[he's felt more eyes on him than he cares to count. more stares gawking at him than he wants to know. most of them in horror or shock, some in pity and disgust, a few in curiosity or interest. itadori's eye are one of the rare ones where he can actually feel... more than that. dabi's not sure he likes it. probably because he does like it. his single gaze isn't exactly dragging itself away from the kid's face either, noting the hang of his lashes and the red over his cheeks as an invisible breath puffs hot between glistening lips. looks... fucked. in the good way. exhausted and satiated, hair sticking to his forehead, spiked like dabi's but shorter with more spines.
uhn... that's a weird feeling. most partners don't let themselves go soft inside. but it kind of fits for itadori's first time. the heat in his body seems to wane a bit, going from a fireplace burn to a candle-soft warm. probably due to the afterglow seeping through him. obviously has nothing at all to do with that hand gently brushing his cheek and reminding him what he feels like to have someone treat him as a human instead of a monster or a thing.]
Yeah...? [leading off with that and trailing instead of finishing prompts a similar response as thumb paints a wet line across the charred purple of his lower lip. wet... oh yeah, the taste of copper makes it way into his mouth even as the realization dawns in itadori's eyes. really? he's looking horrified at a bit of blood when he's seen what he's seen and dabi's lying under him with more than half his flesh scorched to irreparable? psh... what a kid.
he doesn't even bother moving his hand to show him, letting the guy find the crimson stain radiating from the back of his hand on the sheets. there's a slight pain, more a sting from the piercing, but it's not bad. he's obviously endured far worse.]
Forget it. Shit happens plenty during sex.
[bruises, scrapes, bites, sometimes even serious injuries like a broken something or other. thankfully the kid doesn't linger on the issue and start getting teary eyed or offering apologies. the lack of coddling earns a small bump in acceptance. dabi's more noticing the expression on itadori's face, that doofy smirk of his that's too admiring and affectionate a look to be aimed at him. it'd been a good experience for him. the fumbling and mistakes made it memorable, something he wouldn't be able to wash out of his mind with other partners. itadori likely felt far better about it since it was a first.
and then the pull out. dabi grunts softly as itadori tugs free and collapses beside him while the villain works on rescuing his leg from being flopped on and trapped under the kid's hips. gives him some time to stretch his legs out from being hiked and wrapped around the young man's hips for so long. normally he would take a rest, then get up, dressed, and leave, but there've been other times where he adopted other habits. washing off, taking a nap, torching his partner, getting a drink, having a smoke. whatever. depended on the person and the location.
his name's not a surprise and dabi tilts his head enough to slide his eye to the corner of his lids. there's no rush on itadori's face or embarrassment/regret over what he just did. the next part, however, it somewhat surprising. not the first time he's been asked that, or the first time he's accepted. still not something he normally does on a "first time" meeting.]
[ no, it wasn't a sassy comeback; it was itadori's genuine answer. he would like to believe dabi is the type who wouldn't tolerate someone who's tiptoeing around his words and dragging it, coming off as dishonest and fickle. it's the first thought that came across his mind, and it is his first confession without any filter. regardless, the flow of his speech, and the easy smile on his lips promised dabi no obligation. not that the villain would break under peer pressure, far too strong-hearted to be easily influenced by a few sweet words, but he still didn't want to sound so — forceful. even when he is. itadori won't deny it, unbothered if it's not the perception of a hero-wannabe, to be so selfish by making this relationship one-sided. to keep asking more from dabi; more time, more attention, more favors.
'because I want to' — while it's candid, subtle, it's also very covetous. a fine thin line between two extremes.
itadori flexed his arms up, still lightheaded in the bliss of their afterglow. he then shrugged his shoulders, both hands resting on his abdomen; unmindful of their mess. ]
I always ... wanted to know what's it like to share a bed with someone. It might sound silly, but it means a lot to me.
[ another confession. there was also a nagging sense of uncertainty prickling at the back of his head, a reminder not to get too comfortable. itadori didn't have the freedom to wander on his own, seek refuge outside the walls of his school. he shouldn't be here, let alone risk getting caught breaking the rules. that's one, and the other reason, which is more obvious— dabi isn't harmless. to assume he earned his unwavering trust would be foolish. even for itadori.
and yet, he's still ... going to persuade him. as always. ]
[itadori's right in his belief. ironically, it's the kind of comeback dabi can respect. not having some sappy reasoning or excuse that might make for an emotional scene. just a selfish blunt "cause me" and that's it. selfishness isn't bad. someone being willing to be honest like that without hiding or couching their thoughts behind false glossing is more preferable to the bleeding heart. saying something about "needing a friend" or "being lonely" or another variable that suggests pity or aid would've gotten him out of bed and on his way to being out the door. instead, itadori goes the one path that gets the villain to scoff slightly in amusement before he stretches out on the bed, content to stay. those words might've come from a kind smile and the easy sway of the kid's good attitude, but their resolve is fair. itadori "gets" dabi enough. it's surprising and strange, but ultimately not something he finds himself regretting.
after all, isn't that what the villains have often said is one of the main problems? no one bothers to try and understand them. no one wants to spend the time to "get" them, as a person or to their motives. even if the person who's reaching out to him is a kind-hearted idiot who balances the line between selfish and selfless probably without even knowing he's doing it.
dabi's not quite sure how he feels about the proceedings. it's only been a conversation and a few hours. it's definitely not the first time he's slept with someone in their bed. stranger even. but it would be the first time he's slept beside someone who so desperately wants to care about him.]
Yeah.
[there's only the calm agreement rather than a curt dismissal of "do what you want" that would've separated them even in the bed. instead of making it seem like itadori's imposing on him and forcing it, the villain's offering his own acceptance. even admitting a silent want for the same. of course it's a warning to not get comfortable. there's just as much a chance as itadori stabbing him in the night with whatever's behind those claws as there is dabi cremating them both to ash right here on the bed. his flames are so hot, it would only take a second or two. but whether he's doing this because it means a lot to itadori or for some other reason... dabi's trying not to think about that.
[ itadori's breath felt stuck in his throat, too shallow. there's something about that question that caught him off guard, even when it was a typical conversation to get into after what they've done. he turns his head, staring up at the ceiling as he reflects on their first experience together; every second of it. a casual 'felt great!' is an insult— it was so much more. he just needs to find the right words.
he then shifts slowly, moving to sit up on where he's settled. by now all the warmth in his body is subdued, no longer flustered. itadori is sober enough to assure his words are honest, and not speaking out of emotions. ]
For a moment, I wanted to stop ... because it didn't feel like it was my own experience anymore. I thought I had no right to call it 'mine'. So ... I can't express how much I appreciate it when you reassured me that I'm all you see. It's still just you and me.
[ if the events unfolded differently, they wouldn't be sharing a space right now. it might be a simple reason to trigger such a reaction, but how could he not be heartsick after it? the prospect to be intimate with that man was unplanned for, to be able to take the lead, be in control and hold onto it as his own. something that belonged to him— and for it to be taken away would've been so painful after getting a taste of rare independence. itadori couldn't remember the last time he had a voice, or wasn't told what to do and where to go. while he never complained, nor did he find any wrong in the process— it still had an influence on him. a heavy burden on his shoulders; paralyzing.
dabi gave him everything he subtly craved for. reassurance, a warm body, pleasure, safety— acceptance.
he smiled, leaning forward just a little, and let one hand between them glide down, fingertips brushing dabi's hair away from his forehead. he'll apologize for smudging it in blood later. ]
It was special to me. You made it special to me, and it felt ... amazing.
[ he huffed a chuckle. what? he's allowed to share that side of their time together as well. the emotional aspect is covered, and now he will move on to the physical. which itadori felt more at ease covering this side of his answer. ]
You know, I never thought it could get that good? It was insane! Ah, I wish I had more stamina since I wanted to last longer. But it was impossible! You felt too good! And oh, I might have a thing with using my mouth ... I really enjoyed that part ...
[ a pause- ]
Maybe it wasn't the best for you, since you had your share of different partners. So, I'll help you clean up and attend to your wounds. You're still bleeding ...
[dabi's content to tuck his hand behind his head, not minding he's probably getting some mess up there. at least he has the presence of mind to not do that with his bleeding hand, content to leave that lying on the bed where it'd been since getting dropped there. the blood's already starting to clot on the holes and gum a little in the seam between the back of his hand and the sheets it's resting on. really, not the worst injury he's had by a long shot. considering that fucking old man almost broke his god damn neck with that kick...
he only moves his eyes to find itadori as he sits up on the bed, half wondering if he was going to leave or merely wanting to stretch. the afterglow's likely drifted into the comfortable state of feel-good-but-still-moveable. considering the lack of blazing heat on his face, seems the guy's more in control of his emotions now.
listening to the answer is surprising. mostly because of how much it sounds like it means to itadori. for something so simple to dabi as seeing just one person in front of him, it's probably not the same if you've got something or someone else inside. he wonders if it's like hawk's little black bird friend, with that shadowy creature inside him. always someone there... must be a real pain in the ass to never be alone even when you want to be. never knowing if you're the only one everyone else is seeing.
can't just be "you" anymore... not that dabi's ever had the chance to simply be "himself" since he was always forced to see himself the way endeavor wanted him to be. did he ever have his own "self" before? he can't be sure. or perhaps he doesn't want to answer that question now.]
Doesn't matter who tells ya what shit, you choose to be you. Makes every experiences your own.
[perhaps that's easier said than done for someone playing host, but that's what he's going to hold to. this is their conversation, their experience, their time. after all, itadori had warned him about some undefined danger and dabi can now make an educated guess as to what it is. but he's not walked out. because he frankly doesn't give a shit. he's met plenty of people who'd be terrifying in their own right and he's willing to murder them if push came to shove. he agreed to be with itadori despite that risk and doesn't have any reason to abandon that. of course, the guy didn't try to kill him...
but the experience remains itadori's. never once he dabi feel like someone else was in the room with them calling the shots. it was always the same kid, dealing with this new overwhelming pleasure and zoning right out from it. sex is never that beautiful, sensuous thing magazines and books try to display it as. it's hot, messy, intense, and frankly you might not even remember half of it. but their time together, itadori's first time, belonged to itadori. no one else was taking it from him.
but please keep all those really mushy thoughts inside. they'd make him feel really weird because when the fuck has he ever given anyone those kinds of feelings? a failure like him only brought disappointment, usefulness/uselessness, and anger. he didn't even get chummy with his allies in the league. well, maybe some of them he got on with better than others. but none of them would say he made them feel like itadori's silently saying dabi made him feel.
fingers brush at his hair and the villain keeps his partner in his gaze. special, huh. he turns his eyes away from itadori and gazes up at the ceiling.]
First time anyone's told me that.
[he never made his parents feel "special". only ambition, disappointment, pain, and annoyance. even his siblings couldn't understand him or ultimately grew tired of him. hell, the one barely even knew him. no one else in the league would say he made something 'special' by being there.]
It's pretty good. Sometimes can get even better. [the shift to the physical response is an easier topic to settle into. dabi chuffs in amusement.] Ya made it pretty long for someone who doesn't even jerk off. [kind of expected him to explode the second he stuck his prick in.] Ya mouth, huh. Sorry I ain't the kind ya can leave a buncha marks on.
[no hickeys for you, itadori. at least not on the neck and shoulders where most people would instinctively leave them. the little dip back into doubt earns a wry smirk and dabi runs his hand through his hair.]
Don't have best or worsts. But ya were definitely one I ain't forgettin. [which probably says a bit because dabi's the kind to forget a lot of things he has no use for remembering. but at the mention of his hand, he simply lifts his injured hand (breaking the clotting seal on the wound), and looks at it. normally he'd just torch his own hand and cauterize the wound shut to deal with later, but figures doing so would lead to itadori freaking the fuck out and still demanding he treat the injury.] Ain't got no medical kit in here, so unless ya gonna do it over the sink with water, I'm burnin it shut.
[ dabi deserves to hear it, not for the sake of stroking his ego, but more of itadori trying to create some balance in contrast to all the negativity that man heard throughout his entire life. true, dabi is no saint. he is worth condemning, hating, and being feared by society for his past actions. there are consequences for the choices he made, but how can we neglect the key question of 'what went wrong?'. the broadcast begged its viewers to ask this question, even when dabi's objective isn't to seek sympathy; it was more of crushing the trust on heroes. one might say he attained that goal, or maybe it was a miss. it didn't matter to itadori. in the end, he chose to use it as a foundation in understanding that man better.
he is not— malicious? when they coexist outside their ideology, dabi's ambitions and itadori's society, he gets to see someone else entirely. it's not an infamous villain and a murderer. it's just ... dabi. there is more to him than his troubled past and enmity towards heroes. why can't they separate the actions from the person? and with such a fond thought, his following words missed to match. ]
I used to jerk off. I have some experience, you know!
[ why did he even share that out loud? he squints at the other, lowkey blaming him for the slip because he can! his expression eased when dabi confessed that he wouldn't forget about their time together and— really, it's his fault if this kid grew attached to him. for someone who didn't know the art of being bashful and chill, itadori straightened his back with a smug grin on his face. ]
Not so bad for your first time, Itadori Yuji! Not so bad.
[ before dabi could take this moment from him, the sorcerer pushed his weight off the bed, and as soon as his feet touched the ground, he flexed his sore muscles. he stretched his arms forward, held it for a second, before they drop dead to each side with a heavy sigh. if he had a choice, he'd rather curl up against dabi's warmth, nestle under the blanket and surrender to his exhaustion. that sounds so tempting. alas, being covered in dried sweat/blood/cum didn't fit that perfect image. it is fated to ruin the mood at some point.
so, he nods towards the bathroom's door- ] You're right about the medical kit, so let's just rinse out the blood and clean up at the same time.
[ after everything they've done, sharing a shower is pretty timid. ]
[oh he obtained that goal. but apparently endeavor wasn't down for the count. he didn't go fucking far enough. didn't hit him hard enough. that was all right though. the suffering the man's going through, the complete smear of his career is unrecoverable. shattered. some might say he killed endeavor that day. well if he killed endeavor, then so be it. now he'll go for enji todoroki himself. if his family's smart, they'll stay the fuck out of his way. except for shouto. dabi wouldn't mind murdering that perfect little puppet in front of his father's eyes. just to watch him see all his ambitions he poured into touya's replacement go up in flames he'll never be able to achieve. are you proud of me now, father? is this hot enough to make you fucking look at me now? look at me until your eyes boil out! and yet for all of that seething rage and hatred, despite knowing that much about him... itadori's chosen to stay.
stay and say those things about him. it's strange to even hear someone to voice them. that pure desire to know him more and understand, without letting him go diving into his fires to spew vile at him about his father. just some random mystery guy who thinks dabi's a pretty interesting person. not a villain or an insane shit or even an ugly charred monster. he treats him like a human being.
it's a rare experience.]
Wow. Ya so cool now, kid.
[far less mocking and more languid teasing. rubbed him wrong enough he felt the urge to blurt that out huh? amazing. dabi ignores the blaming squint and lifts a shoulder in a dismissive shrug. blame him all you want; you're the one that said it, itadori. the nonchalance, however, falters somewhat when the other guy sits up all straight and preening and... fucking congratulates himself out loud. first you get defensive about your jerking off experience, and now you're awarding yourself?]
I take it back. You're an idiot.
[which yuji has not only confessed to but accepted and carried on with his life. which carried him right off the bed as well. good thing he got those damn pants off him earlier or he probably would've tripped over them and fell. dabi rolls his head to the side, watching in mild interest as itadori stretches, eyes wandering over the built-yet-slender musculature flexing beneath his skin. the dried fluids on him didn't detract much from the sight. hmph... next time, dabi's fucking him into the bed. decided.]
How efficient. [heaving a sign, the villain slips out of bed and stretches his arm over his head, grabbing at his elbow to pull it. legs pull a bit, thanks to being wrapped around itadori's waist for half the fuck. but despite all his scars and staples, he doesn't seem at all bothered to walk the room naked. at first he'd been self-conscious about his scars, hiding away after stumbling off the mountain burning and cooking. but hiding them was impossible, so he left them open casually and wore what he wanted, soon getting used to the reactions they got from other people. worth it.]
Ya ever cleaned a wound before? [right, sharing a shower between them was mild compared to what they'd just done. then again, shower sharing is more intimate than a rough fuck, but whatever. he'll do it. just... might take a few minutes for the water to warm up since this is a dirt cheap motel. unless itadori wants to go for a bath. dabi'll scowl over being a water heater, but will begrudgingly acquiesce if it goes that route.]
[ it's his turn to give a dismissive shrug of his shoulders. itadori had accepted not being the smartest guy in the room, and would often express annoyance when his opponent aims for the head. as if he needed any further incitement to be dumber than he already is. well, at least he won't worry about dabi going for his head, assuming he's not fan of throwing fists to begin with. he'll just— focus on not getting burned alive. yes. ]
I have, but I'm not good at it.
[ at least he's honest?
itadori isn't the type to pay attention to details, and when it comes to treating his own injuries, he's pretty negligent of following the necessary, tedious steps. all that matters is that he stops the bleeding, gives his body no excuse to lose consciousness, and then moves on with his day. when it's the other way around, and he's treating others— it's a different story. ah, the hypocrisy. in dabi's case, the lack of proper tools made it hard to clean those open wounds, make sure they won't get infected before applying the bandages. they will have no choice but to rinse them under the shower, and then scorch them shut.
he watched as the other man switched on the shower; observed as the water came gushing out, the pressure is average, but it's surprisingly clear. itadori half-expected to deal with an odd color, mixed with dirt and gunk— considering the low budget of this motel. as they wait for it to warm up; a few lazy steps brought him closer, arms finding their way around dabi's waist from behind, bodies pressed against each other. itadori kept his gaze on the running water, resting his chin on the man's shoulder as he spoke. ]
... This place is falling apart.
[ not only they can see the old age of the building from the poor structure of the bathroom walls, but it's also evident they haven't cleaned it after the previous guests. then again, he won't bitch about it. if it's the only place dabi felt safe in, where no one would recognize him, it's good enough. he leans his head against dabi's as he held him, eyes closed. itadori didn't let him go, not until the steam started fogging the small space, and that's when he finally relaxed his arms; reaching out to adjust the temperature before he, carefully, stepped under the warm flow.
there is barely room for another person here, but— whatever. ]
I have a feeling we gonna' run out of hot water soon ...
[dabi has been a little surprised at itadori's lack of smarts and common sense? this guy, as far as he's managed to suss out from hints and shit, is doing something academically. but with his show of intellect, or somewhat lack thereof, it makes him wonder what kind of school. obviously one where itadori can excel even without being the smart kid in class. but he's right in dabi's preference for non-physical. he's pretty weak in his own opinion, thanks to inheriting his mother's pathetic genes. itadori could take him out in one hit if he got in close enough. probably wouldn't even have to get to half his strength.]
Don't worry about it.
[he can patch himself up without a problem. he's always taken care of himself after the mountain fire. treating his own burns, cleaning his own wounds, stapling his own flesh, occasionally burning himself on purpose if it was needed. not that he'll be showcasing any of that since there's no first aid kit to be had. at least they can wash off and he can cauterize it. (though he is mentally checking the rest of his body for any other cuts. there's gonna be bruises on his hips at least. itadori's got a singed hand.) sex without any kind of ache isn't common if you're just going to blow off steam. least the kid can go home with some mark of pride rather than feeling glum about only leaving the on dabi.
hmph... maybe he should bite him before he leaves.
the shower knobs are cold under his hands, the old plus-shaped metal knobs giving away the age of this place's setup. hell, even when they're knocked off, seems like the motel goes out of its way to replace them with crummy cheap shit. well, keeps the cost down. or they simply like the atmosphere. easy to abandon if need be. water spurts and coughs from the shower head a few times as the temperature changes and the hot water heater kicks in. luckily they escape from getting a bunch of dark water on their faces.
arms find their way around his waist and dabi turns to look at itadori from his shoulder. that's not exactly a sensation he's felt... ever. it's quickly muted by a strong body pressing up against his own, but the feeling remains. it's not some reach around jerk off or even a sex-laded drag backwards. an embrace. when's the last time he had someone simply put their arms around him for the sake of holding him and nothing more? those sensations are quietly shocking enough that he doesn't answer right away.]
... With the company they keep, ain't surprised.
[it's less they don't recognize people and more they don't care to remember or know. at least the shower's not a blood-splattered mess when they get there. when itadori leans his head against his own, dabi tilts his head to the side with a small frown. not that he can go too far is the sorcerer chases his head cause he's a stubborn idiot. bleh... don't get all nuzzly with him. he's not a cuddler at first. but in compromise, he's not shaking the guy's arms off his waist. with the shower hot enough, dabi steps to the side, letting itadori get in first to have a few moments to rinse off by himself. then gets in---squeezes in---with him. he's a bit more of a mess than itadori, but doesn't seem to mind the close proximity as he starts rinsing off.]
It's fine.
[he can at least warm the area up in spite of the colder water.]
[ he wouldn't be surprised if dabi decided to elbow his gut, very much aware this isn't something he would encourage. it's evident by now, regardless of itadori's good intent, he is also greedy. one might say a bit pushy as well, but never forceful. it's true there's something about the other man's attention that's almost addictive, captivating— it beckoned itadori in, giving him a false sense of entitlement. he should be careful about that.
it's a tad cramped, making it hard for them to avoid each other's eyes. it wasn't awkward, oddly so, itadori found comfort in their silence as they cleaned up. he didn't reach for the bar of soap yet, instead settling on caressing his hands under the stream; rinsing them. he wasn't even aware on when his gaze started to drift lower, tipping his head with a subtle frown when those blemishes on dabi's hips caught his attention. let's add another note: be careful with your strength next time.
— next time? ah, he wondered if that's possible under their circumstances. they were merely lucky tonight. ]
I think we should talk about boundaries. [ he finally broke the peace. ] I think we both agree on keeping our own affairs private. It's a pretty easy agreement to make since we don't clash.
[ this triggered a random thought in the back of his mind, something he'd been considering for a while. he had a feeling the hero society might be aware of jujutsu sorcerers since the japanese government is involved. it's a wild guess, from a kid who didn't have the brains to defend his theory. he just assumed the government wouldn't gamble on keeping the heroes, which is another significant asset to them and their security, oblivious by other threats within the community, right? would that mean some villains are aware of it too?
for now, he didn't need to repeat himself and express his opinion of dabi's part in the hero/villain friction. or, remind him that he— wish to be blinded of it. itadori felt like a coward to act this way, pay no attention towards a man who is motivated to ruin many lives, spread fear and animosity. it won't be easy, yet it's a promise he plans to keep. ]
I'll ask for one thing. Give me a heads-up if you choose to stop seeing me. Don't disappear.
[ was it a cruel judgment to make of dabi? that man spent most of his life on the run, leaving people behind who are deemed useless, and just because he was kind to itadori tonight— it didn't mean he wouldn't be treated the same. as someone expendable once the curiosity lost its spark. itadori is not here to entertain, carry a show for the sake of keeping dabi interested. all he can offer is a warm meal, friendly company, and lend an ear. pretty mundane things. not dabi's type.
with the bar of soap squished between his hands, he lathers them up; his mouth quirks. ]
Let me guess your boundaries. No fluffy feelings, right?
[attraction. it's been... never, since he's felt that from someone else. not the physical attraction that reaches for a jaw or well-shaped eyes or even the sculpture of muscle. but attraction towards the whole. itadori's attracted to him. his attitude, his presence, his looks, his ability to be removed from whatever the kid's life is dragging him through. kind of a rush to know he's capable of giving someone relief like that without torching them out of existence.
maybe... maybe he doesn't mind it so much at the moment. itadori's never demanded or pushed too hard. the entire interaction has been positive. thus, he gets away with his arms around dabi and those more intimate motions. for the most part. he's not stopping the touches to his hands, letting itadori turn them over in his hand, clean between his fingers, inspect the damage, even as they stand more or less pressed together under the water running out of the shower head. it's not hard to feel his eyes wandering down his body, looking at the mixture of clean skin and scars.
dabi takes a few of those silent moments to look at---really look at---itadori's face. his eyes, the scars, the emotions that rest behind them. for all his light-heartedness, he carries a huge weight inside him. enough he reaches out to strangers for some sense of relief from it. likely the very core of reason behind his desire for dabi not to get involved. hn... easy enough. he doesn't have time or attention for itadori's realm's problems. got enough here. speaking of.]
That's been the agreement since the start.
[dabi's not told itadori about anything he hasn't seen on the news or in the video. and similarly, despite the occasional prod, dabi's not learned anything about itadori's whatever. which is fine for the most part. he really doesn't like people knowing something he doesn't, especially when those things might involve plans behind the scenes. but he's compromised silently and respected itadori's request not to pry for the sake of not poisoning their time together with their private affairs' shit. it's only the potential clash that might happen that keeps a wary person like dabi curious.
if there are other villains aware of the jujustu sorcerers, that information's been kept at a very close guarded secret. so far no one in dabi's section has heard of it, despite the league joining with the liberation front. perhaps all for one knows about it, because he's all for one, the once king of the underworld. but so far, nothing. it's likely kept to an as-needed basis for the heroes. after all, who really would care if a villain got crunched to death by a curse in the alleyway? at the same time, it's the villains who would likely be the ones causing and generating much of those negative emotions.
perhaps it's for the best. there are many of those downtrodden by society who---if made aware of curses and jujutsu sorcerers---would eagerly jump towards becoming curse users, if not wouldn't sit down and instantly start cranking out so much hate and despair so as to create more misery and attack the heroes with this new power. then again... how many already superpowered heroes wouldn't adopt into the jujutsu sorcerers power and skills and seek to ally to fight the new enemy. they are heroes after all.
it's not cowardice so much as choosing the devil he knew over the devil he didn't. dabi hasn't looked down on itadori for not speaking to him about it. of course, if he tried to interfere with the villain's path, they would clash. perhaps he might not want to kill itadori as callously as he would have before, but... ultimately, revenge is far more important to dabi than a fuck and a friend.]
Not really smart of me to contact ya if I'm plannin on disappearin. [wasn't a cruel judgement at all. it was accurate. he's dropped more important people for less even faster. and normally he kills people he has no intention of seeing again. burning off the loose ends.] But I'll give ya a heads up.
[if only for the meal and the sex. as suds lather up between itadori's fingers and dabi thinks over his own boundaries, he ultimately reaches up and adds his hands to the other guy's hands, letting him work lather over them as well. the water's not coming fast enough, so a mutual soaping won't be a problem. as for himself... dabi gives itadori a flat look at the comment and takes over running the suds along his shoulders and neck. staying in the shower for a long time isn't a preference. it... does things to his scarred flesh that make it kind of gross. still... he does kind of want to stick around in here with itadori for a while, so it might be worth the result.]
Ya can get all the fluffy feelins ya want. Jus' don't expect me to mirror them.
[fluffy is not a word used to describe dabi. and it's a joke if itadori's suggesting he'd be able to curb his own feelings while being with dabi. kid's gonna be fluffy no matter what dabi says to him. so why waste the time fighting that losing battle?]
I laid out my boundaries already. If ya wanna meet, we'll set it up right before. No 24 hr or longer plans. We meet alone, but I ain't settin a time limit once we're together. [that can stay flexible. whether it's an hour or they end ups doing a sleepover, whatever.] Only other thing is don't expect me to be on call for ya. I ain't pickin up the phone if I'm busy.
[ 'it's not cowardice so much as choosing the devil he knew over the devil he didn't.' this. this right here— is why he's already attached. dabi gets him without spoken words. within their silence, he understood itadori's dreads, didn't mock him for it. in dabi's nonchalant behavior, it had less bite into it and more leniency. the changes aren't insignificant either, as he's no longer making excuses and instead consoled to be open about what he wants. the threat persists, itadori's careful, but no longer fearful. that's saying a lot. ]
We deserve to hear a goodbye, right?
[ while it was tempting to use that opportunity to change dabi's mind, because itadori is fucking selfish and wouldn't want to respect that man's wishes if that time comes— but he knew that's not how it works between them. they are both gambling with their lives every single day, they both had purposes that are deemed far more important than chasing some fever dream. however, if they somehow make it, if dabi didn't grow tired of him before his execution date, or didn't end up dead himself, itadori will dare to call it a happy ending.
the water started losing force, and it is also losing its warmth. it's mildly bothersome, yet itadori is sedated as he watched their hands brush against each other; one corner of his mouth perked up into a slow smile. smitten. sure, it was a tease, those fluffy feelings. or, that's what he thought the second he said it. now that he thinks about it, staring down at his own hands as he missed dabi's touch— he realized it was a reflection on what his subconscious is already aware of. ]
... I don't expect you to return it. You really can't force that kinda thing ...
[ as dabi continued clarifying his other boundaries, itadori thought about what kind of feelings he had for dabi. was it romantic? is it a silly crush? no. those concepts seemed far too empty. the guilt he carried by turning a blind eye to the villain's resolve might have to do more than his fear for the innocent civilians. there is a sense of culpability towards the man before him. it's like watching someone you care about self-destructing, digging his own grave, and all you can do is shrug it off and declare 'it's not my problem'. how can guilt and attachment harmonize together so perfectly?
that's when the water's temperature begun to drop; not yet freezing, but very uncomfortable. itadori glanced toward the other, sighing softly. if they had the option, he would've wanted to attend to his hair as well, but he's fine with getting all the dried mess taken care of for now. he brought a hand up to smooth over a scarred cheek, lightly curling a few hair strands behind dabi's ear as he leaned in for a chaste kiss; nothing more than a brush of their lips. ]
Got it. When you're not so busy, return my calls then. Don't just stare at your notification and do nothing.
[ he then turns to the side, careful with his balance as he stepped out of the shower and reached for the towel. it looked ... decent? no visible stains. let's not try to inspect if it's clean enough, or smell it, he'll just — take a leap of faith and start drying himself; attending to his drenched hair first and then down to his arms and shoulders. he's not dismissive of dabi, if anything, he kept his focus on him the whole time. he wondered if he's bothered by the cold water at all — or is it another blessing of his quirk? ]
[dabi's made it part of his life to understand people. look into them, see what he can glean from their actions and words. he's a wary person and doesn't trust others. words are easily faked and actions can be controlled. what matters is time and keeping an eye. early on, he realized itadori was honest and could thus trust his words and actions. it didn't do the kid any benefits, but made it easier for other people to believe him. what problems he had weren't dabi's concern. he'd gotten over mocking him for his naivety. especially since some of that naivety made tonight a fair thrill, what with itadori throwing excuses to the wind and accepting that encouragement to go for it without holding himself back. there's a time and place for caution and a time and place for pouring out everything. fear's got no place in either.
deserve to hear a goodbye? dabi merely cants his head to the side, giving him a look that said the opposite. "deserve" around him is a tricky slope. since he already got so much he'd never think he'd "deserve" and yet there it is. all over his body. and his father remains at the top, despite deserving nothing less than life imprisonment. who deserves anything?]
Ya want a goodbye.
[it's fine if itadori wants to be selfish around him; dabi has no right or reason, much less ability, to control that. he's already warned him and retreated, but the sorcerer keeps coming, so much that it's simply not worth the effort to tell him no. itadori can do as he pleases; that means nothing to how dabi reacts. pure as that. maybe the kid could stand to be fucking selfish for once. instead of tossing his life around like it's nothing, trying to save everyone he can and yet sticking himself as nothing more than a cog in a machine. funny thing about cogs... they're small and overlooked, but if one of them breaks, the entire structure grinds to a halt and ultimately collapses in a broken heap. if not, that cog obviously wasn't doing shit and never should've been there in the first place.
dabi's aware he's no longer the cog, but the fucking wrench. his father wanted him to be a hammer, but nope! far more enjoyable to throw himself in there and watch everything crumble around him. might be a gamble, but he's gambled before. hell, his very existence was a gamble, created to inherit power and achieve what endeavor couldn't. his gamble failed. too bad for endeavor it didn't die.
whatever ending he winds up with, likely none of them have itadori in them. the kid has his own life to tend to, far more important things to do than get himself involved with a villain drunk on revenge.
one touch after another, water losing its weight and warmth. he ignores it easily, eyes training on itadori's hands as they move with his own. touching each other and spreading the soap along the curve of shoulders or the cut of collar bones. further down to the sculpture of musculature that's different for both of them, a cable for itadori and a wire for dabi. but his hands are warm... even without a quirk, itadori's hands are warm. does he miss that warmth? not particularly. would he mind having it on him again? ... no. kinda liked it.]
Don't worry. [in that dismissive tone which implies he's gonna say something that'll be opposite the words he just said.] If I die, you'll hear about it pretty quickly.
[yep. definitely something not to worry over. check the papers for the obituaries or the headlines. dabi won't die a pathetic unknown out in the wilderness where no one knows. even if he does, his little brother will probably interrogate the whole damn villainous army on his body's whereabouts. shouto's an emotional little shit who'd chase him to the end of the world if he could.
stand aside and watch me burn. basically what he's telling the other guy to do. this isn't itadori' business or his concern. without knowing anything else about the kid's background or what he's doing, dabi can't hold any preference on itadori's own well-being. apart from mildly being interested in knowing if he's dead or alive, the villain couldn't give much of a shit. without a use for his plans within him, itadori's mostly an escape from his stress and life. which, ironically, he'd be pissed about losing. at least he can admit to that even if it's only been one conversation, a meal, and a fuck. hmph... something he'll have to think about in a little bit.
what itadori feels when he touches dabi under the cold water should tip of him to that question following him in the shower. his scarred body isn't shivering a shred and his skin continues to feel quite warm to the touch. this is the curse of his pathetic mother's genes... instead of developing a resistance to high temperatures like his father, dabi received his mother's resistances to freezing temperatures. and with that furnace of a quirk inside him, doubly resistant to cold. albeit meaning he's physical clashing in compatibility with his own quirk; his body couldn't handle the heat of his own flames and thus overusing them cooks his flesh and body from the inside out. a cold shower like this is nothing.
he accepts the kiss, not leaning into it much, but still returning it with a slight tilt of his head. no real regret for missing out on a hair wash. asides from some sex tousled fluff, it's not like either of them had much mess up there. soaking in the water did it well enough. dabi lets his hands slide off itadori's body in the meantime, giving him permission to leave as he's planning. he'll take a few more seconds in the shower to ensure a rinse off is complete, eyes following the other guy. true, he could've heated the place up easily enough, but they're not at that stage to where he'd use his quirk as some gentle benefiting space heater.]
Ya worry too much. [telling him what to do and all. might stare at the notification and do nothing for the first time or two just to be petulant.] I'll get to ya when I'm able.
[that's all he'll give. at least the towel is clean. this place does have a washer/dryer somewhere in the building. dabi steps out after those few seconds and snags a towel from the counter. wasn't in there long enough for his skin to get weird, though it has soften a little around the edges where the seams meet. enough you could probably peel it if you wanted. there are areas on him where the burned flesh and healthy aren't entirely joined, particularly the areas between the staples. raw flesh lies beneath, peeking through if things stretch too far in the wrong direction. it'll dry out soon enough and be safer to manage.]
Ya did well. I liked it. So next time- [and tosses the towel onto the door as he heads from the bathroom.] -I'm topping.
[ and then, out of nowhere, dabi's words would sting, humbling itadori back to his place. he knew that man is so haunted by revenge to think of any other way to find some relief to all the hatred fuming from within— behind it all, reality is: dabi is hurting. how could anyone find peace when they're holding onto the past and resentment the way he did? how could anyone be happy like this? dabi didn't seem to care about anything but his retribution. it ultimately left him alone. he will die alone too. and itadori will hear it on the fucking news, huh.
as he stood there, somewhat chewing on his lower lip, in a way muffling back the urge to say something. after taking in a deep breath, itadori shakes it off, watching as dabi stepped out of the shower. the changes in the burned flesh are subtle enough to dismiss, not like itadori is attentive to the small details. still bitter about the previous comment. whether it was intentional or not, the deflection toward their sexual experience served as a good distraction; sobering him up from the rut he was in. such a simple mind yuji has. ]
... For real?
[ he hasn't pursued him out of the bathroom yet, frozen. a bit startled with the possibility of them being intimate again. despite how comfy itadori is with touching, holding, and being 'fluffy' with that villain— he sincerely thought this was as far as they can go, and tonight was an exclusive generosity. he truly believed their upcoming hangouts will be nothing more than sharing a meal, and — found peace in it. therefor excuse him, while he stares at a random wall; the wheels in his head slowly turning and making sense of everything. dabi wants to do it again? with him?
hastily he dropped the towel, ran his hands through his hair to neaten it, heart hammering. his fingers danced with nerves, twitching, shifting, flexing— ]
Okay!!!
[ he blurted out, forcing himself to take the chance and not surrender to his doubts. yes, he almost lost control tonight, but he didn't. itadori chose to take it as an encouragement and have some faith that it will stay this way the next time. now that he consented, he can't take it back. it's done. they're doing this when the time is right.
god, why is his heart still pounding in his chest? with a heavy huff, he leaned down to pick up his boxers from the pile of clothes on the floor, finally covering himself. his gaze shifts towards a nearby closet, upon unlocking it— let's say he didn't expect this shitty motel would offer an extra pair of bedsheets to their guests, which is something they desperately need. after all, they have left their marks on the bed. ]
If we're doing it again, let me know in advance. I'll need to bring some stuff along.
[ the old bedsheets are yanked off, joining the hoard of clothes on the ground, and with some quick work— itadori spreads the new ones, running his fingers over the mattress to smooth it over, getting those edges tucked in; pillows fluffed. by the time dabi pays attention to him again, he'd find the sorcerer chilling on his side of the bed, legs crossed, waiting for him.
with a lighthearted smile, he gestures for the other to come closer. ]
[revenge is a disgusting thing. he started out split down the middle, with his father demanding and affirming that touya would be the greatest hero who ever lived, who would surpass all might and endeavor. over and over, you are my greatest success, filling him with his father's ambitions. and then one day, when those burns were still fresh on his little body, his father told him the truth: you can't. you're only a failure. stop trying. and abandoned him. he watched him try to replace him over and over. fuyumi. natsuo. more failures tossed to the wayside. and then little shouto. endeavor's ultimate success and the pride of his life. the final nail in touya's coffin for ever getting back his reason for living. his existence forfeit. a final last-ditch effort to show his father he really could be the pillar he wanted and forge that future and destiny endeavor engraved in him so hard touya never developed one of his own. that one lingering chance... his father never showed up. and touya died.
yeah. tell yourself that doesn't hurt. tell yourself that wouldn't drive anyone insane to have their reason for being extinguished. failure. useless. annoyance. worthless. LOOK AT ME!!
there's nothing left for him to care about. anything new that tries to press in meets the same flames within him. an azure domain that burns and burns and burns everything it touches to ash. cares. emotions. bonds. people. it's all gone inside. itadori'll hear about it on the fucking news because that's what dabi's good for: the sensation of revenge.
it's strange that yuji wants to reach into that hellish realm inside dabi and try to find something to grasp onto and save. hell, protect. but he'll only burn his hand black. they both want things, but at such a diametrically-opposing direction it's impossible to bring into alignment. and yet... there's weight inside itadori that dabi can almost feel. something damaged and hurting. it's not the thing inside him either; it's the kid himself. why else reach for a stranger? why else would a simple comment send him spiraling? simple, yeah. naive, definitely. stupid, of course. human? ... so very tenderly human.
dabi eyes him as he walks past, noting the surprise in his voice and expression as he passes. so eager to jump onto that pleasure all over again and forget the burdens inside. hmph. at least itadori still possesses the ability to be selfish. it's almost attractive.]
Uh-huh.
[the eldest todoroki son has his standards despite being willing to sleep with trash on the same level as dabi and even lower. he'll kick someone out or burn them up (the more likely) if they aren't worth an 'again' with him. itadori is worth more than one 'again' with him. whether it's meeting him for a meal or a fuck, there's something about him that dabi's silently caught. like a shining piece of unknown he can hold in his hand all for himself. not attached to any hero or villain, not involved(ish) with his life or ambitions, but instead a confusing, attractive, curious escape that dabi can't make any use of other than being able to selfishly keep all to his own.
he wants to do it again. wants to eat with him again. wants to see him again. you know, within limits. dabi's not a friendly guy even with the allies he's made in the league. still a lone wolf.
...did he just try to neaten his hair? swore he caught a glimpse of that in the mirror right out the corner of his eye. che, idiot. cute, but idiot. there's still things they have to deal with, but dabi's fine with that. keeping their lives and issues separate from each other leaves them able to focus only on the things generated between them. itadori didn't lose control tonight either and had sex. a big middle finger to whatever fears or blocks he had before keeping him from enjoying that part of life. another person dabi might say he corrupted, but itadori? ... tsk, the kid's so light all dabi can really say is that he managed to free him. in one little area. oh well. sometimes it just takes one rock to bring the house down.
he kicks his boxer briefs out of his pants and then up into the air, catching it in one hand before putting them back on. not really one to sleep in the buff, this is more comfortable. dabi's a bit surprised to see itadori returning with clean bedsheets. didn't expect that. but he accepts it silently and goes to tug the sheets of along with him, taking a moment prior to strip the blanket away before they got some of the mess on that. don't have to change everything.]
What kinda stuff?
[he's assuming lube and perhaps condoms, though it's not like they used one tonight and likely wouldn't use one in the future. maybe some cleaning wipes? he's assisting in changing the bedsheets and so mentally pictures itadori coming to the next meeting with clean sheets in a bag. wow. wouldn't that be like him... leaving the other guy to deal with making it all pretty, dabi heads to the window to slide a finger through the slats, just enough to open it and take a peek outside. as expected... nothing. could do with a smoke right now, but considering who he's with, hmph, guess he'll pass.
by the time he turns back around, itadori's done and dabi eyes him with a curious look at the clean-made bed and his partner sitting there like a little kid with a gentle smile. you really aren't someone who should be hanging around me... said that before and he still thinks it. too bad he knows now itadori's too stubborn to listen. leaving the window, dabi moves back to the bed and kneels on it, moving to just behind the other boy.
he catches him on the top of his head, fingers curled in his hair, and lightly--bur firmly--draws back, tilting itadori's head backwards. just enough he's left staring at the ceiling until dabi leans over him and kisses him upside down. there's the faintest trace and taste of smoke on his tongue, free hand cupping the sorcerer's throat.]
Lube and condoms. We need it, right? We just made a huge mess ...
[ yeah, dabi got it right. it was extremely tempting to give in to exhaustion as he relished the bliss of their afterglow, and itadori is still annoyed that he had to break it off and attend to the shower instead. it's a learning experience, so next time he will come prepared. well— if he ever gets the heads-up. you can't always plan out those things. sometimes it just happens.
his gaze shadowed dabi's steps, turning his head to glance back at first, only to be coaxed by a firm tug at his hair. itadori asked no questions, aired no protests, merely complying with it. the pressure on his throat might make someone feel restless, especially with the way his neck flexed, bare, far too vulnerable under the mercy of a man who had blood on his hands. was it blind trust, or foolish devotion? maybe a mix of both.
... oh, that was— cute. he could almost see sparks striking behind his closed eyelids, tipping his chin upward, embracing the kiss with parted lips. itadori didn't dare to move when dabi broke it off to speak, not even an inch. he stares at the other from this peculiar viewpoint, lashes low. his blood has warmed up, and is just roaring hot through his veins. why? because this is the first time dabi reached for a touch, seemingly growing more relaxed around him. in contrast to how their night had started, watching the man right now just felt so—
what was it again? is it 'calming'? 'heartwarming'? itadori couldn't specify it into a single word. it's a mad rush of several emotions all at once. he leaned in again, tongue flicking a line to bisect dabi's lips before kissing the edge of his mouth. ]
Am I? ... Sorry. Tolerate it.
[ gently, he relaxed his neck, sitting up a bit as his arm stretched back to curve around dabi's waist, drawing him close, enough to urge him to settle down next to him. it makes his heart beat faster, warmer... itadori's own smile softens, and he leans toward his partner just a little, lightly touching their foreheads together. even in the heaven of itadori's rare contentment ... 'how can I protect you? — those words persist, a breath away from slipping out. they end up unheard, and he turns his face just enough, lips brushing the other man's ear. ]
I want to be with you. Like this. Whenever we can.
[ and maybe, just maybe, that's all itadori can do for him. if he can't change his mind, change his resolve, make him see that he's sabotaging himself more than the family he's so desperate to punish—then all he can offer is a safe space, a kind company, and a reminder that he doesn't need to be alone all the time. please don't end up all alone. the conception might be enough, even in its simplicity. itadori hopes so.
playfully, he pulled dabi against him before he shoved his weight on the other, and they end up flopping down on the mattress with a loud creak. man, that bed had gone through some shit tonight, and it's still not over. resting on his side, he rolled over to face dabi, with his cheek squished against the pillow. ]
Okay. You need to decide! Pitch black or lights on? Blanket or no blanket? I'll be fine either way.
Leave the second one out; ya don't need it. Mess' fine.
[it's part of the experience. considering they just did it without a condom, dabi's not figuring they're going to require a revisit with one. especially since he's pretty sure itadori'd be curious about what finishing inside feels like, as he had with dabi. and heartless villain as he is, who's he to deny the guy that experience? especially after determining he's gonna fuck him into the mattress to get the other end of the spectrum. (hey, annoyance down; shower was your idea, yuji.)
tilting his head back and kissing him like this glazes towards the intimacy side of things, fingers and palm cupping round his throat flavoring it with something possessive and maybe even threatening. his thumb's right against itadori's pulse point, every beat of his blood thrumming through his flesh. dabi eases the grip on his hair, letting the damp, pink spikes shift between his joints and flutter across his hand. the guy complied with the kiss without question... well, they've not given each other reason to be afraid of the other so far.
parting their mouths only just enough to speak, dabi's words as tangible against itadori's lips as they're audible to his ears. only scarred throat and collar are visible real estate from this point of view for the sorcerer, but a good view's not the point for this kiss. temptation crawls through his lips and teeth to bite him, something aggressive and raw to clash with this sudden dip into the softer, but he brushes the allure aside. itadori's put up with plenty so far and has held to his word. he'll give him a little more leeway for the time being. give instead of taking.
maybe blame it on the afterglow later, despite that being long-since washed down the drain. a wet flick of tongue thuds against his lips, pressing them apart as the taste buds along the surface of itadori's muscle skim across dabi's scorched and fire-crenelated lower lip, a far contrast to the glass-smooth underside of that wet invasion wandering across his healthy upper. before that whole dual experience truncates in a short and sweet kiss to the corner of his mouth.]
If I feel like it.
[what a bratty response. kind of likes it. releasing his neck and withdrawing, dabi surrenders itadori back to himself, resting on his calves behind him. that arm about his waist ultimately draws him out of his perch and he wrangles himself a bit to lean down beside him. attention to his position's momentarily shattered when itadori brings their foreheads together, earning a blink of surprise and then a somewhat narrowed gaze. there's a point where 'too familiar' is breached. this is nearing it. even with sex, dabi's not a touchy feely person this way. it skims it, a fish just under the surface, but doesn't breech as itadori instead goes for his ear.]
Gonna take that at surface value...
[such a statement is way past "dangerous" and into the "over the edge" territory. but to some testament of itadori's offer of a comfortable retreat, dabi doesn't outright dismiss it as his instinctive reaction immediately flares up to do. scorch it, kill it, tell him he's stupid for even thinking such a thing. instead, he'll take it as this. a physical retreat from his life. a place and person he can come to free of his normal baggage. apparently that also comes dealing with itadori's clingyness, but that's not too high a price. he can tolerate it. in exchange, he'll simply offer the same. a place where the sorcerer doesn't have to hold all of his baggage for a little while. that's as comfortable a trade as dabi's willing to make right now. itadori's welcome to fall deeper over the edge, but he won't.
never get attached to someone else. especially not like this... not that the villain has the capacity for those feelings anymore. but he'll at least give itadori that acceptance.
strength and pressure quickly topple him and dabi swings an arm back instinctively, bracing on the bed before his elbow buckles and he drops down onto it with a soft grunt. relax. the beds here have been through worse. sometimes quirks get involved in sex and that can really fuck up the supporting furniture. dabi settles onto his back, one arm draped across his chest, the other one lying at his side.
really? itadori's making a big deal about that? like a carnival game. this kid has too much fun with life. instead of answering, dabi merely kicks the sheets and blanket up from the bottom of the bed and drags them up. despite his resistance to cold, he's never been comfortable sleeping uncovered when he's not wearing his clothes. brings back bad sensations.]
Ya know both of those can be individual decisions. [aka: neither needs to decide to tolerate the other's preference. right before clicking off the light beside the bed.] Light or dark doesn't bother me.
[ ah, that little glare from dabi, as endearing as it was, he knew the warning signs. honestly, this whole thing felt like taming a feral cat at times, one that's not used to the human touch. while you're so eager to pet it, reach down for their head, often you'll be rewarded with a paw clawing your hand away. it takes time and effort to win their trust, and dabi would probably kill him for that analogy— but is he lying here?
the stiff and narrow stare is heard loud and clear. itadori will back off, give him some space, let him breathe. otherwise dabi wouldn't tolerate his advances and drag them back to the stage of caution. or, that man might ghost him completely. now that will be painful; especially after getting so spoiled with their closeness, and given the freedom to be affectionate (even if it's one-sided) with someone. it meant too much for itadori to fuck up. he'll behave for now.
and so, with a knowing smile, he curls up next to the other man, close but not clinging. he's fine with it. itadori is fine with them being here, sharing space, content, and comfortable. ]
I like it dark, with a blanket and a leg sticking out.
[ it's his turn to switch off the light from his side, and like the perfect romantic cliche— the moonlight subtly illuminates the room as it fell into a serene hush. for now, itadori rests on his back, his shoulder touching dabi's, with his head tilt to the side. it's a safe option where he gets some kind of physical contact under their blanket, without smothering the other man. a fair trade between his neediness and dabi's reserve.
he stares at the ceiling, nothing in particular. however, the unwavering smile on his features speaks a lot about how itadori perceived this entire experience. he begins to reflect on this day, from the moment he woke up, to when he joined his classmates, successfully handling a mission, rushing back to the dorms to prepare the meal, meeting with dabi, having his first kiss, his first sexual experience, understanding why he's so infatuated by this man after obsessing about it from the night they met, getting some of his questions answered— and now, he's brought back to this moment. as they relaxed on one bed, under one blanket, with enough trust that he could fall asleep, consoled he's not at risk, nor is dabi.
— to be able to know that he didn't need to be alone. that he could be with someone. all those fears and dreads should no longer paralyze him. to have the freedom to seek the intimacy he craves, a person he could confide in, someone who can reciprocate his feelings. what started as 'never' has made a dramatic twist to 'it might happen!'.
is he allowed to be this happy?
... it's scary. ]
It feels ... weird knowing that I can actually ask someone out now. Well, it's not like people are lining up to date me. But, it feels nice to have an option.
[he's never once agreed with itadori's sentiments that he's a 'nice guy' to be with. despite his laid-back attitude, dabi's violent, spiteful, and selfish. he may trust the other guy a little more than he did before, a little more than he probably should for just two meetings, but itadori's sincerity is easily noticed and self proven. this is a person would reach out for anyone's hand and grasp onto them, hold them tightly, and never let go, no matter what came his way in recompense, all to save them. a hero and a good person to the end. makes him unbearably naive at times, and yet... how different would the world be if the heroes and others in the world were like him?
in a way... it's frightening, to stare acceptance in the face so readily. those walls of flame come up fast and dabi backs off into the darkness, refusing to allow either of them to move forward any further. it's a warning and both an admission and agreement. as itadori retreats, dabi settles on the bed beside him. might be a sort of unconscious power play here. an understanding that the kid won't push him to far out of fear of being left along, and a similar realization that the villain actually wants this to last a bit longer and so won't burn him.
that smile lingers in the corner of his turquoise eyes even as he shifts them up to the ceiling. it's his presence beside him that he feels. a gentle glow of warmth and the weight of another sharing his bed. thing is, itadori's right; he is comfortable.]
That's specific. [and the obvious solution to the fight between too hot under the covers but too cold with them off.] Over the edge of the bed or in the middle?
[as the room settles into darkness, it's a few seconds before his eyes adjust to the moonlight coming from window. dabi glances towards it. yeah, those curtains are gonna have to be shut before he goes to sleep. not having his face resting unconscious towards an exposed window. later. right now he feels at ease enough to let it stay open, moonlight included. there's no attempt to edge away from the shoulder touching his own, a single point of contact between villain and sorcerer. not going to admit to the subtle attempt his body makes to feel itadori's heartbeat through that contact.
gives him time to think about everything as well. dabi doesn't want to look into this as anything more than two guys meeting and fucking to blow off some steam. some free meals on the side. and yet, it's itadori yuji. which means it's not just that on the other guy's side. a glance over at that smile is enough to tell him that. took a lot of this kid's firsts tonight, from kiss to sex to having a partner no strings attached. what dabi sees as merely a useful thrill is a friendship for itadori. he's probably spent all day excited about it. what dabi gets excited about would horrify itadori and make him cry. they're diametrically opposed so completely, it's fucking insane for them to be together, and yet here they are. which of them is crazy? doesn't know. probably both. it's easier to tell himself this is infatuation, a massive crush on the wrong person, and eventually the kid's gonna wise up and leave. in the meantime... che, fuck it. he'll stick around and see what happens.
admittedly, it's kind of nice to have an escape. someone he doesn't have to look over his shoulder at or think about what use he could make over them. no real suspicions about hiding revenge or attempts to supplant or take down. he's just itadori yuji. someone who's happy to be around him.]
[ it's not like dabi can 'see' anything, but he can certainly feel the shifts under the thick fabric, as itadori pushed his leg out. it wasn't really dangling over the brim, but close to it. the perfect balance in his opinion.
for the sake of keeping a blind eye to dabi's criminal, murderous activities— the mundane question of 'how was your day?' is not an option in their case. he will hear the grim details, and it will only trigger a squabble, make this night end on a bad note— therefore, itadori will try his best to avoid that. he deserves one fucking good day, and he'll grab into it with his teeth and nails. now that he thinks about it, dabi had a perk that made their relationship work. that man didn't have the desire to gloat about his wicked sins, often keeping it to himself. while the kid likes to pretend he's doing it for his welfare, it was more of dabi's psyche. for someone who's carrying a heavy load of resentment, he's oddly chill. it's probably why itadori, and some individuals in the league, are encouraged to call him their friend. ]
It's not. I mean ... I wouldn't tell my date I'm 'using them'. It kinda kills the vibe of making it romantic, you know? Then again, we've done some ... very date-ish things?
[ — for two strangers choosing to have casual sex, with no emotional connection, they might've crossed a few lines. itadori rolled his eyes to the side, sneaking a peek at the other man as he ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it back and slick. the mild confusion with his answer is evident, from the way itadori furrowed his brows, pressed his lips together, eyes narrowed and seemingly lacking certainty. itadori didn't go far in his hunt for a justification; way too tired, instead sighing and returning his attention toward the other man.
god, the way itadori is looking at him ... like he's begging for something, yet he's conscious he's not allowed to. forbidden! it's like a child standing outside a candy store, face glued against the window, in total agony. this screams pathetic, but the sorcerer couldn't give a fuck anymore. ]
Okay, I will let you sleep at peace tonight. I promise. But, can we cuddle next time? Isn't that what people do when they share a bed?
[ maybe if he warned dabi in advance, he wouldn't be so opposed to the idea in the future. it allows him time to be mentally prepared, which diminishes the chance of getting rejected. heh, maybe he's not so stupid after all! ]
[itadori's protested being a kid before, and yet then he goes and does something like this. eager and proud to answer with a show off of something so mundane and childish, it's annoyingly pure-hearted. dabi doesn't bother lighting anything to see; he can gather as much by the shifting covers.
yeah no, he'll just keep the sheets around his ribs for now.
dabi's not expecting itadori to ask about his "day" or his "life" since they already decided not to bring those topics into their meetings. one out of secrecy over a life unrevealed to the villain, and one out of caution over the activities the sorcerer would be against hearing and at risk of knowing. dabi isn't one to garrulously spill about his criminal ways, at least not to most people, and usually never for no reason. he likes to save that kind of shit for battles or dangerous situations where he needs to by time or intimidate others. itadori doesn't fall into that category. plus he's already made it clear he doesn't approve. no point in getting into an argument. but it does limit their conversation topics... what to speak about when their normal lives are shuttered by the lives themselves? likely something more off topic. preferences and thoughts about random shit. small talk that means nothing more than finding commonality between two different people.
odd thing is, dabi finds himself actually wanting to perhaps indulge in some of that with itadori. it irritates him because he normally couldn't give a shit. and yet here he is, talking about what temperature is best in bed. there's something about the sorcerer that's... comfortable. he's not someone dabi would ever admit to caring about whether he lived or died, but apparently he does take some solace in knowing itadori's alive. at least alive enough he can look forward to meeting him another time. can't say he's really ever felt that about someone else. someone he isn't planning on being villainous towards.]
Depends on how ya define a date. Two people goin out an doin' somethin they both enjoy doing? Could be a date. [no matter if the "something" is watching a movie or blowing up a convenience store.] Wouldn't call this one. It's just an extended meetin, dinner an' a fuck included.
[a little smirk and a "heh" pop off at the end of that. dabi didn't do "emotional" connections, since that moved too much into the "feelings" he doesn't have. what itadori holds towards him is the other guy's own burden. he knows not to expect much, if any, on the return outside of a surface-level curiosity and interest. still... that does beg the question why he's staying here to sleep beside him when he would've long-since left someone else and the door behind him.
eyes fall on him again and dabi glances to the side to catch the sorcerer's face in the faint moonlight. confusion and frustration in his voice isn't hard to hear, but seeing it on his face reminds him itadori's still just off the cusp of adulthood. contrary to the expressive display on his partner's face, dabi's remains a complete blank, eyes somewhat lidded, brows resting neutral, lips together despite his scarred slicing across his stapled cheeks making him reminiscent of a glasgow smile. can't give him certainty or justification beyond simply wanting to do something and going for it. to hell with the results.
so why is itadori looking at him like a begging child outside a store window? it is pretty pathetic, but hey, if dabi's going to encourage the guy to be free with his desires, then isn't he setting himself up for this kind of crap? who knows what sort of repressed wants itadori's been harboring under that pink hair of his.]
Huh?
[the villain's mouth cracks open a bit in a slight twist of confusion, brows angling in the same. that's what he's wanting? to be clingy?]
Ya ain't gonna turn into some kinda octopus while I'm sleepin are ya?
[granted, considering dabi's main concept of "being together" is his parents, the idea of cuddling in bed is a relatively alien concept in his head. do people really have to touch while they're sleeping to feel comfortable or something? granted, he appreciates the warning, but he's not sure he's the kind of person who's right for cuddling. which is still playing out almost like a failed wrestling match in his head. a far cry from what itadori's thinking about.]
Or do ya mean... uh... fuck, what kind are ya talkin about?
[ just a meeting, dinner, and a fuck. itadori didn't object, even when he was side-eyeing the other man the whole time, taking in that smirk and the unspoken words behind it. if this is how dabi has chosen to interpret tonight's events, then he wouldn't ruin it by fighting him for what he truly believes happened. it wasn't a casual fuck. the villain didn't indulge his urges and then left the kid behind in his mess. he was attentive when he didn't need to be. patient when no one asked for it. he understood what this fucking night meant for itadori. in the best way his revenge-craved mind could, within what little compassion he had left in him, dabi made it special for him. how the hell is this a casual fuck? impassive? and he's still here. with itadori. he's still accommodating to him, tolerating this clingy kid and allowing him to end this night, his special night, on a good note. there is an effort, there is acceptance—
it's easy to get heated at how he's steadfast in downgrading his influence on the sorcerer. dabi refused to give power to the one thing that made itadori feel he's fated to die a lonely, miserable death. he's angry because— that man didn't know how much this moment had shaken him. this might be a silly conclusion for some, to be put on a high standard as being saved, while all he got is a sexual experience with a murderer. itadori didn't care about the circumstances. it is what it is. this night is everything he ever needed, and it pissed him off that dabi couldn't see it.
it was hard to swallow it all in, but he did. precious, yet fragile— is his time with this man. ]
... for real? It's that confusing to you?
[ itadori raised an eyebrow, he then rolled over, leaning on dabi's side as he regarded him closer. a slow blink, and with a quiet 'ah!', he realized this is serious. he's not messing with him. ]
I'm talking about holding you as we sleep. No, not like an octopus. I don't want to suffocate you. It's ... uh, it will feel good. For both of us. You will feel ... safe.
[ because, let's be honest, when they're out there— it's never safe. you're always on edge, moving, running, fighting, obsessing, tired, fucking exhausted, out of breath, and then ... return 'home' to an empty bed only to stay up for hours because your thoughts are running wild in your isolation. itadori, at least, is not alone. in a sense he had friends who care about him, who try to protect and support him in his journey. dabi is on another threshold, stubborn and committed to walk through hell on his own; lost all trust and faith in others. he's not even trying. he's done trying. it took itadori back to that smirk, and the pride behind it for denying anyone to presume his actions can be more than emotionless acts; the walls he built around himself seem infinite.
how can he reach him? ]
... Whenever you want.
[ by giving him space. breathe. try again another time. nice and easy. ]
We should try it. I want to be your first in something.
[there's a part of him that nags over the same thoughts. so many other times, dabi'd have finished and left a long time ago. but those times hadn't brought him homemade food and certainly hadn't expressed such interest in being close to him in a friendly way. yes, he's not charred in the mind and heart enough to not recognize the impact this night left on itadori, but no, he fails to see just how much it's meant to him. likely because he doesn't want to see it. dabi has no delusions about the future of his life. whether it ends in death or imprisonment, there is no "good ending" waiting for him. without knowing itadori's ultimate termination looming over his head, he figures the kid has a challenging but long life ahead of him. not something he should be wasting by getting involved with a psychopathic murderer who intends to kill his entire family and shake the foundations of civil society until it's crumbling.
he also doesn't want to know what it feels like again... the idea of someone caring about him. a long time ago, touya grew up clinging to the hope that his father's pride in him and his mother's fearful kindness meant some sort of love and care despite the abuse his father put him through. held onto that desperately to get through the suffering loneliness. but after endeavor dismissed him, replaced his existence with two failures and at last a success, after his mother didn't care enough to listen to him... he realized it was all a lie. the "care" he thought they gave him was nothing more than his father's expectations over his usefulness and his mother's fear over her meal ticket being ruined. the betrayal and emptiness gutted him, left him crying to natsuo so many nights, begging his brother to tell him what his purpose was in life because touya couldn't see it anymore. someone had to care about him, right? someone had to see him, Right?RIGHT?!
no... no one did.
he died alone. dragged himself off that burning mountain alone, flesh smoldering and heart blackening inside his charred body. it's how he's existed for years. hating people, acknowledging his existence as being nothing to anyone but himself. the only way he could get attention was to flare up and draw eyes of hatred and disgust on himself. there had been no hero to reach out to help him. no kindness to tell him he'd be okay. those things didn't exist in the world for people like him. they were cursed villains. they made use of each other, consumed each other, lashed out against the people who despised them. existed.
then itadori yuuji showed up.
in one conversation and one night, this random ass kid showed dabi more kindness and consideration, more sincere and true care than he could ever remember receiving from anyone in his entire fucking life (well, in his own jaded and embittered memory). slashing straight through the scars and burns and scorched walls, until dabi was left staring at the very real reality that this young man would, if given the opportunity, really reach him. grasp his hand and hold on tight. remind him of what it felt like to actually recognize someone giving a fucking shit about whether he hurt, lived, or died.
it terrifies him. the reality of being cared about. of attempted rescue and protection.
yeah, he knows what this night means to itadori and the potential behind that knowledge between them. if he's not careful, if he doesn't keep this kid at arms length behind a wall of fire... dabi might actually care about him too. and that's such utter fucking bullshit! does he have any idea just how fucking risky and dangerous that is? those damn feelings he burned out of himself long ago?!
Look at me!
he can't fathom it. so he downgrades his influence on him. he refuses to admit this night's special. he keeps itadori at arm's length. he can't see how he could ever be "important" to someone in that way, because doing so means there's someone who'd mourn for him once he was gone. someone he might actually care about enough not to want to hurt. someone he might actually listen to when it came to stopping. feelings are dangerous because they don't stop. so keep this as nothing. keep this as a sexual experience between some naive sorcerer and a murderous villain. it's safer that way. for both of them. this little moment that dares to suggest there's a hope of some fragile sense to belong...]
Do I look like someone who gets clung to a lot?
[dabi rolls his head to the side and gives him a dry expression as the sorcerer sidled up next to him. watching his face in the stark contrast of shadows and moonlight. most people see the scars and think if they touch him, his damn skin'll flake off onto their hands like torched bark.]
Safe, huh. Hate to break it to ya, but we were safer in that shack.
[at least that shithole didn't have a lit sign out front for "vacancies". still, itadori's only proving once again that he cares about dabi's feelings. "safe" is a gambling word. there are places dabi felt safe enough to sleep and rest. villain hideouts and stuff. but he's kept himself separate from the league enough it's not like he's got "friends" coming into his room at night to check on his slumber, much less sleep in his bed with him. if itadori's going to school, then he's probably got friends who fill that need for him, comforting him and helping him sleep knowing he's safe within the perimeter. they're from different lives, loneliness for one being a horrible burden to bear, while the other cloaks himself in it as the vanguard of safety. itadori clings to people he cares about while dabi's long since given up on people in general and rejects them all.
reaching him takes a lot more than a conversation, a meal, and a night together.]
Hmph... [stubborn guy. giving him his space and all. he's already put up with a lot of this. from staying after the sex to getting a shower with him to agreeing to spend the night in the same bed. itadori's simple that good-hearted of a person.] Why the hell are ya so intent on connectin with me? Ya got ya whole life ahead to find someone who ain't gonna be dead or imprisoned within a year.
[he gets this is... was, a release and freedom for itadori, but now it's developed into more. dabi can see that already. it's strange. as naive as he is, this guy knows not to fall for someone on the first "date", right? he can't be this protective and attached to everyone he first meets.]
[ he shakes his head. no, dabi isn't inviting. it's not easy to build the courage to get close to that man, and most people wouldn't gamble on it. he shakes his head again— that's not what itadori meant by 'safe'. his protest is reserved, weak, only because he didn't know how to elucidate it.
it's when you don't need to run. when it doesn't hurt anymore. when your thoughts are hushed into a peaceful lull. it's warm; their body is warm against yours. you can finally close your eyes, drop your guard, take a steady inhale. in the end, you're no longer alone. you're happy, content and-
safe.
itadori did a pretty good job in keeping himself together. he really tried to calm down and not to overwhelm dabi and himself with all the fire blazing inside of him. it's young, eager, and belligerent— it didn't want to wait. they don't have the fucking luxury of time. he wants to follow the right steps, give that man the patience he deserves after getting fucked over by the closest people in his life. dabi deserves to have someone putting in the effort to win his trust, not by empty words but by being consistent, and by showing up. be there for him, for as long as he welcomes it. show him you won't grow tired of him, show him he's worth the risk. just show up. be there.
— until he can't anymore. what if itadori ends up as another reason in his book on why he shouldn't waste his time on others? was it fair to beg for a connection only to disappear without any justification? ]
I don't want anyone else.
[ while it's true, that's not what dabi asked. it was a half-assed answer, and itadori knew it. he takes in a quivery breath, glancing up at the ceiling again, idly toying with his fingers against his chest. he will not talk about his situation, only because dabi will just use it as an excuse to discredit him. 'oh, he probably doesn't have enough time to find someone better, so he's settling with a criminal like me.' yeah— that's not happening. this might really get itadori to lose it. ]
I ... don't know what to say. I'm not good at this? I'm not good at explaining myself. I just do it. Because I want to, and it feels right.
[ no matter how hard he tries, he can't fucking stop thinking about what little time they have. dabi could be dead tomorrow, he might end up dead before him. it's a sick race to who gets to be buried first, and he's supposed to be okay with it. he shakes it off, or tried to. he's struggling with it— itadori huffs, closing his eyes; fingers curled up into tight fists now. ]
If the situation was different, and you stopped back then ... I don't think I'd be able to recover. I'd break, and I can't ... break. People need me not to fall apart.
[ he paused, silent, and then— quietly: ]
I was scared. You knew I was scared. You knew I needed some control over my life, even if it's as simple as having sex with a stranger, but you gave it to me. You didn't mock me for it. You knew how important it was to treat me like I'm normal.
[ he is not taking dabi's past away from him, if anything ... itadori knew he could never relate to that type of betrayal, especially when you're just a child crying for your parents. they didn't relate in their pain, but they are in their loneliness. dabi can pretend he's above it all, but it can't possibly be true. he refused to believe anyone can go through this life on their own. it's too cruel. he returns staring at the ceiling, only for a second, before he glanced at the man beside him. ]
what the fuck is wrong with this guy?! how can someone meet up with a person so randomly and after so little time, decide that person is the "one" for them? while he certainly doesn't seem like the type, dabi's not exactly an emo thug punk with a brick for a brain. the son of endeavor meant he did more than throw punches and train his quirk. he had an education shoved into his head, learned courses and did studies, had enough knowledge in there to get up in school. which included knowing about relationships, despite his current inability to feel them and disparaging contempt for them.
the notion of "love at first sight" isn't lost on him, unlike his more socially-impaired little brother. not that dabi has much intention of explaining how he has that kind of knowledge. but what he does know is enough to tell him itadori's attraction to him is a god damn moth to a flame, an infatuation that this kid probably barely even recognizes. why the hell is he so set upon this?! his sincerity is alarming and it's the sheer lack of lie or ulterior motive behind that pure confession that makes it all the more damning.
it doesn't make any sense. it clashes with everything dabi's living for right now. there's no place for affection and fondness in a life of hatred and revenge! there's no room for caring about someone else! no care for someone reaching out for him! long since fallen over the edge of that cliff, laughing insanity in the dark amid the burnt corpses, it's utter irrational to look up and see itadori hanging over the edge of that cliff, arm extended as he strains himself to connect to dabi in the dark. fucking insanity to try it.
and yet there he is, saying these kinds of things to him.
the only time he wouldn't need to run is if the villains take over or dabi's left in jail. only time it wouldn't hurt anymore is when he's fucking dead. the only time his thoughts would quiet into that peace is underneath six feet of dirty. shut eyed, guard dropped, breath steady, content with someone and safe...
verdict: impossible.
however, itadori, of all fucking people, gets it. words mean nothing, they're cheap, fake, and untrustworthy. but his actions say so much more. holding promises he's made, showing that eager willingness to learn and care, determined to not let go because he gives a shit, being there for him. even in this short time, dabi's almost convinced he can trust anything this guy says. lying doesn't come to the sorcerer even naturally; he simply doesn't think to lie. so when he says "i don't want anyone else", dabi's left fucking rattled and dealing with a panic he's never had to wrangle before.
without any context, he's left with only itadori's words, unable to use them as an excuse to dismiss his affections and feelings. he's left with only stark honest, fingers curling by his side and silent breath drifting like smoke between his lips. is it telling that among his wandering thoughts and rising agitation is the sudden desire to erupt the entire bed into a sea of flames? because this guy's managing to peel through a tiny part of that blackened crust over his heart and poke some of the agonizing raw flesh that remains deep inside.
protect me from what i want. but which of them is that speaking of and which of them is it spoken to?}
Because it feels right...
{again, it's words like that dabi actually respects. itadori's giving no excuse, not trying to rationalize his thoughts with feelings or drives. he simply wants to. on the one hand, impressive. on the other hand, pathetic. a sliver inside him wants to grab it and hold on selfishly. this is one person in the entire world who'd actually care about him. he could experience something his life had always denied him. but is it crueler to accept itadori's feelings, only to wind up dead or imprisoned and rip his heart out of his chest because of it? or reject him completely and get the heart ripping out of the way before itadori winds up hurting himself even worse...
and why the fuck is he even having these feelings? why the hell should he care what this kid's doing? this is a no-strings-attached activity of mutual using each other for their own gains.}
This ain't the smartest choice to make if ya got people countin on ya. {again, dabi feels it necessary to remind itadori of what he's getting himself into. if he wants to plunge in headlong without looking, that's his choice. but consequences don't vanish into nothing.} Why the hell would I stop? Already told ya I ain't scared of whatever you've got goin on.
{he thinks the kid's giving him more credit and thought into his choices than's due, but whatever. let him think so highly of him. it's kinda nice to have that for a chance. some of what he says is true, even if dabi made those decisions out of a "fuck it, blow some time" mindset. but treating itadori like he's normal... yeah, that's one of the nail-on-the-head points.}
Wow. Makin me out to be a fucking saint. {his tone's amused in a sardonic way, but at least he's not rolling over and showing his back to him.} Don't think anyone's "normal" in this life. We're all fucked up one way or another.
{yeah, leave it to the villain to choose "fucked up" rather than "unique" or "special" like other people would use. because he is alone. even with the league, he's not one of the cuddly members. still keeps to himself, still sees them as useful rather than friends, still holds his own machinations and goals as far more valuable than their stupid lives. he truly doesn't give a shit about shigaraki, all for one's plans, or any of that crap. so long as "that crap" remains a vehicle he can hitch a ride on and use to ram endeavor to despair and death, he'll grab on and hang out the fucking window with a grin on his face. (and then puke if the driver's a piece of shit cause he gets carsick easily.)
dabi finds he can't really answer the rhetorical question tossed at him. telling itadori not to be attached to him, or attracted to him, is about as useful as telling a train to stop coming towards you. if he's not going to get out of the damn way, well...}
Just remember to careful, Itadori. {sheets shift and the villain leans over, one hand swinging around to reach over the other boy's head, catch him at the back of the crown, and then pull him forward until he could catch his lips with his own. there's something almost possessive about this kiss, and his lips are hot, probably enough to make itadori's nerves question if this is safe. the kiss breaks easily.} If ya play with fire too much, ya gonna get burned.
{but even with that said, there's a silent acceptance in the air. if itadori wants to cling to him (and that includes physically), then that's his choice. so long as he understands this is a dumb choice, it's a dangerous choice, and it's potentially damning.}
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Date: 9/21/21 01:20 (UTC)uhn... that's a weird feeling. most partners don't let themselves go soft inside. but it kind of fits for itadori's first time. the heat in his body seems to wane a bit, going from a fireplace burn to a candle-soft warm. probably due to the afterglow seeping through him. obviously has nothing at all to do with that hand gently brushing his cheek and reminding him what he feels like to have someone treat him as a human instead of a monster or a thing.]
Yeah...? [leading off with that and trailing instead of finishing prompts a similar response as thumb paints a wet line across the charred purple of his lower lip. wet... oh yeah, the taste of copper makes it way into his mouth even as the realization dawns in itadori's eyes. really? he's looking horrified at a bit of blood when he's seen what he's seen and dabi's lying under him with more than half his flesh scorched to irreparable? psh... what a kid.
he doesn't even bother moving his hand to show him, letting the guy find the crimson stain radiating from the back of his hand on the sheets. there's a slight pain, more a sting from the piercing, but it's not bad. he's obviously endured far worse.]
Forget it. Shit happens plenty during sex.
[bruises, scrapes, bites, sometimes even serious injuries like a broken something or other. thankfully the kid doesn't linger on the issue and start getting teary eyed or offering apologies. the lack of coddling earns a small bump in acceptance. dabi's more noticing the expression on itadori's face, that doofy smirk of his that's too admiring and affectionate a look to be aimed at him. it'd been a good experience for him. the fumbling and mistakes made it memorable, something he wouldn't be able to wash out of his mind with other partners. itadori likely felt far better about it since it was a first.
and then the pull out. dabi grunts softly as itadori tugs free and collapses beside him while the villain works on rescuing his leg from being flopped on and trapped under the kid's hips. gives him some time to stretch his legs out from being hiked and wrapped around the young man's hips for so long. normally he would take a rest, then get up, dressed, and leave, but there've been other times where he adopted other habits. washing off, taking a nap,
torching his partner, getting a drink, having a smoke. whatever. depended on the person and the location.his name's not a surprise and dabi tilts his head enough to slide his eye to the corner of his lids. there's no rush on itadori's face or embarrassment/regret over what he just did. the next part, however, it somewhat surprising. not the first time he's been asked that, or the first time he's accepted. still not something he normally does on a "first time" meeting.]
Why d'ya wanna do that?
no subject
Date: 9/21/21 20:24 (UTC)[ no, it wasn't a sassy comeback; it was itadori's genuine answer. he would like to believe dabi is the type who wouldn't tolerate someone who's tiptoeing around his words and dragging it, coming off as dishonest and fickle. it's the first thought that came across his mind, and it is his first confession without any filter. regardless, the flow of his speech, and the easy smile on his lips promised dabi no obligation. not that the villain would break under peer pressure, far too strong-hearted to be easily influenced by a few sweet words, but he still didn't want to sound so — forceful. even when he is. itadori won't deny it, unbothered if it's not the perception of a hero-wannabe, to be so selfish by making this relationship one-sided. to keep asking more from dabi; more time, more attention, more favors.
'because I want to' — while it's candid, subtle, it's also very covetous. a fine thin line between two extremes.
itadori flexed his arms up, still lightheaded in the bliss of their afterglow. he then shrugged his shoulders, both hands resting on his abdomen; unmindful of their mess. ]
I always ... wanted to know what's it like to share a bed with someone. It might sound silly, but it means a lot to me.
[ another confession. there was also a nagging sense of uncertainty prickling at the back of his head, a reminder not to get too comfortable. itadori didn't have the freedom to wander on his own, seek refuge outside the walls of his school. he shouldn't be here, let alone risk getting caught breaking the rules. that's one, and the other reason, which is more obvious— dabi isn't harmless. to assume he earned his unwavering trust would be foolish. even for itadori.
and yet, he's still ... going to persuade him. as always. ]
So, can we do this?
no subject
Date: 9/21/21 21:03 (UTC)[itadori's right in his belief. ironically, it's the kind of comeback dabi can respect. not having some sappy reasoning or excuse that might make for an emotional scene. just a selfish blunt "cause me" and that's it. selfishness isn't bad. someone being willing to be honest like that without hiding or couching their thoughts behind false glossing is more preferable to the bleeding heart. saying something about "needing a friend" or "being lonely" or another variable that suggests pity or aid would've gotten him out of bed and on his way to being out the door. instead, itadori goes the one path that gets the villain to scoff slightly in amusement before he stretches out on the bed, content to stay. those words might've come from a kind smile and the easy sway of the kid's good attitude, but their resolve is fair. itadori "gets" dabi enough. it's surprising and strange, but ultimately not something he finds himself regretting.
after all, isn't that what the villains have often said is one of the main problems? no one bothers to try and understand them. no one wants to spend the time to "get" them, as a person or to their motives. even if the person who's reaching out to him is a kind-hearted idiot who balances the line between selfish and selfless probably without even knowing he's doing it.
dabi's not quite sure how he feels about the proceedings. it's only been a conversation and a few hours. it's definitely not the first time he's slept with someone in their bed. stranger even. but it would be the first time he's slept beside someone who so desperately wants to care about him.]
Yeah.
[there's only the calm agreement rather than a curt dismissal of "do what you want" that would've separated them even in the bed. instead of making it seem like itadori's imposing on him and forcing it, the villain's offering his own acceptance. even admitting a silent want for the same. of course it's a warning to not get comfortable. there's just as much a chance as itadori stabbing him in the night with whatever's behind those claws as there is dabi cremating them both to ash right here on the bed. his flames are so hot, it would only take a second or two. but whether he's doing this because it means a lot to itadori or for some other reason... dabi's trying not to think about that.
so, with that said.]
How was it?
no subject
Date: 9/22/21 20:31 (UTC)he then shifts slowly, moving to sit up on where he's settled. by now all the warmth in his body is subdued, no longer flustered. itadori is sober enough to assure his words are honest, and not speaking out of emotions. ]
For a moment, I wanted to stop ... because it didn't feel like it was my own experience anymore. I thought I had no right to call it 'mine'. So ... I can't express how much I appreciate it when you reassured me that I'm all you see. It's still just you and me.
[ if the events unfolded differently, they wouldn't be sharing a space right now. it might be a simple reason to trigger such a reaction, but how could he not be heartsick after it? the prospect to be intimate with that man was unplanned for, to be able to take the lead, be in control and hold onto it as his own. something that belonged to him— and for it to be taken away would've been so painful after getting a taste of rare independence. itadori couldn't remember the last time he had a voice, or wasn't told what to do and where to go. while he never complained, nor did he find any wrong in the process— it still had an influence on him. a heavy burden on his shoulders; paralyzing.
dabi gave him everything he subtly craved for. reassurance, a warm body, pleasure, safety— acceptance.
he smiled, leaning forward just a little, and let one hand between them glide down, fingertips brushing dabi's hair away from his forehead. he'll apologize for smudging it in blood later. ]
It was special to me. You made it special to me, and it felt ... amazing.
[ he huffed a chuckle. what? he's allowed to share that side of their time together as well. the emotional aspect is covered, and now he will move on to the physical. which itadori felt more at ease covering this side of his answer. ]
You know, I never thought it could get that good? It was insane! Ah, I wish I had more stamina since I wanted to last longer. But it was impossible! You felt too good! And oh, I might have a thing with using my mouth ... I really enjoyed that part ...
[ a pause- ]
Maybe it wasn't the best for you, since you had your share of different partners. So, I'll help you clean up and attend to your wounds. You're still bleeding ...
no subject
Date: 9/22/21 23:12 (UTC)he only moves his eyes to find itadori as he sits up on the bed, half wondering if he was going to leave or merely wanting to stretch. the afterglow's likely drifted into the comfortable state of feel-good-but-still-moveable. considering the lack of blazing heat on his face, seems the guy's more in control of his emotions now.
listening to the answer is surprising. mostly because of how much it sounds like it means to itadori. for something so simple to dabi as seeing just one person in front of him, it's probably not the same if you've got something or someone else inside. he wonders if it's like hawk's little black bird friend, with that shadowy creature inside him. always someone there... must be a real pain in the ass to never be alone even when you want to be. never knowing if you're the only one everyone else is seeing.
can't just be "you" anymore... not that dabi's ever had the chance to simply be "himself" since he was always forced to see himself the way endeavor wanted him to be. did he ever have his own "self" before? he can't be sure. or perhaps he doesn't want to answer that question now.]
Doesn't matter who tells ya what shit, you choose to be you. Makes every experiences your own.
[perhaps that's easier said than done for someone playing host, but that's what he's going to hold to. this is their conversation, their experience, their time. after all, itadori had warned him about some undefined danger and dabi can now make an educated guess as to what it is. but he's not walked out. because he frankly doesn't give a shit. he's met plenty of people who'd be terrifying in their own right and he's willing to murder them if push came to shove. he agreed to be with itadori despite that risk and doesn't have any reason to abandon that. of course, the guy didn't try to kill him...
but the experience remains itadori's. never once he dabi feel like someone else was in the room with them calling the shots. it was always the same kid, dealing with this new overwhelming pleasure and zoning right out from it. sex is never that beautiful, sensuous thing magazines and books try to display it as. it's hot, messy, intense, and frankly you might not even remember half of it. but their time together, itadori's first time, belonged to itadori. no one else was taking it from him.
but please keep all those really mushy thoughts inside. they'd make him feel really weird because when the fuck has he ever given anyone those kinds of feelings? a failure like him only brought disappointment, usefulness/uselessness, and anger. he didn't even get chummy with his allies in the league. well, maybe some of them he got on with better than others. but none of them would say he made them feel like itadori's silently saying dabi made him feel.
fingers brush at his hair and the villain keeps his partner in his gaze. special, huh. he turns his eyes away from itadori and gazes up at the ceiling.]
First time anyone's told me that.
[he never made his parents feel "special". only ambition, disappointment, pain, and annoyance. even his siblings couldn't understand him or ultimately grew tired of him. hell, the one barely even knew him. no one else in the league would say he made something 'special' by being there.]
It's pretty good. Sometimes can get even better. [the shift to the physical response is an easier topic to settle into. dabi chuffs in amusement.] Ya made it pretty long for someone who doesn't even jerk off. [kind of expected him to explode the second he stuck his prick in.] Ya mouth, huh. Sorry I ain't the kind ya can leave a buncha marks on.
[no hickeys for you, itadori. at least not on the neck and shoulders where most people would instinctively leave them. the little dip back into doubt earns a wry smirk and dabi runs his hand through his hair.]
Don't have best or worsts. But ya were definitely one I ain't forgettin. [which probably says a bit because dabi's the kind to forget a lot of things he has no use for remembering. but at the mention of his hand, he simply lifts his injured hand (breaking the clotting seal on the wound), and looks at it. normally he'd just torch his own hand and cauterize the wound shut to deal with later, but figures doing so would lead to itadori freaking the fuck out and still demanding he treat the injury.] Ain't got no medical kit in here, so unless ya gonna do it over the sink with water, I'm burnin it shut.
no subject
Date: 9/23/21 20:34 (UTC)[ dabi deserves to hear it, not for the sake of stroking his ego, but more of itadori trying to create some balance in contrast to all the negativity that man heard throughout his entire life. true, dabi is no saint. he is worth condemning, hating, and being feared by society for his past actions. there are consequences for the choices he made, but how can we neglect the key question of 'what went wrong?'. the broadcast begged its viewers to ask this question, even when dabi's objective isn't to seek sympathy; it was more of crushing the trust on heroes. one might say he attained that goal, or maybe it was a miss. it didn't matter to itadori. in the end, he chose to use it as a foundation in understanding that man better.
he is not— malicious? when they coexist outside their ideology, dabi's ambitions and itadori's society, he gets to see someone else entirely. it's not an infamous villain and a murderer. it's just ... dabi. there is more to him than his troubled past and enmity towards heroes. why can't they separate the actions from the person? and with such a fond thought, his following words missed to match. ]
I used to jerk off. I have some experience, you know!
[ why did he even share that out loud? he squints at the other, lowkey blaming him for the slip because he can! his expression eased when dabi confessed that he wouldn't forget about their time together and— really, it's his fault if this kid grew attached to him. for someone who didn't know the art of being bashful and chill, itadori straightened his back with a smug grin on his face. ]
Not so bad for your first time, Itadori Yuji! Not so bad.
[ before dabi could take this moment from him, the sorcerer pushed his weight off the bed, and as soon as his feet touched the ground, he flexed his sore muscles. he stretched his arms forward, held it for a second, before they drop dead to each side with a heavy sigh. if he had a choice, he'd rather curl up against dabi's warmth, nestle under the blanket and surrender to his exhaustion. that sounds so tempting. alas, being covered in dried sweat/blood/cum didn't fit that perfect image. it is fated to ruin the mood at some point.
so, he nods towards the bathroom's door- ] You're right about the medical kit, so let's just rinse out the blood and clean up at the same time.
[ after everything they've done, sharing a shower is pretty timid. ]
no subject
Date: 9/23/21 22:34 (UTC)stay and say those things about him. it's strange to even hear someone to voice them. that pure desire to know him more and understand, without letting him go diving into his fires to spew vile at him about his father. just some random mystery guy who thinks dabi's a pretty interesting person. not a villain or an insane shit or even an ugly charred monster. he treats him like a human being.
it's a rare experience.]
Wow. Ya so cool now, kid.
[far less mocking and more languid teasing. rubbed him wrong enough he felt the urge to blurt that out huh? amazing. dabi ignores the blaming squint and lifts a shoulder in a dismissive shrug. blame him all you want; you're the one that said it, itadori. the nonchalance, however, falters somewhat when the other guy sits up all straight and preening and... fucking congratulates himself out loud. first you get defensive about your jerking off experience, and now you're awarding yourself?]
I take it back. You're an idiot.
[which yuji has not only confessed to but accepted and carried on with his life. which carried him right off the bed as well. good thing he got those damn pants off him earlier or he probably would've tripped over them and fell. dabi rolls his head to the side, watching in mild interest as itadori stretches, eyes wandering over the built-yet-slender musculature flexing beneath his skin. the dried fluids on him didn't detract much from the sight. hmph... next time, dabi's fucking him into the bed. decided.]
How efficient. [heaving a sign, the villain slips out of bed and stretches his arm over his head, grabbing at his elbow to pull it. legs pull a bit, thanks to being wrapped around itadori's waist for half the fuck. but despite all his scars and staples, he doesn't seem at all bothered to walk the room naked. at first he'd been self-conscious about his scars, hiding away after stumbling off the mountain burning and cooking. but hiding them was impossible, so he left them open casually and wore what he wanted, soon getting used to the reactions they got from other people. worth it.]
Ya ever cleaned a wound before? [right, sharing a shower between them was mild compared to what they'd just done. then again, shower sharing is more intimate than a rough fuck, but whatever. he'll do it. just... might take a few minutes for the water to warm up since this is a dirt cheap motel. unless itadori wants to go for a bath. dabi'll scowl over being a water heater, but will begrudgingly acquiesce if it goes that route.]
no subject
Date: 9/24/21 21:15 (UTC)I have, but I'm not good at it.
[ at least he's honest?
itadori isn't the type to pay attention to details, and when it comes to treating his own injuries, he's pretty negligent of following the necessary, tedious steps. all that matters is that he stops the bleeding, gives his body no excuse to lose consciousness, and then moves on with his day. when it's the other way around, and he's treating others— it's a different story. ah, the hypocrisy. in dabi's case, the lack of proper tools made it hard to clean those open wounds, make sure they won't get infected before applying the bandages. they will have no choice but to rinse them under the shower, and then scorch them shut.
he watched as the other man switched on the shower; observed as the water came gushing out, the pressure is average, but it's surprisingly clear. itadori half-expected to deal with an odd color, mixed with dirt and gunk— considering the low budget of this motel. as they wait for it to warm up; a few lazy steps brought him closer, arms finding their way around dabi's waist from behind, bodies pressed against each other. itadori kept his gaze on the running water, resting his chin on the man's shoulder as he spoke. ]
... This place is falling apart.
[ not only they can see the old age of the building from the poor structure of the bathroom walls, but it's also evident they haven't cleaned it after the previous guests. then again, he won't bitch about it. if it's the only place dabi felt safe in, where no one would recognize him, it's good enough. he leans his head against dabi's as he held him, eyes closed. itadori didn't let him go, not until the steam started fogging the small space, and that's when he finally relaxed his arms; reaching out to adjust the temperature before he, carefully, stepped under the warm flow.
there is barely room for another person here, but— whatever. ]
I have a feeling we gonna' run out of hot water soon ...
no subject
Date: 9/25/21 02:22 (UTC)Don't worry about it.
[he can patch himself up without a problem. he's always taken care of himself after the mountain fire. treating his own burns, cleaning his own wounds, stapling his own flesh, occasionally burning himself on purpose if it was needed. not that he'll be showcasing any of that since there's no first aid kit to be had. at least they can wash off and he can cauterize it. (though he is mentally checking the rest of his body for any other cuts. there's gonna be bruises on his hips at least. itadori's got a singed hand.) sex without any kind of ache isn't common if you're just going to blow off steam. least the kid can go home with some mark of pride rather than feeling glum about only leaving the on dabi.
hmph... maybe he should bite him before he leaves.
the shower knobs are cold under his hands, the old plus-shaped metal knobs giving away the age of this place's setup. hell, even when they're knocked off, seems like the motel goes out of its way to replace them with crummy cheap shit. well, keeps the cost down. or they simply like the atmosphere. easy to abandon if need be. water spurts and coughs from the shower head a few times as the temperature changes and the hot water heater kicks in. luckily they escape from getting a bunch of dark water on their faces.
arms find their way around his waist and dabi turns to look at itadori from his shoulder. that's not exactly a sensation he's felt... ever. it's quickly muted by a strong body pressing up against his own, but the feeling remains. it's not some reach around jerk off or even a sex-laded drag backwards. an embrace. when's the last time he had someone simply put their arms around him for the sake of holding him and nothing more? those sensations are quietly shocking enough that he doesn't answer right away.]
... With the company they keep, ain't surprised.
[it's less they don't recognize people and more they don't care to remember or know. at least the shower's not a blood-splattered mess when they get there. when itadori leans his head against his own, dabi tilts his head to the side with a small frown. not that he can go too far is the sorcerer chases his head cause he's a stubborn idiot. bleh... don't get all nuzzly with him. he's not a cuddler
at first. but in compromise, he's not shaking the guy's arms off his waist. with the shower hot enough, dabi steps to the side, letting itadori get in first to have a few moments to rinse off by himself. then gets in---squeezes in---with him. he's a bit more of a mess than itadori, but doesn't seem to mind the close proximity as he starts rinsing off.]It's fine.
[he can at least warm the area up in spite of the colder water.]
no subject
Date: 9/25/21 21:11 (UTC)it's a tad cramped, making it hard for them to avoid each other's eyes. it wasn't awkward, oddly so, itadori found comfort in their silence as they cleaned up. he didn't reach for the bar of soap yet, instead settling on caressing his hands under the stream; rinsing them. he wasn't even aware on when his gaze started to drift lower, tipping his head with a subtle frown when those blemishes on dabi's hips caught his attention. let's add another note: be careful with your strength next time.
— next time? ah, he wondered if that's possible under their circumstances. they were merely lucky tonight. ]
I think we should talk about boundaries. [ he finally broke the peace. ] I think we both agree on keeping our own affairs private. It's a pretty easy agreement to make since we don't clash.
[ this triggered a random thought in the back of his mind, something he'd been considering for a while. he had a feeling the hero society might be aware of jujutsu sorcerers since the japanese government is involved. it's a wild guess, from a kid who didn't have the brains to defend his theory. he just assumed the government wouldn't gamble on keeping the heroes, which is another significant asset to them and their security, oblivious by other threats within the community, right? would that mean some villains are aware of it too?
for now, he didn't need to repeat himself and express his opinion of dabi's part in the hero/villain friction. or, remind him that he— wish to be blinded of it. itadori felt like a coward to act this way, pay no attention towards a man who is motivated to ruin many lives, spread fear and animosity. it won't be easy, yet it's a promise he plans to keep. ]
I'll ask for one thing. Give me a heads-up if you choose to stop seeing me. Don't disappear.
[ was it a cruel judgment to make of dabi? that man spent most of his life on the run, leaving people behind who are deemed useless, and just because he was kind to itadori tonight— it didn't mean he wouldn't be treated the same. as someone expendable once the curiosity lost its spark. itadori is not here to entertain, carry a show for the sake of keeping dabi interested. all he can offer is a warm meal, friendly company, and lend an ear. pretty mundane things. not dabi's type.
with the bar of soap squished between his hands, he lathers them up; his mouth quirks. ]
Let me guess your boundaries. No fluffy feelings, right?
*cracks knuckles* and now i've finished binging jjk ~ thanks for enabling me
Date: 9/25/21 21:49 (UTC)maybe... maybe he doesn't mind it so much at the moment. itadori's never demanded or pushed too hard. the entire interaction has been positive. thus, he gets away with his arms around dabi and those more intimate motions. for the most part. he's not stopping the touches to his hands, letting itadori turn them over in his hand, clean between his fingers, inspect the damage, even as they stand more or less pressed together under the water running out of the shower head. it's not hard to feel his eyes wandering down his body, looking at the mixture of clean skin and scars.
dabi takes a few of those silent moments to look at---really look at---itadori's face. his eyes, the scars, the emotions that rest behind them. for all his light-heartedness, he carries a huge weight inside him. enough he reaches out to strangers for some sense of relief from it. likely the very core of reason behind his desire for dabi not to get involved. hn... easy enough. he doesn't have time or attention for itadori's realm's problems. got enough here. speaking of.]
That's been the agreement since the start.
[dabi's not told itadori about anything he hasn't seen on the news or in the video. and similarly, despite the occasional prod, dabi's not learned anything about itadori's whatever. which is fine for the most part. he really doesn't like people knowing something he doesn't, especially when those things might involve plans behind the scenes. but he's compromised silently and respected itadori's request not to pry for the sake of not poisoning their time together with their private affairs' shit. it's only the potential clash that might happen that keeps a wary person like dabi curious.
if there are other villains aware of the jujustu sorcerers, that information's been kept at a very close guarded secret. so far no one in dabi's section has heard of it, despite the league joining with the liberation front. perhaps all for one knows about it, because he's all for one, the once king of the underworld. but so far, nothing. it's likely kept to an as-needed basis for the heroes. after all, who really would care if a villain got crunched to death by a curse in the alleyway? at the same time, it's the villains who would likely be the ones causing and generating much of those negative emotions.
perhaps it's for the best. there are many of those downtrodden by society who---if made aware of curses and jujutsu sorcerers---would eagerly jump towards becoming curse users, if not wouldn't sit down and instantly start cranking out so much hate and despair so as to create more misery and attack the heroes with this new power. then again... how many already superpowered heroes wouldn't adopt into the jujutsu sorcerers power and skills and seek to ally to fight the new enemy. they are heroes after all.
it's not cowardice so much as choosing the devil he knew over the devil he didn't. dabi hasn't looked down on itadori for not speaking to him about it. of course, if he tried to interfere with the villain's path, they would clash. perhaps he might not want to kill itadori as callously as he would have before, but... ultimately, revenge is far more important to dabi than a fuck and a friend.]
Not really smart of me to contact ya if I'm plannin on disappearin. [wasn't a cruel judgement at all. it was accurate. he's dropped more important people for less even faster. and normally he kills people he has no intention of seeing again. burning off the loose ends.] But I'll give ya a heads up.
[if only for the meal and the sex. as suds lather up between itadori's fingers and dabi thinks over his own boundaries, he ultimately reaches up and adds his hands to the other guy's hands, letting him work lather over them as well. the water's not coming fast enough, so a mutual soaping won't be a problem. as for himself... dabi gives itadori a flat look at the comment and takes over running the suds along his shoulders and neck. staying in the shower for a long time isn't a preference. it... does things to his scarred flesh that make it kind of gross. still... he does kind of want to stick around in here with itadori for a while, so it might be worth the result.]
Ya can get all the fluffy feelins ya want. Jus' don't expect me to mirror them.
[fluffy is not a word used to describe dabi. and it's a joke if itadori's suggesting he'd be able to curb his own feelings while being with dabi. kid's gonna be fluffy no matter what dabi says to him. so why waste the time fighting that losing battle?]
I laid out my boundaries already. If ya wanna meet, we'll set it up right before. No 24 hr or longer plans. We meet alone, but I ain't settin a time limit once we're together. [that can stay flexible. whether it's an hour or they end ups doing a sleepover, whatever.] Only other thing is don't expect me to be on call for ya. I ain't pickin up the phone if I'm busy.
omg I'm glad you enjoyed it! <33
Date: 9/26/21 20:22 (UTC)We deserve to hear a goodbye, right?
[ while it was tempting to use that opportunity to change dabi's mind, because itadori is fucking selfish and wouldn't want to respect that man's wishes if that time comes— but he knew that's not how it works between them. they are both gambling with their lives every single day, they both had purposes that are deemed far more important than chasing some fever dream. however, if they somehow make it, if dabi didn't grow tired of him before his execution date, or didn't end up dead himself, itadori will dare to call it a happy ending.
the water started losing force, and it is also losing its warmth. it's mildly bothersome, yet itadori is sedated as he watched their hands brush against each other; one corner of his mouth perked up into a slow smile. smitten. sure, it was a tease, those fluffy feelings. or, that's what he thought the second he said it. now that he thinks about it, staring down at his own hands as he missed dabi's touch— he realized it was a reflection on what his subconscious is already aware of. ]
... I don't expect you to return it. You really can't force that kinda thing ...
[ as dabi continued clarifying his other boundaries, itadori thought about what kind of feelings he had for dabi. was it romantic? is it a silly crush? no. those concepts seemed far too empty. the guilt he carried by turning a blind eye to the villain's resolve might have to do more than his fear for the innocent civilians. there is a sense of culpability towards the man before him. it's like watching someone you care about self-destructing, digging his own grave, and all you can do is shrug it off and declare 'it's not my problem'. how can guilt and attachment harmonize together so perfectly?
that's when the water's temperature begun to drop; not yet freezing, but very uncomfortable. itadori glanced toward the other, sighing softly. if they had the option, he would've wanted to attend to his hair as well, but he's fine with getting all the dried mess taken care of for now. he brought a hand up to smooth over a scarred cheek, lightly curling a few hair strands behind dabi's ear as he leaned in for a chaste kiss; nothing more than a brush of their lips. ]
Got it. When you're not so busy, return my calls then. Don't just stare at your notification and do nothing.
[ he then turns to the side, careful with his balance as he stepped out of the shower and reached for the towel. it looked ... decent? no visible stains. let's not try to inspect if it's clean enough, or smell it, he'll just — take a leap of faith and start drying himself; attending to his drenched hair first and then down to his arms and shoulders. he's not dismissive of dabi, if anything, he kept his focus on him the whole time. he wondered if he's bothered by the cold water at all — or is it another blessing of his quirk? ]
it was good~
Date: 9/26/21 21:41 (UTC)deserve to hear a goodbye? dabi merely cants his head to the side, giving him a look that said the opposite. "deserve" around him is a tricky slope. since he already got so much he'd never think he'd "deserve" and yet there it is. all over his body. and his father remains at the top, despite deserving nothing less than life imprisonment. who deserves anything?]
Ya want a goodbye.
[it's fine if itadori wants to be selfish around him; dabi has no right or reason, much less ability, to control that. he's already warned him and retreated, but the sorcerer keeps coming, so much that it's simply not worth the effort to tell him no. itadori can do as he pleases; that means nothing to how dabi reacts. pure as that. maybe the kid could stand to be fucking selfish for once. instead of tossing his life around like it's nothing, trying to save everyone he can and yet sticking himself as nothing more than a cog in a machine. funny thing about cogs... they're small and overlooked, but if one of them breaks, the entire structure grinds to a halt and ultimately collapses in a broken heap. if not, that cog obviously wasn't doing shit and never should've been there in the first place.
dabi's aware he's no longer the cog, but the fucking wrench. his father wanted him to be a hammer, but nope! far more enjoyable to throw himself in there and watch everything crumble around him. might be a gamble, but he's gambled before. hell, his very existence was a gamble, created to inherit power and achieve what endeavor couldn't. his gamble failed. too bad for endeavor it didn't die.
whatever ending he winds up with, likely none of them have itadori in them. the kid has his own life to tend to, far more important things to do than get himself involved with a villain drunk on revenge.
one touch after another, water losing its weight and warmth. he ignores it easily, eyes training on itadori's hands as they move with his own. touching each other and spreading the soap along the curve of shoulders or the cut of collar bones. further down to the sculpture of musculature that's different for both of them, a cable for itadori and a wire for dabi. but his hands are warm... even without a quirk, itadori's hands are warm. does he miss that warmth? not particularly. would he mind having it on him again? ... no. kinda liked it.]
Don't worry. [in that dismissive tone which implies he's gonna say something that'll be opposite the words he just said.] If I die, you'll hear about it pretty quickly.
[yep. definitely something not to worry over. check the papers for the obituaries or the headlines. dabi won't die a pathetic unknown out in the wilderness where no one knows. even if he does, his little brother will probably interrogate the whole damn villainous army on his body's whereabouts. shouto's an emotional little shit who'd chase him to the end of the world if he could.
stand aside and watch me burn. basically what he's telling the other guy to do. this isn't itadori' business or his concern. without knowing anything else about the kid's background or what he's doing, dabi can't hold any preference on itadori's own well-being. apart from mildly being interested in knowing if he's dead or alive, the villain couldn't give much of a shit. without a use for his plans within him, itadori's mostly an escape from his stress and life. which, ironically, he'd be pissed about losing. at least he can admit to that even if it's only been one conversation, a meal, and a fuck. hmph... something he'll have to think about in a little bit.
what itadori feels when he touches dabi under the cold water should tip of him to that question following him in the shower. his scarred body isn't shivering a shred and his skin continues to feel quite warm to the touch. this is the curse of his pathetic mother's genes... instead of developing a resistance to high temperatures like his father, dabi received his mother's resistances to freezing temperatures. and with that furnace of a quirk inside him, doubly resistant to cold. albeit meaning he's physical clashing in compatibility with his own quirk; his body couldn't handle the heat of his own flames and thus overusing them cooks his flesh and body from the inside out. a cold shower like this is nothing.
he accepts the kiss, not leaning into it much, but still returning it with a slight tilt of his head. no real regret for missing out on a hair wash. asides from some sex tousled fluff, it's not like either of them had much mess up there. soaking in the water did it well enough. dabi lets his hands slide off itadori's body in the meantime, giving him permission to leave as he's planning. he'll take a few more seconds in the shower to ensure a rinse off is complete, eyes following the other guy. true, he could've heated the place up easily enough, but they're not at that stage to where he'd use his quirk as some gentle benefiting space heater.]
Ya worry too much. [telling him what to do and all. might stare at the notification and do nothing for the first time or two just to be petulant.] I'll get to ya when I'm able.
[that's all he'll give. at least the towel is clean. this place does have a washer/dryer somewhere in the building. dabi steps out after those few seconds and snags a towel from the counter. wasn't in there long enough for his skin to get weird, though it has soften a little around the edges where the seams meet. enough you could probably peel it if you wanted. there are areas on him where the burned flesh and healthy aren't entirely joined, particularly the areas between the staples. raw flesh lies beneath, peeking through if things stretch too far in the wrong direction. it'll dry out soon enough and be safer to manage.]
Ya did well. I liked it. So next time- [and tosses the towel onto the door as he heads from the bathroom.] -I'm topping.
[show him the other side of that pleasure.]
yay ;u;
Date: 9/27/21 20:21 (UTC)as he stood there, somewhat chewing on his lower lip, in a way muffling back the urge to say something. after taking in a deep breath, itadori shakes it off, watching as dabi stepped out of the shower. the changes in the burned flesh are subtle enough to dismiss, not like itadori is attentive to the small details. still bitter about the previous comment. whether it was intentional or not, the deflection toward their sexual experience served as a good distraction; sobering him up from the rut he was in. such a simple mind yuji has. ]
... For real?
[ he hasn't pursued him out of the bathroom yet, frozen. a bit startled with the possibility of them being intimate again. despite how comfy itadori is with touching, holding, and being 'fluffy' with that villain— he sincerely thought this was as far as they can go, and tonight was an exclusive generosity. he truly believed their upcoming hangouts will be nothing more than sharing a meal, and — found peace in it. therefor excuse him, while he stares at a random wall; the wheels in his head slowly turning and making sense of everything. dabi wants to do it again? with him?
hastily he dropped the towel, ran his hands through his hair to neaten it, heart hammering. his fingers danced with nerves, twitching, shifting, flexing— ]
Okay!!!
[ he blurted out, forcing himself to take the chance and not surrender to his doubts. yes, he almost lost control tonight, but he didn't. itadori chose to take it as an encouragement and have some faith that it will stay this way the next time. now that he consented, he can't take it back. it's done. they're doing this when the time is right.
god, why is his heart still pounding in his chest? with a heavy huff, he leaned down to pick up his boxers from the pile of clothes on the floor, finally covering himself. his gaze shifts towards a nearby closet, upon unlocking it— let's say he didn't expect this shitty motel would offer an extra pair of bedsheets to their guests, which is something they desperately need. after all, they have left their marks on the bed. ]
If we're doing it again, let me know in advance. I'll need to bring some stuff along.
[ the old bedsheets are yanked off, joining the hoard of clothes on the ground, and with some quick work— itadori spreads the new ones, running his fingers over the mattress to smooth it over, getting those edges tucked in; pillows fluffed. by the time dabi pays attention to him again, he'd find the sorcerer chilling on his side of the bed, legs crossed, waiting for him.
with a lighthearted smile, he gestures for the other to come closer. ]
You ready? ♥
no subject
Date: 9/27/21 21:07 (UTC)yeah. tell yourself that doesn't hurt. tell yourself that wouldn't drive anyone insane to have their reason for being extinguished. failure. useless. annoyance. worthless. LOOK AT ME!!
there's nothing left for him to care about. anything new that tries to press in meets the same flames within him. an azure domain that burns and burns and burns everything it touches to ash. cares. emotions. bonds. people. it's all gone inside. itadori'll hear about it on the fucking news because that's what dabi's good for: the sensation of revenge.
it's strange that yuji wants to reach into that hellish realm inside dabi and try to find something to grasp onto and save. hell, protect. but he'll only burn his hand black. they both want things, but at such a diametrically-opposing direction it's impossible to bring into alignment. and yet... there's weight inside itadori that dabi can almost feel. something damaged and hurting. it's not the thing inside him either; it's the kid himself. why else reach for a stranger? why else would a simple comment send him spiraling? simple, yeah. naive, definitely. stupid, of course. human? ... so very tenderly human.
dabi eyes him as he walks past, noting the surprise in his voice and expression as he passes. so eager to jump onto that pleasure all over again and forget the burdens inside. hmph. at least itadori still possesses the ability to be selfish. it's almost attractive.]
Uh-huh.
[the eldest todoroki son has his standards despite being willing to sleep with trash on the same level as dabi and even lower. he'll kick someone out or burn them up (the more likely) if they aren't worth an 'again' with him. itadori is worth more than one 'again' with him. whether it's meeting him for a meal or a fuck, there's something about him that dabi's silently caught. like a shining piece of unknown he can hold in his hand all for himself. not attached to any hero or villain, not involved(ish) with his life or ambitions, but instead a confusing, attractive, curious escape that dabi can't make any use of other than being able to selfishly keep all to his own.
he wants to do it again. wants to eat with him again. wants to see him again. you know, within limits. dabi's not a friendly guy even with the allies he's made in the league. still a lone wolf.
...did he just try to neaten his hair? swore he caught a glimpse of that in the mirror right out the corner of his eye. che, idiot. cute, but idiot. there's still things they have to deal with, but dabi's fine with that. keeping their lives and issues separate from each other leaves them able to focus only on the things generated between them. itadori didn't lose control tonight either and had sex. a big middle finger to whatever fears or blocks he had before keeping him from enjoying that part of life. another person dabi might say he corrupted, but itadori? ... tsk, the kid's so light all dabi can really say is that he managed to free him. in one little area. oh well. sometimes it just takes one rock to bring the house down.
he kicks his boxer briefs out of his pants and then up into the air, catching it in one hand before putting them back on. not really one to sleep in the buff, this is more comfortable. dabi's a bit surprised to see itadori returning with clean bedsheets. didn't expect that. but he accepts it silently and goes to tug the sheets of along with him, taking a moment prior to strip the blanket away before they got some of the mess on that. don't have to change everything.]
What kinda stuff?
[he's assuming lube and perhaps condoms, though it's not like they used one tonight and likely wouldn't use one in the future. maybe some cleaning wipes? he's assisting in changing the bedsheets and so mentally pictures itadori coming to the next meeting with clean sheets in a bag. wow. wouldn't that be like him... leaving the other guy to deal with making it all pretty, dabi heads to the window to slide a finger through the slats, just enough to open it and take a peek outside. as expected... nothing. could do with a smoke right now, but considering who he's with, hmph, guess he'll pass.
by the time he turns back around, itadori's done and dabi eyes him with a curious look at the clean-made bed and his partner sitting there like a little kid with a gentle smile. you really aren't someone who should be hanging around me... said that before and he still thinks it. too bad he knows now itadori's too stubborn to listen. leaving the window, dabi moves back to the bed and kneels on it, moving to just behind the other boy.
he catches him on the top of his head, fingers curled in his hair, and lightly--bur firmly--draws back, tilting itadori's head backwards. just enough he's left staring at the ceiling until dabi leans over him and kisses him upside down. there's the faintest trace and taste of smoke on his tongue, free hand cupping the sorcerer's throat.]
Ya really are impossible.
no subject
Date: 9/28/21 19:58 (UTC)[ yeah, dabi got it right. it was extremely tempting to give in to exhaustion as he relished the bliss of their afterglow, and itadori is still annoyed that he had to break it off and attend to the shower instead. it's a learning experience, so next time he will come prepared. well— if he ever gets the heads-up. you can't always plan out those things. sometimes it just happens.
his gaze shadowed dabi's steps, turning his head to glance back at first, only to be coaxed by a firm tug at his hair. itadori asked no questions, aired no protests, merely complying with it. the pressure on his throat might make someone feel restless, especially with the way his neck flexed, bare, far too vulnerable under the mercy of a man who had blood on his hands. was it blind trust, or foolish devotion? maybe a mix of both.
... oh, that was— cute. he could almost see sparks striking behind his closed eyelids, tipping his chin upward, embracing the kiss with parted lips. itadori didn't dare to move when dabi broke it off to speak, not even an inch. he stares at the other from this peculiar viewpoint, lashes low. his blood has warmed up, and is just roaring hot through his veins. why? because this is the first time dabi reached for a touch, seemingly growing more relaxed around him. in contrast to how their night had started, watching the man right now just felt so—
what was it again? is it 'calming'? 'heartwarming'? itadori couldn't specify it into a single word. it's a mad rush of several emotions all at once. he leaned in again, tongue flicking a line to bisect dabi's lips before kissing the edge of his mouth. ]
Am I? ... Sorry. Tolerate it.
[ gently, he relaxed his neck, sitting up a bit as his arm stretched back to curve around dabi's waist, drawing him close, enough to urge him to settle down next to him. it makes his heart beat faster, warmer... itadori's own smile softens, and he leans toward his partner just a little, lightly touching their foreheads together. even in the heaven of itadori's rare contentment ... 'how can I protect you? — those words persist, a breath away from slipping out. they end up unheard, and he turns his face just enough, lips brushing the other man's ear. ]
I want to be with you. Like this. Whenever we can.
[ and maybe, just maybe, that's all itadori can do for him. if he can't change his mind, change his resolve, make him see that he's sabotaging himself more than the family he's so desperate to punish—then all he can offer is a safe space, a kind company, and a reminder that he doesn't need to be alone all the time. please don't end up all alone. the conception might be enough, even in its simplicity. itadori hopes so.
playfully, he pulled dabi against him before he shoved his weight on the other, and they end up flopping down on the mattress with a loud creak. man, that bed had gone through some shit tonight, and it's still not over. resting on his side, he rolled over to face dabi, with his cheek squished against the pillow. ]
Okay. You need to decide! Pitch black or lights on? Blanket or no blanket? I'll be fine either way.
no subject
Date: 9/28/21 20:38 (UTC)[it's part of the experience. considering they just did it without a condom, dabi's not figuring they're going to require a revisit with one. especially since he's pretty sure itadori'd be curious about what finishing inside feels like, as he had with dabi. and heartless villain as he is, who's he to deny the guy that experience? especially after determining he's gonna fuck him into the mattress to get the other end of the spectrum. (hey, annoyance down; shower was your idea, yuji.)
tilting his head back and kissing him like this glazes towards the intimacy side of things, fingers and palm cupping round his throat flavoring it with something possessive and maybe even threatening. his thumb's right against itadori's pulse point, every beat of his blood thrumming through his flesh. dabi eases the grip on his hair, letting the damp, pink spikes shift between his joints and flutter across his hand. the guy complied with the kiss without question... well, they've not given each other reason to be afraid of the other so far.
parting their mouths only just enough to speak, dabi's words as tangible against itadori's lips as they're audible to his ears. only scarred throat and collar are visible real estate from this point of view for the sorcerer, but a good view's not the point for this kiss. temptation crawls through his lips and teeth to bite him, something aggressive and raw to clash with this sudden dip into the softer, but he brushes the allure aside. itadori's put up with plenty so far and has held to his word. he'll give him a little more leeway for the time being. give instead of taking.
maybe blame it on the afterglow later, despite that being long-since washed down the drain. a wet flick of tongue thuds against his lips, pressing them apart as the taste buds along the surface of itadori's muscle skim across dabi's scorched and fire-crenelated lower lip, a far contrast to the glass-smooth underside of that wet invasion wandering across his healthy upper. before that whole dual experience truncates in a short and sweet kiss to the corner of his mouth.]
If I feel like it.
[what a bratty response. kind of likes it. releasing his neck and withdrawing, dabi surrenders itadori back to himself, resting on his calves behind him. that arm about his waist ultimately draws him out of his perch and he wrangles himself a bit to lean down beside him. attention to his position's momentarily shattered when itadori brings their foreheads together, earning a blink of surprise and then a somewhat narrowed gaze. there's a point where 'too familiar' is breached. this is nearing it. even with sex, dabi's not a touchy feely person this way. it skims it, a fish just under the surface, but doesn't breech as itadori instead goes for his ear.]
Gonna take that at surface value...
[such a statement is way past "dangerous" and into the "over the edge" territory. but to some testament of itadori's offer of a comfortable retreat, dabi doesn't outright dismiss it as his instinctive reaction immediately flares up to do. scorch it, kill it, tell him he's stupid for even thinking such a thing. instead, he'll take it as this. a physical retreat from his life. a place and person he can come to free of his normal baggage. apparently that also comes dealing with itadori's clingyness, but that's not too high a price. he can tolerate it. in exchange, he'll simply offer the same. a place where the sorcerer doesn't have to hold all of his baggage for a little while. that's as comfortable a trade as dabi's willing to make right now. itadori's welcome to fall deeper over the edge, but he won't.
never get attached to someone else. especially not like this... not that the villain has the capacity for those feelings anymore. but he'll at least give itadori that acceptance.
strength and pressure quickly topple him and dabi swings an arm back instinctively, bracing on the bed before his elbow buckles and he drops down onto it with a soft grunt. relax. the beds here have been through worse. sometimes quirks get involved in sex and that can really fuck up the supporting furniture. dabi settles onto his back, one arm draped across his chest, the other one lying at his side.
really? itadori's making a big deal about that? like a carnival game. this kid has too much fun with life. instead of answering, dabi merely kicks the sheets and blanket up from the bottom of the bed and drags them up. despite his resistance to cold, he's never been comfortable sleeping uncovered when he's not wearing his clothes. brings back bad sensations.]
Ya know both of those can be individual decisions. [aka: neither needs to decide to tolerate the other's preference. right before clicking off the light beside the bed.] Light or dark doesn't bother me.
[considering his quirk and all.]
no subject
Date: 9/29/21 21:16 (UTC)the stiff and narrow stare is heard loud and clear. itadori will back off, give him some space, let him breathe. otherwise dabi wouldn't tolerate his advances and drag them back to the stage of caution. or, that man might ghost him completely. now that will be painful; especially after getting so spoiled with their closeness, and given the freedom to be affectionate (even if it's one-sided) with someone. it meant too much for itadori to fuck up. he'll behave for now.
and so, with a knowing smile, he curls up next to the other man, close but not clinging. he's fine with it. itadori is fine with them being here, sharing space, content, and comfortable. ]
I like it dark, with a blanket and a leg sticking out.
[ it's his turn to switch off the light from his side, and like the perfect romantic cliche— the moonlight subtly illuminates the room as it fell into a serene hush. for now, itadori rests on his back, his shoulder touching dabi's, with his head tilt to the side. it's a safe option where he gets some kind of physical contact under their blanket, without smothering the other man. a fair trade between his neediness and dabi's reserve.
he stares at the ceiling, nothing in particular. however, the unwavering smile on his features speaks a lot about how itadori perceived this entire experience. he begins to reflect on this day, from the moment he woke up, to when he joined his classmates, successfully handling a mission, rushing back to the dorms to prepare the meal, meeting with dabi, having his first kiss, his first sexual experience, understanding why he's so infatuated by this man after obsessing about it from the night they met, getting some of his questions answered— and now, he's brought back to this moment. as they relaxed on one bed, under one blanket, with enough trust that he could fall asleep, consoled he's not at risk, nor is dabi.
— to be able to know that he didn't need to be alone. that he could be with someone. all those fears and dreads should no longer paralyze him. to have the freedom to seek the intimacy he craves, a person he could confide in, someone who can reciprocate his feelings. what started as 'never' has made a dramatic twist to 'it might happen!'.
is he allowed to be this happy?
... it's scary. ]
It feels ... weird knowing that I can actually ask someone out now. Well, it's not like people are lining up to date me. But, it feels nice to have an option.
no subject
Date: 9/30/21 02:24 (UTC)in a way... it's frightening, to stare acceptance in the face so readily. those walls of flame come up fast and dabi backs off into the darkness, refusing to allow either of them to move forward any further. it's a warning and both an admission and agreement. as itadori retreats, dabi settles on the bed beside him. might be a sort of unconscious power play here. an understanding that the kid won't push him to far out of fear of being left along, and a similar realization that the villain actually wants this to last a bit longer and so won't burn him.
that smile lingers in the corner of his turquoise eyes even as he shifts them up to the ceiling. it's his presence beside him that he feels. a gentle glow of warmth and the weight of another sharing his bed. thing is, itadori's right; he is comfortable.]
That's specific. [and the obvious solution to the fight between too hot under the covers but too cold with them off.] Over the edge of the bed or in the middle?
[as the room settles into darkness, it's a few seconds before his eyes adjust to the moonlight coming from window. dabi glances towards it. yeah, those curtains are gonna have to be shut before he goes to sleep. not having his face resting unconscious towards an exposed window. later. right now he feels at ease enough to let it stay open, moonlight included. there's no attempt to edge away from the shoulder touching his own, a single point of contact between villain and sorcerer. not going to admit to the subtle attempt his body makes to feel itadori's heartbeat through that contact.
gives him time to think about everything as well. dabi doesn't want to look into this as anything more than two guys meeting and fucking to blow off some steam. some free meals on the side. and yet, it's itadori yuji. which means it's not just that on the other guy's side. a glance over at that smile is enough to tell him that. took a lot of this kid's firsts tonight, from kiss to sex to having a partner no strings attached. what dabi sees as merely a useful thrill is a friendship for itadori. he's probably spent all day excited about it. what dabi gets excited about would horrify itadori and make him cry. they're diametrically opposed so completely, it's fucking insane for them to be together, and yet here they are. which of them is crazy? doesn't know. probably both. it's easier to tell himself this is infatuation, a massive crush on the wrong person, and eventually the kid's gonna wise up and leave. in the meantime... che, fuck it. he'll stick around and see what happens.
admittedly, it's kind of nice to have an escape. someone he doesn't have to look over his shoulder at or think about what use he could make over them. no real suspicions about hiding revenge or attempts to supplant or take down. he's just itadori yuji. someone who's happy to be around him.]
Not sure this'd be counted as a date...
no subject
Date: 10/2/21 04:17 (UTC)[ it's not like dabi can 'see' anything, but he can certainly feel the shifts under the thick fabric, as itadori pushed his leg out. it wasn't really dangling over the brim, but close to it. the perfect balance in his opinion.
for the sake of keeping a blind eye to dabi's criminal, murderous activities— the mundane question of 'how was your day?' is not an option in their case. he will hear the grim details, and it will only trigger a squabble, make this night end on a bad note— therefore, itadori will try his best to avoid that. he deserves one fucking good day, and he'll grab into it with his teeth and nails. now that he thinks about it, dabi had a perk that made their relationship work. that man didn't have the desire to gloat about his wicked sins, often keeping it to himself. while the kid likes to pretend he's doing it for his welfare, it was more of dabi's psyche. for someone who's carrying a heavy load of resentment, he's oddly chill. it's probably why itadori, and some individuals in the league, are encouraged to call him their friend. ]
It's not. I mean ... I wouldn't tell my date I'm 'using them'. It kinda kills the vibe of making it romantic, you know? Then again, we've done some ... very date-ish things?
[ — for two strangers choosing to have casual sex, with no emotional connection, they might've crossed a few lines. itadori rolled his eyes to the side, sneaking a peek at the other man as he ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it back and slick. the mild confusion with his answer is evident, from the way itadori furrowed his brows, pressed his lips together, eyes narrowed and seemingly lacking certainty. itadori didn't go far in his hunt for a justification; way too tired, instead sighing and returning his attention toward the other man.
god, the way itadori is looking at him ... like he's begging for something, yet he's conscious he's not allowed to. forbidden! it's like a child standing outside a candy store, face glued against the window, in total agony. this screams pathetic, but the sorcerer couldn't give a fuck anymore. ]
Okay, I will let you sleep at peace tonight. I promise. But, can we cuddle next time? Isn't that what people do when they share a bed?
[ maybe if he warned dabi in advance, he wouldn't be so opposed to the idea in the future. it allows him time to be mentally prepared, which diminishes the chance of getting rejected. heh, maybe he's not so stupid after all! ]
no subject
Date: 10/2/21 22:33 (UTC)yeah no, he'll just keep the sheets around his ribs for now.
dabi's not expecting itadori to ask about his "day" or his "life" since they already decided not to bring those topics into their meetings. one out of secrecy over a life unrevealed to the villain, and one out of caution over the activities the sorcerer would be against hearing and at risk of knowing. dabi isn't one to garrulously spill about his criminal ways, at least not to most people, and usually never for no reason. he likes to save that kind of shit for battles or dangerous situations where he needs to by time or intimidate others. itadori doesn't fall into that category. plus he's already made it clear he doesn't approve. no point in getting into an argument. but it does limit their conversation topics... what to speak about when their normal lives are shuttered by the lives themselves? likely something more off topic. preferences and thoughts about random shit. small talk that means nothing more than finding commonality between two different people.
odd thing is, dabi finds himself actually wanting to perhaps indulge in some of that with itadori. it irritates him because he normally couldn't give a shit. and yet here he is, talking about what temperature is best in bed. there's something about the sorcerer that's... comfortable. he's not someone dabi would ever admit to caring about whether he lived or died, but apparently he does take some solace in knowing itadori's alive. at least alive enough he can look forward to meeting him another time. can't say he's really ever felt that about someone else. someone he isn't planning on being villainous towards.]
Depends on how ya define a date. Two people goin out an doin' somethin they both enjoy doing? Could be a date. [no matter if the "something" is watching a movie or blowing up a convenience store.] Wouldn't call this one. It's just an extended meetin, dinner an' a fuck included.
[a little smirk and a "heh" pop off at the end of that. dabi didn't do "emotional" connections, since that moved too much into the "feelings" he doesn't have. what itadori holds towards him is the other guy's own burden. he knows not to expect much, if any, on the return outside of a surface-level curiosity and interest. still... that does beg the question why he's staying here to sleep beside him when he would've long-since left someone else and the door behind him.
eyes fall on him again and dabi glances to the side to catch the sorcerer's face in the faint moonlight. confusion and frustration in his voice isn't hard to hear, but seeing it on his face reminds him itadori's still just off the cusp of adulthood. contrary to the expressive display on his partner's face, dabi's remains a complete blank, eyes somewhat lidded, brows resting neutral, lips together despite his scarred slicing across his stapled cheeks making him reminiscent of a glasgow smile. can't give him certainty or justification beyond simply wanting to do something and going for it. to hell with the results.
so why is itadori looking at him like a begging child outside a store window? it is pretty pathetic, but hey, if dabi's going to encourage the guy to be free with his desires, then isn't he setting himself up for this kind of crap? who knows what sort of repressed wants itadori's been harboring under that pink hair of his.]
Huh?
[the villain's mouth cracks open a bit in a slight twist of confusion, brows angling in the same. that's what he's wanting? to be clingy?]
Ya ain't gonna turn into some kinda octopus while I'm sleepin are ya?
[granted, considering dabi's main concept of "being together" is his parents, the idea of cuddling in bed is a relatively alien concept in his head. do people really have to touch while they're sleeping to feel comfortable or something? granted, he appreciates the warning, but he's not sure he's the kind of person who's right for cuddling. which is still playing out almost like a failed wrestling match in his head. a far cry from what itadori's thinking about.]
Or do ya mean... uh... fuck, what kind are ya talkin about?
no subject
Date: 10/3/21 18:23 (UTC)[ just a meeting, dinner, and a fuck. itadori didn't object, even when he was side-eyeing the other man the whole time, taking in that smirk and the unspoken words behind it. if this is how dabi has chosen to interpret tonight's events, then he wouldn't ruin it by fighting him for what he truly believes happened. it wasn't a casual fuck. the villain didn't indulge his urges and then left the kid behind in his mess. he was attentive when he didn't need to be. patient when no one asked for it. he understood what this fucking night meant for itadori. in the best way his revenge-craved mind could, within what little compassion he had left in him, dabi made it special for him. how the hell is this a casual fuck? impassive? and he's still here. with itadori. he's still accommodating to him, tolerating this clingy kid and allowing him to end this night, his special night, on a good note. there is an effort, there is acceptance—
it's easy to get heated at how he's steadfast in downgrading his influence on the sorcerer. dabi refused to give power to the one thing that made itadori feel he's fated to die a lonely, miserable death. he's angry because— that man didn't know how much this moment had shaken him. this might be a silly conclusion for some, to be put on a high standard as being saved, while all he got is a sexual experience with a murderer. itadori didn't care about the circumstances. it is what it is. this night is everything he ever needed, and it pissed him off that dabi couldn't see it.
it was hard to swallow it all in, but he did. precious, yet fragile— is his time with this man. ]
... for real? It's that confusing to you?
[ itadori raised an eyebrow, he then rolled over, leaning on dabi's side as he regarded him closer. a slow blink, and with a quiet 'ah!', he realized this is serious. he's not messing with him. ]
I'm talking about holding you as we sleep. No, not like an octopus. I don't want to suffocate you. It's ... uh, it will feel good. For both of us. You will feel ... safe.
[ because, let's be honest, when they're out there— it's never safe. you're always on edge, moving, running, fighting, obsessing, tired, fucking exhausted, out of breath, and then ... return 'home' to an empty bed only to stay up for hours because your thoughts are running wild in your isolation. itadori, at least, is not alone. in a sense he had friends who care about him, who try to protect and support him in his journey. dabi is on another threshold, stubborn and committed to walk through hell on his own; lost all trust and faith in others. he's not even trying. he's done trying. it took itadori back to that smirk, and the pride behind it for denying anyone to presume his actions can be more than emotionless acts; the walls he built around himself seem infinite.
how can he reach him? ]
... Whenever you want.
[ by giving him space. breathe. try again another time. nice and easy. ]
We should try it. I want to be your first in something.
no subject
Date: 10/3/21 21:25 (UTC)he also doesn't want to know what it feels like again... the idea of someone caring about him. a long time ago, touya grew up clinging to the hope that his father's pride in him and his mother's fearful kindness meant some sort of love and care despite the abuse his father put him through. held onto that desperately to get through the suffering loneliness. but after endeavor dismissed him, replaced his existence with two failures and at last a success, after his mother didn't care enough to listen to him... he realized it was all a lie. the "care" he thought they gave him was nothing more than his father's expectations over his usefulness and his mother's fear over her meal ticket being ruined. the betrayal and emptiness gutted him, left him crying to natsuo so many nights, begging his brother to tell him what his purpose was in life because touya couldn't see it anymore. someone had to care about him, right? someone had to see him, Right? RIGHT?!
no... no one did.
he died alone. dragged himself off that burning mountain alone, flesh smoldering and heart blackening inside his charred body. it's how he's existed for years. hating people, acknowledging his existence as being nothing to anyone but himself. the only way he could get attention was to flare up and draw eyes of hatred and disgust on himself. there had been no hero to reach out to help him. no kindness to tell him he'd be okay. those things didn't exist in the world for people like him. they were cursed villains. they made use of each other, consumed each other, lashed out against the people who despised them. existed.
then itadori yuuji showed up.
in one conversation and one night, this random ass kid showed dabi more kindness and consideration, more sincere and true care than he could ever remember receiving from anyone in his entire fucking life (well, in his own jaded and embittered memory). slashing straight through the scars and burns and scorched walls, until dabi was left staring at the very real reality that this young man would, if given the opportunity, really reach him. grasp his hand and hold on tight. remind him of what it felt like to actually recognize someone giving a fucking shit about whether he hurt, lived, or died.
it terrifies him. the reality of being cared about. of attempted rescue and protection.
yeah, he knows what this night means to itadori and the potential behind that knowledge between them. if he's not careful, if he doesn't keep this kid at arms length behind a wall of fire... dabi might actually care about him too. and that's such utter fucking bullshit! does he have any idea just how fucking risky and dangerous that is? those damn feelings he burned out of himself long ago?!
Look at me!
he can't fathom it. so he downgrades his influence on him. he refuses to admit this night's special. he keeps itadori at arm's length. he can't see how he could ever be "important" to someone in that way, because doing so means there's someone who'd mourn for him once he was gone. someone he might actually care about enough not to want to hurt. someone he might actually listen to when it came to stopping. feelings are dangerous because they don't stop. so keep this as nothing. keep this as a sexual experience between some naive sorcerer and a murderous villain. it's safer that way. for both of them. this little moment that dares to suggest there's a hope of some fragile sense to belong...]
Do I look like someone who gets clung to a lot?
[dabi rolls his head to the side and gives him a dry expression as the sorcerer sidled up next to him. watching his face in the stark contrast of shadows and moonlight. most people see the scars and think if they touch him, his damn skin'll flake off onto their hands like torched bark.]
Safe, huh. Hate to break it to ya, but we were safer in that shack.
[at least that shithole didn't have a lit sign out front for "vacancies". still, itadori's only proving once again that he cares about dabi's feelings. "safe" is a gambling word. there are places dabi felt safe enough to sleep and rest. villain hideouts and stuff. but he's kept himself separate from the league enough it's not like he's got "friends" coming into his room at night to check on his slumber, much less sleep in his bed with him. if itadori's going to school, then he's probably got friends who fill that need for him, comforting him and helping him sleep knowing he's safe within the perimeter. they're from different lives, loneliness for one being a horrible burden to bear, while the other cloaks himself in it as the vanguard of safety. itadori clings to people he cares about while dabi's long since given up on people in general and rejects them all.
reaching him takes a lot more than a conversation, a meal, and a night together.]
Hmph... [stubborn guy. giving him his space and all. he's already put up with a lot of this. from staying after the sex to getting a shower with him to agreeing to spend the night in the same bed. itadori's simple that good-hearted of a person.] Why the hell are ya so intent on connectin with me? Ya got ya whole life ahead to find someone who ain't gonna be dead or imprisoned within a year.
[he gets this is... was, a release and freedom for itadori, but now it's developed into more. dabi can see that already. it's strange. as naive as he is, this guy knows not to fall for someone on the first "date", right? he can't be this protective and attached to everyone he first meets.]
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Date: 10/4/21 19:07 (UTC)it's when you don't need to run. when it doesn't hurt anymore. when your thoughts are hushed into a peaceful lull. it's warm; their body is warm against yours. you can finally close your eyes, drop your guard, take a steady inhale. in the end, you're no longer alone. you're happy, content and-
safe.
itadori did a pretty good job in keeping himself together. he really tried to calm down and not to overwhelm dabi and himself with all the fire blazing inside of him. it's young, eager, and belligerent— it didn't want to wait. they don't have the fucking luxury of time. he wants to follow the right steps, give that man the patience he deserves after getting fucked over by the closest people in his life. dabi deserves to have someone putting in the effort to win his trust, not by empty words but by being consistent, and by showing up. be there for him, for as long as he welcomes it. show him you won't grow tired of him, show him he's worth the risk. just show up. be there.
— until he can't anymore. what if itadori ends up as another reason in his book on why he shouldn't waste his time on others? was it fair to beg for a connection only to disappear without any justification? ]
I don't want anyone else.
[ while it's true, that's not what dabi asked. it was a half-assed answer, and itadori knew it. he takes in a quivery breath, glancing up at the ceiling again, idly toying with his fingers against his chest. he will not talk about his situation, only because dabi will just use it as an excuse to discredit him. 'oh, he probably doesn't have enough time to find someone better, so he's settling with a criminal like me.' yeah— that's not happening. this might really get itadori to lose it. ]
I ... don't know what to say. I'm not good at this? I'm not good at explaining myself. I just do it. Because I want to, and it feels right.
[ no matter how hard he tries, he can't fucking stop thinking about what little time they have. dabi could be dead tomorrow, he might end up dead before him. it's a sick race to who gets to be buried first, and he's supposed to be okay with it. he shakes it off, or tried to. he's struggling with it— itadori huffs, closing his eyes; fingers curled up into tight fists now. ]
If the situation was different, and you stopped back then ... I don't think I'd be able to recover. I'd break, and I can't ... break. People need me not to fall apart.
[ he paused, silent, and then— quietly: ]
I was scared. You knew I was scared. You knew I needed some control over my life, even if it's as simple as having sex with a stranger, but you gave it to me. You didn't mock me for it. You knew how important it was to treat me like I'm normal.
[ he is not taking dabi's past away from him, if anything ... itadori knew he could never relate to that type of betrayal, especially when you're just a child crying for your parents. they didn't relate in their pain, but they are in their loneliness. dabi can pretend he's above it all, but it can't possibly be true. he refused to believe anyone can go through this life on their own. it's too cruel. he returns staring at the ceiling, only for a second, before he glanced at the man beside him. ]
Come on. How can I not be attached to you?
no subject
Date: 10/4/21 22:36 (UTC)what the fuck is wrong with this guy?! how can someone meet up with a person so randomly and after so little time, decide that person is the "one" for them? while he certainly doesn't seem like the type, dabi's not exactly an emo thug punk with a brick for a brain. the son of endeavor meant he did more than throw punches and train his quirk. he had an education shoved into his head, learned courses and did studies, had enough knowledge in there to get up in school. which included knowing about relationships, despite his current inability to feel them and disparaging contempt for them.
the notion of "love at first sight" isn't lost on him, unlike his more socially-impaired little brother. not that dabi has much intention of explaining how he has that kind of knowledge. but what he does know is enough to tell him itadori's attraction to him is a god damn moth to a flame, an infatuation that this kid probably barely even recognizes. why the hell is he so set upon this?! his sincerity is alarming and it's the sheer lack of lie or ulterior motive behind that pure confession that makes it all the more damning.
it doesn't make any sense. it clashes with everything dabi's living for right now. there's no place for affection and fondness in a life of hatred and revenge! there's no room for caring about someone else! no care for someone reaching out for him! long since fallen over the edge of that cliff, laughing insanity in the dark amid the burnt corpses, it's utter irrational to look up and see itadori hanging over the edge of that cliff, arm extended as he strains himself to connect to dabi in the dark. fucking insanity to try it.
and yet there he is, saying these kinds of things to him.
the only time he wouldn't need to run is if the villains take over or dabi's left in jail. only time it wouldn't hurt anymore is when he's fucking dead. the only time his thoughts would quiet into that peace is underneath six feet of dirty. shut eyed, guard dropped, breath steady, content with someone and safe...
verdict: impossible.
however, itadori, of all fucking people, gets it. words mean nothing, they're cheap, fake, and untrustworthy. but his actions say so much more. holding promises he's made, showing that eager willingness to learn and care, determined to not let go because he gives a shit, being there for him. even in this short time, dabi's almost convinced he can trust anything this guy says. lying doesn't come to the sorcerer even naturally; he simply doesn't think to lie. so when he says "i don't want anyone else", dabi's left fucking rattled and dealing with a panic he's never had to wrangle before.
without any context, he's left with only itadori's words, unable to use them as an excuse to dismiss his affections and feelings. he's left with only stark honest, fingers curling by his side and silent breath drifting like smoke between his lips. is it telling that among his wandering thoughts and rising agitation is the sudden desire to erupt the entire bed into a sea of flames? because this guy's managing to peel through a tiny part of that blackened crust over his heart and poke some of the agonizing raw flesh that remains deep inside.
protect me from what i want. but which of them is that speaking of and which of them is it spoken to?}
Because it feels right...
{again, it's words like that dabi actually respects. itadori's giving no excuse, not trying to rationalize his thoughts with feelings or drives. he simply wants to. on the one hand, impressive. on the other hand, pathetic. a sliver inside him wants to grab it and hold on selfishly. this is one person in the entire world who'd actually care about him. he could experience something his life had always denied him. but is it crueler to accept itadori's feelings, only to wind up dead or imprisoned and rip his heart out of his chest because of it? or reject him completely and get the heart ripping out of the way before itadori winds up hurting himself even worse...
and why the fuck is he even having these feelings? why the hell should he care what this kid's doing? this is a no-strings-attached activity of mutual using each other for their own gains.}
This ain't the smartest choice to make if ya got people countin on ya. {again, dabi feels it necessary to remind itadori of what he's getting himself into. if he wants to plunge in headlong without looking, that's his choice. but consequences don't vanish into nothing.} Why the hell would I stop? Already told ya I ain't scared of whatever you've got goin on.
{he thinks the kid's giving him more credit and thought into his choices than's due, but whatever. let him think so highly of him. it's kinda nice to have that for a chance. some of what he says is true, even if dabi made those decisions out of a "fuck it, blow some time" mindset. but treating itadori like he's normal... yeah, that's one of the nail-on-the-head points.}
Wow. Makin me out to be a fucking saint. {his tone's amused in a sardonic way, but at least he's not rolling over and showing his back to him.} Don't think anyone's "normal" in this life. We're all fucked up one way or another.
{yeah, leave it to the villain to choose "fucked up" rather than "unique" or "special" like other people would use. because he is alone. even with the league, he's not one of the cuddly members. still keeps to himself, still sees them as useful rather than friends, still holds his own machinations and goals as far more valuable than their stupid lives. he truly doesn't give a shit about shigaraki, all for one's plans, or any of that crap. so long as "that crap" remains a vehicle he can hitch a ride on and use to ram endeavor to despair and death, he'll grab on and hang out the fucking window with a grin on his face. (and then puke if the driver's a piece of shit cause he gets carsick easily.)
dabi finds he can't really answer the rhetorical question tossed at him. telling itadori not to be attached to him, or attracted to him, is about as useful as telling a train to stop coming towards you. if he's not going to get out of the damn way, well...}
Just remember to careful, Itadori. {sheets shift and the villain leans over, one hand swinging around to reach over the other boy's head, catch him at the back of the crown, and then pull him forward until he could catch his lips with his own. there's something almost possessive about this kiss, and his lips are hot, probably enough to make itadori's nerves question if this is safe. the kiss breaks easily.} If ya play with fire too much, ya gonna get burned.
{but even with that said, there's a silent acceptance in the air. if itadori wants to cling to him (and that includes physically), then that's his choice. so long as he understands this is a dumb choice, it's a dangerous choice, and it's potentially damning.}
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