents, the idea of cuddling in bed is a relatively alien concept in his head. do people really have to touch while they're sleeping to feel comfortable or something? granted, he appreciates the warning, but he's not sure he's the kind of person who's right for cuddling. which is still playing out almost like a failed wrestling match in his head. a far cry from what itadori's thinking about.]
Or do ya mean... uh... fuck, what kind are ya talkin about?
no subject
Date: 10/3/21 18:23 (UTC)[ just a meeting, dinner, and a fuck. itadori didn't object, even when he was side-eyeing the other man the whole time, taking in that smirk and the unspoken words behind it. if this is how dabi has chosen to interpret tonight's events, then he wouldn't ruin it by fighting him for what he truly believes happened. it wasn't a casual fuck. the villain didn't indulge his urges and then left the kid behind in his mess. he was attentive when he didn't need to be. patient when no one asked for it. he understood what this fucking night meant for itadori. in the best way his revenge-craved mind could, within what little compassion he had left in him, dabi made it special for him. how the hell is this a casual fuck? impassive? and he's still here. with itadori. he's still accommodating to him, tolerating this clingy kid and allowing him to end this night, his special night, on a good note. there is an effort, there is acceptance—
it's easy to get heated at how he's steadfast in downgrading his influence on the sorcerer. dabi refused to give power to the one thing that made itadori feel he's fated to die a lonely, miserable death. he's angry because— that man didn't know how much this moment had shaken him. this might be a silly conclusion for some, to be put on a high standard as being saved, while all he got is a sexual experience with a murderer. itadori didn't care about the circumstances. it is what it is. this night is everything he ever needed, and it pissed him off that dabi couldn't see it.
it was hard to swallow it all in, but he did. precious, yet fragile— is his time with this man. ]
... for real? It's that confusing to you?
[ itadori raised an eyebrow, he then rolled over, leaning on dabi's side as he regarded him closer. a slow blink, and with a quiet 'ah!', he realized this is serious. he's not messing with him. ]
I'm talking about holding you as we sleep. No, not like an octopus. I don't want to suffocate you. It's ... uh, it will feel good. For both of us. You will feel ... safe.
[ because, let's be honest, when they're out there— it's never safe. you're always on edge, moving, running, fighting, obsessing, tired, fucking exhausted, out of breath, and then ... return 'home' to an empty bed only to stay up for hours because your thoughts are running wild in your isolation. itadori, at least, is not alone. in a sense he had friends who care about him, who try to protect and support him in his journey. dabi is on another threshold, stubborn and committed to walk through hell on his own; lost all trust and faith in others. he's not even trying. he's done trying. it took itadori back to that smirk, and the pride behind it for denying anyone to presume his actions can be more than emotionless acts; the walls he built around himself seem infinite.
how can he reach him? ]
... Whenever you want.
[ by giving him space. breathe. try again another time. nice and easy. ]
We should try it. I want to be your first in something.
no subject
Date: 10/3/21 21:25 (UTC)he also doesn't want to know what it feels like again... the idea of someone caring about him. a long time ago, touya grew up clinging to the hope that his father's pride in him and his mother's fearful kindness meant some sort of love and care despite the abuse his father put him through. held onto that desperately to get through the suffering loneliness. but after endeavor dismissed him, replaced his existence with two failures and at last a success, after his mother didn't care enough to listen to him... he realized it was all a lie. the "care" he thought they gave him was nothing more than his father's expectations over his usefulness and his mother's fear over her meal ticket being ruined. the betrayal and emptiness gutted him, left him crying to natsuo so many nights, begging his brother to tell him what his purpose was in life because touya couldn't see it anymore. someone had to care about him, right? someone had to see him, Right? RIGHT?!
no... no one did.
he died alone. dragged himself off that burning mountain alone, flesh smoldering and heart blackening inside his charred body. it's how he's existed for years. hating people, acknowledging his existence as being nothing to anyone but himself. the only way he could get attention was to flare up and draw eyes of hatred and disgust on himself. there had been no hero to reach out to help him. no kindness to tell him he'd be okay. those things didn't exist in the world for people like him. they were cursed villains. they made use of each other, consumed each other, lashed out against the people who despised them. existed.
then itadori yuuji showed up.
in one conversation and one night, this random ass kid showed dabi more kindness and consideration, more sincere and true care than he could ever remember receiving from anyone in his entire fucking life (well, in his own jaded and embittered memory). slashing straight through the scars and burns and scorched walls, until dabi was left staring at the very real reality that this young man would, if given the opportunity, really reach him. grasp his hand and hold on tight. remind him of what it felt like to actually recognize someone giving a fucking shit about whether he hurt, lived, or died.
it terrifies him. the reality of being cared about. of attempted rescue and protection.
yeah, he knows what this night means to itadori and the potential behind that knowledge between them. if he's not careful, if he doesn't keep this kid at arms length behind a wall of fire... dabi might actually care about him too. and that's such utter fucking bullshit! does he have any idea just how fucking risky and dangerous that is? those damn feelings he burned out of himself long ago?!
Look at me!
he can't fathom it. so he downgrades his influence on him. he refuses to admit this night's special. he keeps itadori at arm's length. he can't see how he could ever be "important" to someone in that way, because doing so means there's someone who'd mourn for him once he was gone. someone he might actually care about enough not to want to hurt. someone he might actually listen to when it came to stopping. feelings are dangerous because they don't stop. so keep this as nothing. keep this as a sexual experience between some naive sorcerer and a murderous villain. it's safer that way. for both of them. this little moment that dares to suggest there's a hope of some fragile sense to belong...]
Do I look like someone who gets clung to a lot?
[dabi rolls his head to the side and gives him a dry expression as the sorcerer sidled up next to him. watching his face in the stark contrast of shadows and moonlight. most people see the scars and think if they touch him, his damn skin'll flake off onto their hands like torched bark.]
Safe, huh. Hate to break it to ya, but we were safer in that shack.
[at least that shithole didn't have a lit sign out front for "vacancies". still, itadori's only proving once again that he cares about dabi's feelings. "safe" is a gambling word. there are places dabi felt safe enough to sleep and rest. villain hideouts and stuff. but he's kept himself separate from the league enough it's not like he's got "friends" coming into his room at night to check on his slumber, much less sleep in his bed with him. if itadori's going to school, then he's probably got friends who fill that need for him, comforting him and helping him sleep knowing he's safe within the perimeter. they're from different lives, loneliness for one being a horrible burden to bear, while the other cloaks himself in it as the vanguard of safety. itadori clings to people he cares about while dabi's long since given up on people in general and rejects them all.
reaching him takes a lot more than a conversation, a meal, and a night together.]
Hmph... [stubborn guy. giving him his space and all. he's already put up with a lot of this. from staying after the sex to getting a shower with him to agreeing to spend the night in the same bed. itadori's simple that good-hearted of a person.] Why the hell are ya so intent on connectin with me? Ya got ya whole life ahead to find someone who ain't gonna be dead or imprisoned within a year.
[he gets this is... was, a release and freedom for itadori, but now it's developed into more. dabi can see that already. it's strange. as naive as he is, this guy knows not to fall for someone on the first "date", right? he can't be this protective and attached to everyone he first meets.]
no subject
Date: 10/4/21 19:07 (UTC)it's when you don't need to run. when it doesn't hurt anymore. when your thoughts are hushed into a peaceful lull. it's warm; their body is warm against yours. you can finally close your eyes, drop your guard, take a steady inhale. in the end, you're no longer alone. you're happy, content and-
safe.
itadori did a pretty good job in keeping himself together. he really tried to calm down and not to overwhelm dabi and himself with all the fire blazing inside of him. it's young, eager, and belligerent— it didn't want to wait. they don't have the fucking luxury of time. he wants to follow the right steps, give that man the patience he deserves after getting fucked over by the closest people in his life. dabi deserves to have someone putting in the effort to win his trust, not by empty words but by being consistent, and by showing up. be there for him, for as long as he welcomes it. show him you won't grow tired of him, show him he's worth the risk. just show up. be there.
— until he can't anymore. what if itadori ends up as another reason in his book on why he shouldn't waste his time on others? was it fair to beg for a connection only to disappear without any justification? ]
I don't want anyone else.
[ while it's true, that's not what dabi asked. it was a half-assed answer, and itadori knew it. he takes in a quivery breath, glancing up at the ceiling again, idly toying with his fingers against his chest. he will not talk about his situation, only because dabi will just use it as an excuse to discredit him. 'oh, he probably doesn't have enough time to find someone better, so he's settling with a criminal like me.' yeah— that's not happening. this might really get itadori to lose it. ]
I ... don't know what to say. I'm not good at this? I'm not good at explaining myself. I just do it. Because I want to, and it feels right.
[ no matter how hard he tries, he can't fucking stop thinking about what little time they have. dabi could be dead tomorrow, he might end up dead before him. it's a sick race to who gets to be buried first, and he's supposed to be okay with it. he shakes it off, or tried to. he's struggling with it— itadori huffs, closing his eyes; fingers curled up into tight fists now. ]
If the situation was different, and you stopped back then ... I don't think I'd be able to recover. I'd break, and I can't ... break. People need me not to fall apart.
[ he paused, silent, and then— quietly: ]
I was scared. You knew I was scared. You knew I needed some control over my life, even if it's as simple as having sex with a stranger, but you gave it to me. You didn't mock me for it. You knew how important it was to treat me like I'm normal.
[ he is not taking dabi's past away from him, if anything ... itadori knew he could never relate to that type of betrayal, especially when you're just a child crying for your parents. they didn't relate in their pain, but they are in their loneliness. dabi can pretend he's above it all, but it can't possibly be true. he refused to believe anyone can go through this life on their own. it's too cruel. he returns staring at the ceiling, only for a second, before he glanced at the man beside him. ]
Come on. How can I not be attached to you?
no subject
Date: 10/4/21 22:36 (UTC)what the fuck is wrong with this guy?! how can someone meet up with a person so randomly and after so little time, decide that person is the "one" for them? while he certainly doesn't seem like the type, dabi's not exactly an emo thug punk with a brick for a brain. the son of endeavor meant he did more than throw punches and train his quirk. he had an education shoved into his head, learned courses and did studies, had enough knowledge in there to get up in school. which included knowing about relationships, despite his current inability to feel them and disparaging contempt for them.
the notion of "love at first sight" isn't lost on him, unlike his more socially-impaired little brother. not that dabi has much intention of explaining how he has that kind of knowledge. but what he does know is enough to tell him itadori's attraction to him is a god damn moth to a flame, an infatuation that this kid probably barely even recognizes. why the hell is he so set upon this?! his sincerity is alarming and it's the sheer lack of lie or ulterior motive behind that pure confession that makes it all the more damning.
it doesn't make any sense. it clashes with everything dabi's living for right now. there's no place for affection and fondness in a life of hatred and revenge! there's no room for caring about someone else! no care for someone reaching out for him! long since fallen over the edge of that cliff, laughing insanity in the dark amid the burnt corpses, it's utter irrational to look up and see itadori hanging over the edge of that cliff, arm extended as he strains himself to connect to dabi in the dark. fucking insanity to try it.
and yet there he is, saying these kinds of things to him.
the only time he wouldn't need to run is if the villains take over or dabi's left in jail. only time it wouldn't hurt anymore is when he's fucking dead. the only time his thoughts would quiet into that peace is underneath six feet of dirty. shut eyed, guard dropped, breath steady, content with someone and safe...
verdict: impossible.
however, itadori, of all fucking people, gets it. words mean nothing, they're cheap, fake, and untrustworthy. but his actions say so much more. holding promises he's made, showing that eager willingness to learn and care, determined to not let go because he gives a shit, being there for him. even in this short time, dabi's almost convinced he can trust anything this guy says. lying doesn't come to the sorcerer even naturally; he simply doesn't think to lie. so when he says "i don't want anyone else", dabi's left fucking rattled and dealing with a panic he's never had to wrangle before.
without any context, he's left with only itadori's words, unable to use them as an excuse to dismiss his affections and feelings. he's left with only stark honest, fingers curling by his side and silent breath drifting like smoke between his lips. is it telling that among his wandering thoughts and rising agitation is the sudden desire to erupt the entire bed into a sea of flames? because this guy's managing to peel through a tiny part of that blackened crust over his heart and poke some of the agonizing raw flesh that remains deep inside.
protect me from what i want. but which of them is that speaking of and which of them is it spoken to?}
Because it feels right...
{again, it's words like that dabi actually respects. itadori's giving no excuse, not trying to rationalize his thoughts with feelings or drives. he simply wants to. on the one hand, impressive. on the other hand, pathetic. a sliver inside him wants to grab it and hold on selfishly. this is one person in the entire world who'd actually care about him. he could experience something his life had always denied him. but is it crueler to accept itadori's feelings, only to wind up dead or imprisoned and rip his heart out of his chest because of it? or reject him completely and get the heart ripping out of the way before itadori winds up hurting himself even worse...
and why the fuck is he even having these feelings? why the hell should he care what this kid's doing? this is a no-strings-attached activity of mutual using each other for their own gains.}
This ain't the smartest choice to make if ya got people countin on ya. {again, dabi feels it necessary to remind itadori of what he's getting himself into. if he wants to plunge in headlong without looking, that's his choice. but consequences don't vanish into nothing.} Why the hell would I stop? Already told ya I ain't scared of whatever you've got goin on.
{he thinks the kid's giving him more credit and thought into his choices than's due, but whatever. let him think so highly of him. it's kinda nice to have that for a chance. some of what he says is true, even if dabi made those decisions out of a "fuck it, blow some time" mindset. but treating itadori like he's normal... yeah, that's one of the nail-on-the-head points.}
Wow. Makin me out to be a fucking saint. {his tone's amused in a sardonic way, but at least he's not rolling over and showing his back to him.} Don't think anyone's "normal" in this life. We're all fucked up one way or another.
{yeah, leave it to the villain to choose "fucked up" rather than "unique" or "special" like other people would use. because he is alone. even with the league, he's not one of the cuddly members. still keeps to himself, still sees them as useful rather than friends, still holds his own machinations and goals as far more valuable than their stupid lives. he truly doesn't give a shit about shigaraki, all for one's plans, or any of that crap. so long as "that crap" remains a vehicle he can hitch a ride on and use to ram endeavor to despair and death, he'll grab on and hang out the fucking window with a grin on his face. (and then puke if the driver's a piece of shit cause he gets carsick easily.)
dabi finds he can't really answer the rhetorical question tossed at him. telling itadori not to be attached to him, or attracted to him, is about as useful as telling a train to stop coming towards you. if he's not going to get out of the damn way, well...}
Just remember to careful, Itadori. {sheets shift and the villain leans over, one hand swinging around to reach over the other boy's head, catch him at the back of the crown, and then pull him forward until he could catch his lips with his own. there's something almost possessive about this kiss, and his lips are hot, probably enough to make itadori's nerves question if this is safe. the kiss breaks easily.} If ya play with fire too much, ya gonna get burned.
{but even with that said, there's a silent acceptance in the air. if itadori wants to cling to him (and that includes physically), then that's his choice. so long as he understands this is a dumb choice, it's a dangerous choice, and it's potentially damning.}
no subject
Date: 10/5/21 18:27 (UTC)itadori simply nods, like the fucking coward he is, and allows dabi to continue living under the shadows of the unknown. sure, he didn't lie, but he's also not giving that man, the one he's committed to protecting, the chance to understand what he's dealing with. how is he begging for trust when he's not doing his part of the deal? why is he so intimidated of telling him? is he scared that he's breaking a rule of secrecy, or ... because dabi might be like 'fuck this' and leave him?
those words are empty in his ears. the villain didn't need to fear the king of curses— it wouldn't change the outcome, though. itadori didn't fear him either; it's his actions, his strength, insane power, and sadistic cruelty that humbled itadori down to his knees. he has seen what sukuna can do. he can feel his animosity. it's so intense, like a constant fever simmering inside of him. an endless hell. dabi is not weak, his quirk is anything but fragile. the question is: is he stronger? can his flames outshine sukuna's? who will get turned into ashes first? who will end up standing and laughing at their new earned freedom?
the tingle in their kiss, the scorching heat of dabi's lips against his own didn't repel him. itadori leans into it instead, sighing softly as his fingers cradle the other man's cheek; skin equally hot against his touch. he didn't even flinch; he'd take that bite without any grievances. keeping their closeness, foreheads pressed together, eyes barely open. itadori seemed in such a bliss, almost as if he's dismissive, but that's not the case. he took it to heart, and he plans to be careful— not in the way dabi is directing. ]
You keep saying I'm making a mistake. I'm being stupid. This won't end well ... why do you want me to act like the society you hate so much?
[ itadori attempts to ease his now slightly swollen lips by running his tongue over them; canted his head back a bit as he forced dabi to tilt his chin upward, eye to eye. his own expression relaxed, now staring— praising dabi's rough features under the dim lighting. even with all those distractions, this man is undeniably good-looking. his little brother might be the golden prince, the epitome of a 'pretty boy', but the oldest todoroki hasn't lost his shine; even when the skin is fighting to hold on to his flesh. ]
This society will call me a fool. They will ask: why would a good kid end up with someone like you? They will say you're not worth saving. Lock him up. Kill him. I'm not defending your actions, Dabi. You have killed people. You're dangerous— but no one wants to think about how you needed protecting too.
[ a pause, hesitant- ]
If I'm honest, I was like them. I started doubting it when I've seen the 'bad guy' in my society spend the last few seconds of his life crying for his brother. I've been told 'they don't feel anything', yet I've seen them in pain, in tears, scared, and very much ... human.
[ he lets go of his chin, and that same hand pressed flat against dabi's lower back under the blanket; it brushed lower and over the curve of his ass, then down to his thigh. his fingertips knead on the soft, healthy skin as he closed his eyes. kinda like his own personal stress ball, huh. his own body feels heavy, and itadori is unsure whether it's due to his exhaustion or the weight of their conversation. they're not really 'cuddling', but they are in each other's space— close and cozy; his voice is barely above a whisper. ]
You're too warm. Please don't burn down the bed. I'm too tired to find another motel right now ...
no subject
Date: 10/6/21 01:34 (UTC)itadori's willingness to meet him and, as of yet, lack of breaking any promise or attempt at stopping him are the more important vouches for his acceptance. information on his life and issues can come later. dabi does know, however, that whatever it is itadori's feared ruining his attempts to sleep with someone isn't something he's going to write off either. there's a danger here and he'd best keep that in mind as much as itadori recognizes he's sleeping with a mass murderer. (little does dabi know he's doing the same.) but would he actually contend with it were it to emerge? not sure...
of course he'll defend himself if itadori attacks him, regardless of who or what is looking out of those eyes. he's made that clear in the past. without knowing of his potential opponent, he keeps self assurance with his quirk's range and scope.
for the meta record, dabi's flames burn hotter than 3600 F, while steel melts around 2600 F and lava runs around 2000 F, so pick your hell. though knowing sukuna's speed and range, it'd be first strike versus surprise attack = winner. until the curse regenerates.dabi's seen shigaraki disintegrate half a fucking city, along with the people inside; he's ridden on the back of a monstrosity of a giant charging through one city after another, leaving the slaughtered and destruction in its wake, and laughed about it because it was an awesome ride. yeah, he's got better things to do than fight with not!itadori. (might tell him off though? cause he's a dick himself.)no real reason to threaten a burn with the kiss, asides from reminding the other guy what he's dealing with. maybe to make a semi-unconscious point about the danger he possesses. but as expected, itadori doesn't back away from it or retreat. instead, he leans int it, accepts the heat, even touches his cheek with that tender tactile sensation of his. breaking their lips again, he complies with that ironically-tender motion of forehead to forehead, eyes watching itadori from beneath his hooded lids. guy looks like he's so fucking zoned in good feelings right now... when's the last time anyone ever was in such a state because of him?
why indeed...]
Cuz I ain't worth ya losin ya life over.
[without knowing itadori's life, dabi simply assumes it to be better than the majority of villains scraping by a living on their own. he's in a school with friends, he's dealing with some stuff, but it's not something the villain sees as weighty enough to choose this as his method of going out. even if he did want itadori to act like the rest of society, he knows now this kid won't act that way. he's too nice, too kind, too stupid. he tries to see what's good in people and he fights for his opinions whether they're right or wrong. honest and loyal, someone who could really make a difference in the world if only there had been more people like him when it was shaping itself.
someone like that didn't deserve to die in an improper way like going down with a mass murdering villain who didn't care whether people lived or died.
he lifts his head when itadori pushes up on their foreheads, watching him with the same sort of dour gaze a walking corpse would have. he's already prepped for what's going to happen to him, makes no secret his expectations of his future. so why did itadori think it'd be cool to go with him on this path? knowing he's going to kill, knowing he has no reason to stop, knowing that if things are found out, he's going to be looked at like a madman, or worse, an accomplice for not stopping dabi when he had the chance.
turquoise eyes wander over itadori's visage, taking in the sight of his face and his expression. young, but there's more to him than his naivety. even with that, the scar between his eyes and on his lip, as well as the look that lurks behind the surface amazement and childishness of his eyes speaks of a growing maturity and understanding within him. which again only confuses dabi even more as to why he'd make such a damning choice as him. he knows nothing about itadori, save for his grandfather died in a hospital a while ago. hasn't bothered going after anything else in the meantime. so something with that school he goes to then...
at the very least, dabi's not lost his sense of physical detail. itadori is attractive.]
How I need protecting? [he sounds somewhat caught off guard by that. is it the wrong thing to say? the right? maybe both. instantly it digs into the coals and throws them into the flames. talking to him about needing some damn protection.] Ya pretty fucking late on that.
[no one one's ever "protected" him. his mother only half-heartedly tried to keep endeavor from beating touya senseless. she never truly intervened when he was struggling against the burns on his body. and his father's only recourse for getting touya to stop training, to stop the fires he'd lit under his son and never bothered to teach him how to turn off, was only a callous dismissal of his failure and angrily berating him on his stupidity for continuing to train, which merely led to more abuse on his mother for letting touya out of her sight. neither of them cared enough to protect him, neither him nor the rest of his siblings. no hero came to protect them from that painful life of neglect and worthlessness. no friends came to offer their hand. and when touya died and dabi returned, the city did nothing but curse as another villain skulked into the darkness.
now itadori's here, talking about protecting him, when dabi's ready and willing to burn down the world with himself as the fucking match.
I've seen them in pain, scared, and very much ... human.
it's impossible to miss. the anger in dabi's narrowed eyes flickers like a fire suddenly blown in a wind, his gaze widening some in surprise. there've been times when he thinks to himself, this guy actually understands, while talking with itadori. someone who sees past the villain and into the person behind their actions and looks. while it's too late for dabi, the sheer reality that itadori's seeing him as a human and not some mass murdering monster, even though he is, not to mention treating him like one...
for several seconds, he's silent, no angry, not spiteful, but sincerely stunned. until finally.]
World'd be a lot different if more people were like you...
[there's a depth in his tone that admits to a wistful regret, rueful in understanding the patheticness of the world that can't have but only a handful of shining gems like itadori. perhaps if someone like itadori had been there... had reached out for any one of the league... shigaraki, dabi, touga, twice... they never would've been here. so many villains could've had their presents completely changed, if not entirely erased... but it's too late. the damage is done. the fires crawl back in and set up on the pyre he's built, returning into a hellish blue flare all over again. revenge can't be pushed away with a few nice words. there's too much poison, rooted too far within. too late.]
I ain't gonna burn ya up.
[said as the temperature lowers and everything goes back to simply being the normal warmth. a hand resting on his thigh, cupping at the unburnt skin there. dabi regards itadori for a little while longer before leaning forward and resting an arm around the other man's body. even if he is too late to change anything, perhaps it won't be horrible to go to the grave or the prison at least knowing one person in the world gave a shit about him.]
Ya fuckin crazy... but guess ya all right, Itadori.
no subject
Date: 10/6/21 18:29 (UTC)itadori had been confident with his hands so far, too greedy and cocky in claiming dabi's body until he was faced with a warning for his unearned privilege. but, this? no, it's impossible not to fall for that bait. he takes in a breath; let his calloused fingertips feel upwards along the curve of dabi's lean body, so gentle. and then, with some pressure, he smoothed a full-palm touch against his back shoulder; they flex, pulling their bodies against each other— he ends up hiding his face against the curve of dabi's neck as he held into him. it was such a ... desperate embrace. as if he's reuniting with an old friend or a loved one. it felt familiar, as if they've done it before ... a long time ago.
he basks in the sedating warmth, eyes closed, his own back hunched— those fingers against the other man's back slowly curl up, balling into a fist. his breath is hot against dabi's skin; it stutters with every exhale. a moment later, it becomes clear. it's written all over his body language, and from the way he attached himself against the other. it wasn't a lovers' embrace. it's raw fear. vulnerability at its best, like the idiot he is.
weak. so fucking weak.
in contrast to dabi's words, and how the world would be less infernal and grim if more people like him are around— itadori is not living up to that compelling statement. he really was okay a second ago. why is everything falling apart over a simple little gesture? without any given cautionary too.
okay, deep breath. he got this. he's just a little overwhelmed. no one has ever held him before, not even as a child— or, not that he remembers? his grandfather was a good man, not affectionate though. a bit of a sob story, isn't it? never been hugged. dabi had it worse. far worse.
regardless, he should be happy right now, and yet it hurts. maybe because he couldn't fucking block dabi's words earlier; talking about how he's not worth saving, it's too late to protect him, the damage has already been done— the idea of being useless is lodged in him, down to the bone and the core of his soul. it must have been repeated so many times to the point it became touya's reality and the air he breathes; his own grasp of himself within his own family, in society, and on this earth. a failure. until this very second, even as he's willingly walking to his grave as dabi, seeking revenge, leaving blood and ashes behind his every step— there is a small part of him that still believes it. 'not worth saving'. ]
... don't disappear on me.
[ 'I want to save you' — is what itadori desired to say, but it was nothing more than forged promises. one he can't keep, even if he changed dabi's mind, society will not accept him back with open arms. those words will haunt him again- 'you're not worth saving'. it will take a level of strength, the type itadori didn't know if he had it in himself, so how could he ask dabi to do it? he couldn't.
that man had no home.
fuck. it's like someone dropped a heavy weight on his chest, and yet he's seduced by the idea of giving in to his exhaustion. it's mesmerizing, as he huddled under dabi's arm, feeling his steady pulse against his forehead. it's so dark, so warm, as they hid under the blanket, away from this world. their breathing almost matched in its rhythm, he's not alone in his bed back in the dorms, trapped between hollow walls. he's not alone with sukuna. someone is here with him.
it's— safe.
his heavy lids lower, eyes barely open. itadori is intoxicated by it all, his mind dancing over the edge of the unconscious. let it all go and figure it out in the morning, yuji. the original plan was to return to the dorms before sunrise, but fuck it. it won't happen. if he ends up waking up to a deserted bed; he wouldn't be mad. dabi has given him more than he could ever ask for. a night he will never forget.
why did it have to end? ]
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Date: 10/6/21 19:40 (UTC)honestly, dabi's not sure if itadori's the worse fool or if it's himself. even daring to suggest the very idea he might give a shit about this weird kid enough to consider his feelings. but even if he knows full well he could drop itadori without hesitation, there's no denying that this guy actually gets it. the problems with society and the human behind the villain persona. he's a rare person who doesn't see the surface like society blindly drives for, but instead holds fast to his own convictions no matter what other people say. dabi knows even from this short time together, itadori can save people. not everyone, but he can save those close to him.
well... those who want to be saved, that is.
fingers wander along his skin, taking in the glide of his healthy covering and tracing the scarred flesh along a street-worn frame. ironically, most of his shoulder blades were still left clean from touya's demise and he unconsciously rolls his back up into itadori's calloused touch. a physical fighter from the feeling of those hands... sheets hiss again and he finds himself pressed to the sorcerer, legs hesitating for a moment before slowly risking the initiative to tangle around their ankles. staples scrape against the instep of itadori's foot, but he doesn't stop since the guy's never backed away from his wrecked flesh. dabi leans his head to the side, the crook of it invaded by a pink-haired head as itadori dampens the violet scar tissue with his breath.
why is this embrace so desperate? it's not the cling of a turned-on teenager or even an over-eager kid. it's the dogged grip of a lonely individual. he recognizes it as the same kind touya used to hold onto natsuo with as he cried his eyes out on his shirt and begged for some relief from a meaningless existence. so why, with all his friends and mystery school stuff, does itadori yuuji hold onto a villain like he's the only thing keeping him from a world of pain and suffering?
and yet, despite that undercurrent, there's no denying dabi's presence brings itadori comfort and warmth. the idea he'd bring those emotions to anyone is fucking laughable. except he's not laughing. there's something messed up with this kid and he has no idea what it is. but dabi's been around plenty of messed up people. he's merely curious, not at all afraid or disgusted. the arm resting around itadori's body remains where it is, hand dangling down behind him and fingers occasionally curling to brush spider-like touches across the diamond of his back. where the muscles curve and his spine bends. vulnerable, putting himself in the embrace of a walking crematorium, and finding solace in it. seriously fucked up.
doesn't dissuade him from those words he said. more people could stand to be like itadori. not 100% him, but if they were more willing to listen, to reach, to understand, maybe much of this could be avoided. who knows what would've happened if touya had stumbled off that mountain and yuuji had been there to catch him. it's a stupid thought and there's only a scant few times dabi's ever bothered letting himself think of "what if's" for any period of time. this is one of them.
would it help or hurt itadori to know that when dabi had grabbed onto shouto and tried to burn him to death above their semi-conscious father... that was the first time in his life touya had ever hugged his little brother... it's not the first time someone's ever held or hugged him, but it's the first time someone's done so for this reason. his father never did, his mother only did so out of fear and pity, and natsuo... eventually grew tired of it. why had no one ever hugged itadori? did someone this kind and cheerful really go through life without affection? that's kind of pathetic. but perhaps that's what makes it so easy for him to offer it to others. to try and ensure no one who crosses his path lives without at least some kind of affection. even if from a strange high schooler. some guy who wants to protect.}
Ain't makin that promise.
{it's a stupid promise to even ask for. itadori knows well enough dabi could die any day. or get caught and arrested. whether he dies during his fight with endeavor and against society or vanishes forever into the bowels of tartarus, there's no way he can promise not to disappear. somehow, he doesn't think itadori can make such a promise either. he's not going to give him little feel-good platitudes. fire doesn't comfort when you hold it close; fire burns.}
But I ain't gonna die until I'm done.
{something for him to hold onto. the knowledge that dabi's stubbornly going to keep his life whatever way he can no matter what it costs others (for him) until he can realize his ambitions. his father was the one who imparted that knowledge and drive into him; the art of sacrificing everyone and everything else for your own selfish path. who knows, maybe insanity's genetic. either way, itadori can at least hold that scorching knowledge as his promise. maybe it'll keep him warm at night.
tired as he is, dabi's not planning on sleeping yet. he'll finally fall under once itadori's drifted off to slumber. but it is comfortable here in his embrace. the rhythm of his breath on his neck, the beat of his heart against his chest, the constant undulating reminder this guy's alive and wants him here with him. ironic, but not exactly unwanted now. while he's by no means let itadori inside, at least the sorcerer is no longer across the street. he can stay in the foyer for now.
there's a lot to think about later. not tonight. tonight he'll accept a rare moment to rest beside someone who cares. let the world around them drift away. forget everything else except itadori and the strange feelings he brings. who knows who'll wake before the other, but dabi won't leave without him. if only for the dinner and sex, the kid's earned that much. even if things have to end tonight with the morning sun, at least he can admit he wouldn't mind a repeat. hell, already agreed to it.
itadori yuji, huh... what a cursed hero.}